fearless heart #3

Hi. I am Keltie. This is my heart. Thank you for sharing it with me.

"On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.


That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.


That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.


That you control that completely.


That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.


That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.


That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.


That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.


That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.


That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.


And so are you."

-from what should be your daily blog read "Pleasefindthis.blogspot.com".

EDIT:
Lesson learned this week: take the high road, people will follow your lead. Low road filled with low lifes. Be the architect of your life.

Stranded in the aftemath of those who leave and won't come back.

There are men out there who like blondie's.
There are women who like muscles.
I myself, like musicians.

I do not do it on purpose I swear. My brain tells me, stock broker, dentist, 9 to 5'er, Loftiss yells at me each time I come to her and say "I met a boy...he plays music". It is actually funny at this point.I have come to accept the fact that this is one of my beautiful flaws and well, here is hoping 4th times a charm! Sorry Loftiss!

One of my favorite winters, what year was it? 2005? was the one I spent hanging around the east village with my friend, I think we may have dated for a second ;), Wes Hutchinson. My mom still rocks Wes's cd in her car and we are still great friends. Wes is the single best songwriter I have ever met. I have ALWAYS said that. His song "stay till someday" is the only song that has brought me to weeping tears at a show. He writes the most amazing songs. He wrote a couple about me actually, if you have time check out "No need to talk about it" , "All you are" and sadly (eek!) "Down in Flames" of the record of the same title. Wes taught me about god, southern food and all the best places in New York City's lower east side to see live music (some of my favorites Piano's, Rockwood Music Hall, The Bitter End, Joe's Pub). It was such a fun time. We were not right for each other but I love him and his music to this day...Hi Wesley!

Wes wrote this piece and it was never released and it made it into my mind for ART today. I used to be just a successful dancer, I got to dance for big stars, on TV and movies and with famous troupes long before you ever knew who I was. Long before people were wearing my clothes and putting me in magazines I was just this girl, in NYC, auditioning everyday and really happy with my little bitty bite of success. I started this blog because I wanted to inspire, I wanted to share my story and I wanted to let other little chickens sitting in their dance studios Friday night ballet classes to not give up! That they could do what I was doing and that it was exciting and awesome! I felt like I wanted to let people know, if they cared that, I was normal, that I struggled and that all of us who appear to have it all together are far from it. I think this song is perfect for this feeling...

"There was a girl who fell to earth
out of the sky in into the dirt
kissed the world and made it cry
I've never seen such a beautiful hurt.

She was born without a skin
the world lined up and she let them in
everybody took a piece until the day there was nothing left..."




I am not expecting to ever get to a place in life where everything makes sense and everything feels perfect. That place would be so boring to me. I adore the feeling of FEELING, being alive and going through the amazing emotions of life. Some of them are really amazing, and some of them, hurt really bad. But I have never felt more alive than when I am in a studio taking out my frustration, emotion, anger, love on a dance floor. THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR.

"Horizons they are rising, and arriving for us both. So get dressed, take a deep breath and just say YES to the unknown!" - Wes Hutchinson

Tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay.

I must once again clap my hands (perhaps even a thunderclap) at my friend Stacey Tookey. It has turned out that everything amazing this season on SYTYCD is from her. This brought tears to my eyes tonight, and it actually amazes me that such brilliance can come from such a calm, caring, sweet grounded person. Most of the time, the best artists are nutcases and everyone put up with them because they are so talented. Stacey is both talented and sweet. I could gush forever...

Thanks so much for the response to the last blog. I cried my eyes out most of the day and the stories of your sweet puppies and kitties helped warm my heart. As usual I most likely said way too much but life is a story and this is the place I get to tell mine. Thank you for joining me.

Some exciting news on my front: Sabre (So you think you can dances season 3 winner) was spotted rocking my peace.love.dance tshirt at the HUGE dance summit fashion show in NYC this weekend. It was choreographed by Mandy Moore and I am so honored that one of my pieces made it! Also got a call from the Peepshow Documentary crew and looks like the show might air this fall, so that is fun. Also, many of my Rockette friends stopped by the Sugar and Bruno booth at the Pulse in NYC this weekend to pick up some stuff! So cool! I would have loved to take Brian's class. Word on the street is that all my items are now on backorder off the website which is both AMAZING and sad. Hopefully they will be up as soon as possible again. We are looking into doing some sort of give away of Chelsie + My line with some sort of video contest in the near future. That girl is getting ready for another insane season of DWTS so it is a little hard to keep in touch! Is anyone out at Ihollywood in LA this week? Please give Tokyo the biggest bear hug ever. Love that dude.

In other news: I am still on team brandon. Big time.

One more thing. Angel said to me once "girl, if you don't have haters you ain't shit". I certainly have my share. I realize I am not perfect. None of us are, but instead of throwing around words of hurt let's all just tell our stories and grow and collect and dream. There is something to be learned from everything. I wish I had bones in my body for hate and jealousy. I just don't. I never get jealous. Not my style. My good friend Shu-shu (who ALSO happens to be my Rockette roomie this season) said it best. "Sometimes people lash out at everything they are scared to be." So I say this: There is room on this planet for us all to stand together, unite and support eachother. When I meet someone who has something I want it inspires me to work my butt off. When someone does something mean to me it inspires me to not make that same mistake and inflict hurt on anyone else. When I find myself on the verge of knocking someone down because it might make me feel better, I think about how much I could learn if I only stopped to watch them instead. What has happened has happened. I am free to report that. But our reactions and actions to the what the universe puts in front of us is what matters. Sometimes my reactions are lame and generally immature, but other times I surprise myself with my strength. My only goal is to work towards more of these "surprises" and less of these "lames". I am not there yet. I might never be. But the journey, man, this is all so amazing to live through. Thank you for reading, responding and inspiring me each and everyday.

In the words of Sarah Jessica Parker in the greatest dance movie of all time, Girls Just Want to Have fun

"Not everyone needs to warm-up"

she responds:
"YES, THEY DO."

Goodbye Hobo.

"Oh honey, you will find a better man, but you will never find a better dog."- my mom.









2 years ago a very unexpected litrle doggie made it way into my life. I can remember getting a phonecall while I was in Canada and the voice on the other end said " I am gonna get a dog today". My response was "that is a very bad idea." This was a boy who would invite me to a house with no hot water because he forgot to pay the bills. We lived lives where we never knew where we might be, where we would live and what was next. He was lonely. I was rational. Somewhere in between I became a doggie mommy. I met Hobo in LA at Pete's beautiful Hollywood Hills side bachelor pad his girlfriend Ashlee had noticed Hobo has run out of food and began looking after her. The entire basement smelled like Hobo. She was impossible to train. Her daddy would have to leave her along for hours on end while he sat in recording studios banging away, and to this day the only thing Hobo is afraid of is thunder.

Very shorty, we realized that we were in over our heads. Hobo moved out to Las Vegas with us.I thought it was a good idea if we sent Hobo to puppy training. She spent 6 weeks away with the best dog trainer in Vegas and was promised to come back to us ready to heal, sit, stay and do tricks! She came back and the trainer said to us " Hobo is untrainable" and left. We would put her in the crate, and 5 minutes after she would sit there with her giant puppy dog eyes, we would end up pulling her out and inbetween us in the middle of the night. Hobo would sit outside in the backyard with Jon and her dad and eat crickets right out of the sky. Hobo smelled like puppy until after her first birthday. We moved, renovated and inbetween picking out colours for the walls, fabric for the curtains and watching my dream wooden bookcase be constructed Hobo learned how to eat wooden staircases. Hobo learned to Eat Dior. Hobo learned to run up and down the hallways of the apartment complex night after night her tail wagging so big and her big velvet ears flapping in the air. Her daddy and I found ourselves in tours, working and she lived at a million houses (I owe my friends BIG TIME) We were the farthest thing from good parents. It was clear that he was in no way ready for the puppy and shortly after I baked Hobo birthday cupcakes, we decided that I would bring her back to my apartment in New York City. I did. Hobo loved NYC. We would walk along the west side highway and watch the sunset each day. I was in love with having her with me.

The fall came and we decided that since we would both be on tour that the best thing to do was have Hobo spend the winter with my family in Canada. She learned about snow, and winter and got really, really fat. (It's cold there!) My mom sent us pics of her dressed up for xmas and we photoshopped her onto our xmas card. I loved our family.

I went to go pick up Hobo at the end of my Rockette contract this January. She came back to Vegas with us and we were all together again. It was wonderful.

When I left the only thing I took was my wallet and my Hobo. I ran out so fast I forgot to put the leash on her and she thought we were just running around the hallways for fun again. We had nowhere to go. We drove around the highways until one of our friends answered their phone and I went there. For the week afterwards, uprooted from everything we knew and completely heartbroken Hobo slept on my chest. I would wake up in the morning and she would literally be laying across my chest sound asleep on my heart. There were so many mornings I would wake up crying and just lay, and cry in bed and Hobo would sit beside me and lick my hands, face and tears. I would take Hobo for walks around the neighbourhood at night and remind myself to look up at the sky and that, yes I was still alive. I felt dead. I had no idea why I was here, in Las Vegas, completely homeless, and heartbroken. Every single day from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep Hobo followed me. She was waiting by the door when I got home from work, and waiting beside me when I woke up. I went to the kitchen to eat, so did Hobo. I had to pee, Hobo came along. I would be typing on this very computer and she would come and paw at my hands and demand that I stop and give her kisses for a minute. Sometimes I would sit on the edge of my bed and have complete conversations with Hobo. I would explain to her that I was confused. I would explain to her that I was wounded. I would explain to her that it hurt so badly because I knew her daddy didn't miss us.

Each night after work I started dragging myself to the dogpark by the house I was staying at. I would stay there for 3 hours. I got asked on ALOT of dates. I always said no. I met alot of dogs, one circ gymnast, and 2 panic at the disco fans. I would let Hobo run around until my heart stopped hurting. Sometimes it did. Mostly it didn't. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I called a friend and tried to pretend I was doing okay. Hobo mimicked each and every movement of my heart, on our best days she would run free following groups of doggies all over the park at full speed. On our worst days Hobo would not leave my grasp and sit all 18 pounds of her on my lap and stare at me and my pathetic mess of a self.

One day Hobo and I went to the doggy park and her dad stopped by to say hi. He brought her some treats. We talked and talked and I said, that I did not believe that this was it. He told me that he didn't want me to date anyone else, but he didn't want to be with me. That one day he would regret this because he knew how perfect I was. I cried alot. He cried alot. Hobo went sniffing far away so that we could try to make some peace. I talked about how all of my dreams were coming true, showed off my DS cover! Told him that had gotten signed to my own clothing line! and none of it seemed to matter. I only wanted our family to be togther again...I had always said to her daddy that all I really wanted to be in life was adored. I felt like I had created this really special being, and that I just wanted to be with someone who woke up everyday and though "How did I get SO lucky that someone like Keltie wants to be with me!" That is all we really want isn't it? It is certainly what we all deserve.

That night as I was leaving the doggie park with Hobo beside me I asked to be left alone. I asked that he not contact me, or confuse me. He has honored this wish and I appreciate that. We saw him when he came to town to support us and see my show, and have a sleepover with Hobo. It sucks to have someone you care about tell you one thing to your face, like, that he's having a really hard time moving on, and then, turn around and parade new lookalike girl all over town. It's hard to want the best for someone who obviously only wants hurt for me.

Regardless...Hobo and I moved, we created a clothing line, we found our friend Albie and pooped many many times of his bathroom rug (Hobo not me!), we ran the blocks between maryland parkway and flamingo, we laughed together, we snuck into peepshow, a cried together and we hiked the beautiful mountains in Las Vegas together. Eventually, my heart hurt less and less and Hobo started to weigh less and less! We smiled when we woke up in the morning, and we sat together and watched all out dreams come true...Hobo found her love for nylabones and I learned to live alone for the first time in my life. It is well documented that this has been an eventful few months for me. I made no attempt to be classy or silent about my heartbreak. I was really honest each and everyday. Some people get to write songs, some people get to paint and I get to write and dance. I would have never survived without my pup. I never knew that I could love THIS much. Sometimes I put her fur in my hands and smell it and want to hug her until her bones squish because that is how much love I have for her. I know what love feels like, and maybe, for me, I won't ever have that great love of my life like the romance movies show us. Maybe I am ment to be a fearless girl all alone. I think that with my busy schedule, career, and plate that maybe I am unlovable.

Hobo was supposed to be a 7 pound minibeagle who would ride around with her rocker daddy on the tour bus. Somehow she ended up being my sidekick in life and my best friend. Gone are the days when I wake up crying and she has to lick my tears. I wake up and am treated to all the things I never had before. Someone to really adore me. My own house and the feeling that it is not so scary to be alone in it. Peace with her daddy. The realization that Karma exists. When I was 21 I was an idiot. I messed up so many times you couldn't count them on all of my fingers and all of Hobo's claws. We all make mistakes. We are all just finding ourselves. I think the hard part is trying to learn all these lessons without hurting anyone else too badly. Maybe that didn't happen this time, but I know you'll never read this, but thanks for agreeing that it was best that Hobo be with me. I know you don't miss me, but I can only imagine you might miss her.

Hobo has to leave me tommorrow and I am crying my eyes out thinking about my life without her for the next few months. She loves it in Canada but I am not sure how I am going to be without my sidekick. She sleeping on my legs right now and she knows something is up.

Is there anyone else out there like me, who just is madly in love with a doggie? I feel so silly but I can't be the only one.








s

I am still afraid of the dark.

I guess if you look in the urban dictionary under the word "fearless" you see my name in definition #4. I gotta say, if I never create another thing on the planet, never inspire another person, book another job or dance another step...this is enough for me. I was having an amazing convo with some great friends post show about the rise and fall of "fame". I've watched so many people fall from grace in the last few years. I would be lying if I didn't move to NYC with the big city dream of being the next Janet Jackson/Paula Abdul/Sarah Jessica Parker but to be honest, I found myself wishing almost the opposite at this point. I think notoriety is far better than fame. Just think, I have gotten to work with huge huge stars, while they were huge, on big events on tv and in movies, and when the next flash in a pan comes along, hopefully I will dance with them too. But once they fall and fall far down into the dirty world of showbiz, imfamousness, and episodes of the "sureal life" I will still get to do what I love each and everyday, in the coolest places possible. It is almost better to be in the background, I will never be a "has-been". Instead I will always be a "has-been-behind-that person". There are no limits on my success. I really like that. When I screw up (and trust me I do) no one gets to know but me. I kinda get to take the easy way out, only it's hard too.

My point was about being fearless so I shall return to that. If I am going to be known as this I think I should put out into the world that I am infact afraid of many things:

-scorpions
-scary movies
-basements
-bombs and guns
-eels
-losing things I love
-trusting people
-having my heart broken again
-thunder
-sweeney todd
-singing in front of people
-petite allergo



AND if I am going to go down as the fearless one I must go down with my fearless partner in crime Kesha. This girl...I wish I was half as strong and graceful as her. I also wish it was wear my glitter butterfly shirt everyday world but that is another blog... night night...

If I could be so bold. I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

I love this piece by Travis Wall, I am so excited to see what he does next in the dance world. What a true genius. I feel like he made this for me. That is my favorite kind of dance, when it expresses something that I cannot seem to do with words. Everything the locket, the catch and release, the push and pull of a boy and a girl. I think they tore a page out of my journal. It is such a scary thing to ask someone to hold your heart, to give them some semblance of responsibility for your feelings. For me, it is an issue of trust and faith, two things that I struggle with to no end. I am a teeter-totter girl. One day I am fine. The nest day I am a mess. I wish I had a better grasp on my heart, but my grasp on everything else is much stronger. I have a wishing heart. I have a foolish heart. I have a fearless heart. I suppose that is much better than having a broken heart!



I quit my job today at Peepshow and gave my notice and my last day as Lil P will be August 25th. This is something I have been waiting to do as most of my unhappiness comes from being outside NYC. I am looking so forward to spending a tiny bit of the fall back where I belong. Vegas has taught me alot about bad fashion, good pools and the importance of staying true to oneself. What a journey. This 6 months has been nothing like I thought it was going to be. I had painted a perfect picture in my mind of my life having it all in one place- that is what life does though isn't it? It surprises us with those twists of fate we never expect. You can never count on your perfect plan because it just doesn't exist. I have felt that the world was ending only to see even greater things in the next sunrise. I am glad I took the time to heal, learn to like myself again, do some great therapy and work on myself for the last 6 months. Being alone is a really important piece of the puzzle. It is so easy to jump into someone else's arms just to not have to be alone. It was a tough little ride there for a minute, and all the minutes picking my heart up off the floor but...here I am, stronger than ever with more will and determination than one girl should have. (hobo agrees! She is sitting here licking my hands as I write!) My heart is ready for something amazing. My mind is ready for the next challenge. My body is ready for my art.

When one door closes another door ALWAYS opens- and we may never know what the grand plan is, but believe me, the universe will give you everything you deserve if you just have faith. Karma is a beautiful thing.

FULL OUT! FEARLESS!!

Today is the proudest day of my life! Finally after 6 months of work my designs are available! I hope that everyone loves the choices and I am currently working on even more pieces (sweats, bags, hoodies) for winter.

The Fearless tank came from the idea of doing something that everyone could wear. I wanted to make something for dancers and non-dancers alike. The idea came after I went through some crazy struggles all within a short amount of time and I really felt like had hit rock bottom. I read an awesome inspiring email a friend had written me that said " You can't fear the future Keltie. The Future is where are your dreams come true." This was during a time where I was rehearsing each and everyday with Jerry Mitchell and his favorite thing to yell is "FULL OUT!". I adopted the saying "FULL OUT! FEARLESS!". A few days later I got the word fearless tattoo'd on my ring finger. For me this was a turning point. I decided to embrace the unknown, move forward and create a world in which all my dreams come true, and to not fear love, rejection or my own weaknesses. A week later I was signed to Sugar and Bruno and began my work! For the Fearless Heart tank I wanted the font of the word to match my tattoo, and I wanted the heart to look like I had drawn it on myself. The detail within the back design is doodles representing all the fearless things, stars like my tattoos, hearts, flowers (still got that hippie thing) and in the back is my name signed...very small. I wanted this to be printed on an everyday tank, you can wear it to class, or you can rock it with a pair of jeans. This is just a reminder to just be fearless, I am. I have lived one of my worst nightmares right out here in the open for everyone to see, handled it with half the grace I wish I had, but I jumped back into life and love fearlessly. Same goes with auditions, you are gonna get cut 50000 times before you book that dream job. Just be fearless and full out! Everything happens for a reason!


The Peace. Love. Dance. tee came from a place where I wanted to make a hippie t-shirt. I thought this shirt would be white with all kinds of flowers and drawings all over it. The more and more we worked on it the more I loves the idea of doing something bold and bright. All of you told me that you love v-necks and I took your advice! I loved the idea of doing a "dance" t-shirt that was not cheesy and pink. I wanted something even the dopest b-girl would rock. It was only supposed to be printed on the black and during a mistake at the factory we discovered this grey sort of vintage look too! I love them both.



I am sitting here crying with emotion. This year has been the greatest year of my life and it is only JULY! Working in a kickbutt show, filming TWO tv shows, being on the cover of DANCE SPIRIT and inside DANCE MAGAZINE and DANCE TEACHER MAGAZINE, Making the 60% for the rockettes, selling out of mantra cuffs in a week, and meeting the cuties at Sugar and Bruno and them signing me even though I am not on SYTYCD or Dancing with the Stars...they took a big chance and I have worked my butt off to make great designs so that I can make them proud. I really hope you love this gear. Thanks in advance for all your support.

Kelly Monaco once said to me. "It doesn't matter what happened to you, no one cares, they are only watching to see you fall apart afterwards, don't. Use this as a platform to be the most kickass girl in the world."

done? well, in any case I feel like I am well on my way. I owe alot of this strength to you all. You are my lifeline and my vent journals and my inspiration to stay positive. I love each and everyone of you. Whenever I see you on the street I will hug you till you cannot breathe. Thank you for your love, support, tough love, sometimes really honest tough love that I didn't want to hear...but mostly your love and belief that after so many years of relentless hard work I would finally get all the recognition in the world. It feels crazy but it also feels amazing. Now hop on down to www.sugarandbruno.com and check out my signature series page!