Monday, February 8, 2010

"and the most constant thing about keltie is that she is always changing"

I had this amazing audition today.
It was for a job that I really want.
This job has nothing to do with dance.
It has everything to do with all my other loves lights + camera + action + music.

I rehearsed my sides all day. C.Perri came over and practiced with me + drank tea. I put on my best "hip girl" outfit and she lent me the lucky feather earring.

I walked into my audition nervous. Sweaty. Shaky. I had no belief in myself. I thought, as I do most of the time. "what am I doing here?"

I walked into the room and the casting director said, "oh I remember your photo, it is very cute..and you actually look like it!"

She asked me to talk on camera about myself and instead of my sides, my lines and the English language - the voice of someone I have never met, the very best version of myself came shining through. I was confident, smart, quirky, humble, sweet, knowledgeable.

When I was done she looked at me and said " that was one of the best I have seen all day" then she walked me into her office, grabbed her card and told me to send her my stuff for future projects.


I have had many disappointments in my life. Some of them by other people, and most of the time, I disappoint myself. Thinking that I could have said something different, or handled a situation differently. Disappointed when I walk out of an audition because I didn't point my toes, or dance to my full potential. Disappointed that I yet again, forgot to call my mom. Disappointed that today, even though I said I wouldn't, I drank 6 diet cokes.

When someone else disappoints you, it feels like a giant let down. Most of the time we blame ourselves for building them up and perching them upon some magical pedestal. It feels like trying to control yourself on ice skates. It feels awful and sad.

What is worse though, I think, is when I disappoint myself. Because lets face it, the only thing we can really count on or control in our lives is, us. So, when I put expectations of myself and I fall off my own pedestal, it is the darkest, deepest depression. I hate that feeling. I have felt it, more than I care to share.

But I would feel it a thousand times to feel what I felt walking out of this audition tonight, just once. The beating of my heart, so fast. A skip in my step. A faith in the universe and that I am on the right path. It's funny. I feel more in my heart after a strong audition then I have most of the times I have fallen in love. Maybe that is a clear sign that the love of my life really is work. sad. and happy.

Spagatti says " keltie, you are restless and always unsatisfied and constantly searching. it wouldn't matter if you were an accountant or a waitress or a dancer, you would be like that. it just so happens that this profession gives you an optimum opportunity to explore that restlessness" and he is so right. I love change. I love not knowing what I might be doing a year from now. I love the feeling of doing something different each day. I love the feeling of meeting tons of different people. I love living in a million cities.

Spagatti says "and for you, a stable, long-term relationship with a man will have to be based on your constant need to change.
he'll have to not just get that, but live it with you too

love is never the problem with you, you have an amazing capacity for that"

And so maybe that is it. Life in a nutshell. I love love. I love change. I keep trying to make something in my life static. I keep trying to pin point a moment. A kiss. I word. A dinner. Make it something that will never change. Me and you in this perfect moment forever. It just doesn't work like that for me. That's ok, I guess.

My work is always changing and I love it.

I am always changing and I love it.

If the Beatles were right and "all you need is love"

maybe I have all I need?