create.

Sorry I have been MIA. I have been creating my life + a busy bee. Flew to Atlanta for an audition + then was working till all hours of the night on this little baby. One of the things I have realized in life is that most of the time to opportunity that you really want, won't come to you easily. I grew up wanting to dance in Janet Jackson videos, I figured that one day if I lived in a big enough city that I would get my chance. 10 years later I have never heard about a janet audition.

If I could give you a piece of advice today it would be what I am learning, which is that sometimes if there is something you really want to do, you need to create it. Chasing your dreams is an understatement. For me, I realized after filming a bunch of hosting jobs that my DREAM hosting job did not exist, or that it did but was already taken by Kat Deely. I love dancing, I want my life to exist around the dance world. I am realistic enough to know that I am not the best dancer and that I get rejected just as much as I get hired. I wanted to create a job for myself where I could be in the dance world, be on camera and meet all the people and idols I love the most. I came up with the idea for THE BEAT, a entertainment news TV show about all the dance shows. I've been busy working, filming + writing the pilot episode in hopes that someone will see this and want to pick it up :)



I hope you enjoy it, and I would love any feedback or thoughts on this project.

Mostly, I want to tell you that maybe it is time we all stop chasing our dreams, and instead create our dreams....

what do you want to create?

I always ask everyone for the truth.
I demand it.
My need for the truth about things is stronger than the pull of gravity some days.
If anyone ever asks me what I want from them, I always answer "the truth".



But my friends, be careful what you wish for.

the truth might eat you alive.

the things I love blog:

I get many a question about the things I love. I decided to make a list for you:

#1-SKIN. I am a whore for skin products. takes me 15 minutes to wash my face. best advice is to always wash your face before sleep+always wear sunscreen.

-Boots glycolic acid toner.

-Kiehls spf 15 tinted lotion . I hate foundation, my skin reacts bad to foundation, boys wish you didn't wear foundation. I was shown this by an amazing makeup artist friend and have never stopped using it! its the best!


-Olay regenerate eye cream. EVERYday. promise?

-I cannot stress how bad the sun is for your skin. Really, I promise that if you spend a ton of time in the sun you will love old way before you are old. I haven't spent any time in the sun without at least spf 15 on my face in over 5 years. People usually guess my age at 24. Please take care of your skin. AND...if you HAVE to be tanned, I love a good old spraytan, yes it smells bad, but totally worth it. I love the brand mystic tan over the California tan because the color is way more natural.

#2-MAKEUP. I actually hate makeup. I just love looking gorg so I have to use it.

-MAC Iridescent powder in golden bronze.

-MAC lipglass in PURRRRR

-Josie Maran cream blush. Its the best.













#3- LASHES. Maybe it is my love for the stage but I feel naked with out my lashes on. I was NOT born with a great set so I get eyelash extension's. Every month a great woman named toni glues on these great single lashes, I never wear mascara, I never look nakedface. If you have the money, the time and the love of lashes then this is a worth while investment. I get mine done at the natural face place in LA.

#4-WORKOUT. Pilates. I cannot stress this enough. Pilates is the single best workout on the planet, a reformer machine will change your life. I have been into pilates for years. Pilates gives you results SOOO fast, in just one or two classes I am already standing up taller, looking thinner and feeling better. IF you want to change you body pilates twice a week will do it.

















#5-SHOP. I actually hate to shop. Nothing ever fits me the way I want it to. I have a really long torso and am pretty much totally flat chested, but I have a big butt. Jean shopping is a nightmare. I do love buying things online and then getting to try them with the rest of my closet.

www.nastygal.com (i love their new stuff)
www.shopbop.com
www.forever21.com (who doesn't love a 12.00 dress!)

I also cannot stress how awesome it is to have your clothes tailored once you buy them. I ALWAYS take my clothes to my neighbourhood tailor and make adjustments so they fit just right, i hem, take in the bust, shorten the sleeves all the time. There are not many things I wear that haven't been altered in some way to fit me perfectly. It is the only way I feel really great in my clothes.

#6-BOOKS. I love to read, I love my kindle. I also love bluerectangle.com, it is a great site where you can sell your old books for money, check it out.

#7-NAILS. Short nails are in. If you are still wearing fake nails or acrylic sets 1996 called and they want them all back. I love to get my nails cut as short as possible and then paint them weirdo colors.

I use the sally hanson blue bottle of nail regrowth serum everyday in my car. One of my rockette friends showed me this years ago and it really works to get your nails nice and strong.

#8-EYEBROW THREADING. Girls. your eyebrows are the frame to your beautiful face. Try not to fuck them up. Too thin or overplucked brows are yucky. This is why I LOVE eyebrow threading. Way better than a wax and the awesome indian women who do it tend to love a full eyebrow too. If you eyebrows wont grow in use RAPIDLASH (you can buy it on amazon) for the full 6 weeks, you will see results.

#9-MUSIC. I love music. love it. right now I am dying over atomictom, angus and julia stone, matt nathanson, wakey wakey, honeyhoney + an horse. Check them out!


#10-JEWELS! I love the one of a kind jewelry from MYOWNLITTLEUNIVERSE. Katie is the bomb and makes the coolest things from old vintage pieces she finds. Christina and I have both been rocking her stuff all over the place. She actually made me a really cool one of a kind necklace that says INFINITE. i love it. Check her out http://www.etsy.com/shop/myownlittleuniverse



enjoy!

So last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that takes all night to dream. It started with what's happening my real life, that each and every time I let my old lover into my world he finds a way to twist and turn my insides. His intentions are always selfish. I suppose this is the bonus of cutting someone out of your life. They cannot affect you any longer. But I do not have hate inside my heart and as always I have been hoping that eventually we could all get to a place where it was peaceful, undramatic and kind. So, I always respond. I shouldn't do that.

Anyways, I had a dream where me + him were away in the desert with no one around us. I said all the things I wish I had the balls to say in my real life, and he told me all the words that he hides behind his "happiness". The happiness he shows the world, and likes to tell me isn't the truth. There are so many versions of his truths that I stopped believing any of it a very long time ago. But in this dream, it was the most honest we had ever been, and even inside my dream I knew it was wrong. I knew that these words and thoughts and mid guided feeling would take me back to a place I hate to spend time in. He kissed me in my dream and I felt sad for myself. I felt sad that I have no idea how to be happy. I felt sad that I would spend so long clinging to what in all honestly was a shamble of a real relationship. I felt sad that I would risk losing someone so precious by taking this giant step back. In my dream world I was confused.

I woke up this morning to swoon standing over my bed. I have no idea how he got inside my room. He was wearing a green shirt. He was on his way to work and had driven across town to come and kiss me on the lips. He kissed me and walked out of my room. It was like he knew I was having heartmares. It was a if something in the universe told him that when I woke up I needed to know the answer. The answer is him.

The universe has proved to me that whatever doubts, fears and ugly little traces of him that might live deep in subconscious, those ugly little bastard thoughts that try to sneak out every once and a while, are absolutely no match for my real life. I am moving forward, letting the good guy win, and trying my very best to accept the love that I know I deserve and yet most of the time cannot comprehend. These ghosts-of boyfriends past love to try to haunt me on a daily basis. The make me fear my heart, my own thoughts and most of all love. You shouldn't have to fear love. The Beatles said it was all I needed.

I wish is was not such a struggle to be happy.
Please universe, do not let me ruin this.

Matt Nathanson Monday.

So, It is a big, giant, exciting, shivering in my booties kind of day for me today...it's matt nathanson day. Tonight, Matt has agreed to be interviewed live on air for my radio show...

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/highkicksandhighhopes

Yesterday I got to chat with Matt and sort of lay out what we wanted to chat about in the interview. Matt said "I feel like we have been friends for years" and I wanted to say "well duh matt! we are obviously soul mates"...

What is so weird about my relationship with Matt is that, we have never met and yet, I am completely insanely madly in love with this fellow. Matt was my best friend during the events inside my heart in the last few years. There have been weeks where I only listened to his two records on repeat inside my house. Matt's voice was my cheerleader, my confidant, and my salvation for a really long time. That sounds so creepy, but I know we all have this musician in our lives. What I love about Matt's music is that he just get's it...he has the perfect tune for falling in love and the perfect tune for falling out of love.

I have been spending my free time thinking up amazing questions to ask Matt, so today on this here blog, if you have something you think I should ask...make sure to leave it in the comments

#1- do the people who direct your music videos not feel that you are a total babeface because they always have you singing in dim light or from behind or just half your face? this is not okay, get into the light matt!

#2- are you writing any song for your new record that involves an amazing cooler than cool dancer chick who might have happened to stalk you via twitter? and if so, is it a love song?

#3- what did you write little victories about?

#4- what is your phone number? can I have it?

#5- "all that I want to be in the minute that you hold me in" - this is epic. not a question.

...okay, that's all I have right now...make sure to tune in tonight at 7Pm el lay time to here me giggle, scream and be a total fangirl for my favorite artist!

sleeping is good, try it.

"but pills were not going to change the fundamental problem in the construction. Wanting what you cannot have. Looking for self worth in the mirror. Laying work on top of work and still wondering why you weren't satisfied- before working some more. I know. I had done all of that. There was a stretch where I could not have worked more hours in the day without eliminating sleep all together. I piled on accomplishments. I made money. I earned accolades. And the longer I went at it- the emptier I began to feel."

-Mitch Albom

The thing about fearless fighters is that we rarely know when to stop fighting. As I grow up I am finally starting to learn that just because you love something, or someone- doesn't always mean that if you fight for it, you will win.

I have more battlescars that I care to admit. I am slowly learning to sleep at night. I am slowly learning to keep my own soul full. I am slowly learning that just because I do not accomplish 490 million things each day, I am not a failure.

i met a new one and he looks just like you...

You were a hard scar to heal, my love. That was some war your fought to stay under my skin.

"i miss you" still affects me. I guess that is just the long-flowing aftermath of love. You watch the ones who promised to love you forever love someone else. Maybe they miss you. Maybe they are just selfish. Maybe they are just as happy as they are pretending. Maybe they are secretly unhappy and wish things were different. Who knows?


Love doesn't end. Love just floats around in between all the messy stuff life throws at us: people, places, situations and ego. The realization that you weren't validated by someone capable of seeing your true greatness can be hard on your heart.


I say, revel at the unfourtunate limit of their vision.

Poor them, they couldn't see just how bright of a light you were in their life and now you are busy shining for someone else.

Yay you!!! you are a total babeface with a hot career and a pair of killer legs! (or insert your three nice things about yourself...)who is SOOO cool infact that mr. matt nathanson has agreed to come onto your radio show on monday night!

I said I would love you forever. I meant I would love you until I loved someone else.





THAT'S RIGHT. MONDAY NIGHT. ME + MATT NATHANSON. BLOGTALK RADIO. GET INTO IT.