Tuesday, February 16, 2010

the more I talk about it the less I do control.


I feel weird. I had the most incredible day. I am almost scared to speak the level of incredible because it seems like every time I speak something out loud it is proof that it exists and then shorty after it gets taken away from me.

So instead I called mom, whispered the good news. Thanked those responsible and went back to empire building. (I booked a national print ad today! eeek. oops.)

I researched each and every literary agent in NYC and LA today. Then I wrote them all letters. Why, when I already have an amazing lady/fairy book godmother? Because that is what "Keltie" does. It is who I am. I chase after my dreams like no other. So what if no one ever opens these letters? I tried. I didn't quit.

I had the craziest revelation tonight over some much needed c.perri time. I am rad. I have been going through all these emotions and being really confused because I was pushing and pulling at the universe and it was pretty much punching me in the face back. I finally figured out why. I was being really untrue to myself. I was trying to act exactly how I thought everyone wanted me to act. I was following those secret rules some woman made up about how you are supposed to act to be happy. What you are supposed to do so that you appear busy, happy, sexy, funny or interesting. The sad thing about it is that, it left me more confused than ever.

I screamed at the top of my lungs tonight this:

I am me. I am loud and abrasive and funny and inappropriate and sullen and shy and introspective and scared and I will love you forever if you let me and I will sing "hollaback girl" at the top of my lungs because its my birthday and I want to. I will cry all day and then do a kart wheel. I don't have to try to act cool or hip because I am none of those things. My life is cool because I work hard and I am determined and that scared alot of people but those people are weak, or they are afraid that they will never accomplish anything. I expect so much out of people because I have spent my life expecting so much from myself. I am worthy of it all. I am cute enough to book a national PRINT ad but I am not cute enough to feel comfortable in my own skin at the "beautiful people mecca" that is the target in Hollywood. I am obsessive. I am spontaneous. When I "like" someone I become completely see-through, if I open my veins the words will come spilling out, they will be spelled wrong. I will never have any of the answers and it doesn't matter how many amazing jobs I book in one day, or how many great auditions I have, or how many books I write I will never feel full. I will never be satisfied. I am damaged and bruised and I have baggage.

I know there is someone out there who wants all these things.

I am a terrible "quitter". I couldn't quit diet coke and I can't quit love.