Thursday, February 11, 2010

(365) days of keltie.

last week, i made a pact with myself that I would focus in myself for 365 days (inspired by my bestie christina...

i went though my fb, my twitter, my phone and i deleted every single person that wasn't my real friend, every single person that was some sort of replacement, or safety net, or even some sort of torture for my heart. i have many of these. its a pathetic collection.

i loved r so much and when i lost him i lost all the best pieces of the best parts of me. i don't really miss him, but i miss the girl i was then. so much. i remember being this free spirit, magnetic girl who everyone instantly fell in love with, who was so damn sure of everything. who had this beautiful faith in the world. I've been searching high and low, in different peoples eyes, in kisses, in words, in books, in dates and dreams and the bottoms of cups of coffee. she isn't there.

the reason i date emotionally unavailable guys is because they will keep rejecting me, and i will keep writing sad little blogs about my poor sullen heart, and i will keep chasing them because i like self-destructive things because hurt is what drives me, makes me creative and makes me successful and it is a terrible way to live.

I like moving to new cities and making it really, really, really hard on myself. i like emotionally unavailable people and trying to change them. i liked when my brother lived in + out of the hospital for 8 years because it gave me a really excuse of why I was so messed up. "well, my brothers hurt". people don't question you after you say that. and you never really have to sort yourself out. its great. except now.

i have no idea where i went, and i want to find me again. i am 28 fucking years old.