I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

I remember once being so heartbroken I couldn't get out of bed. More than once. When I look back at what I have learned about love, it really boils down to the fact that I never really loved myself. It seems pretty silly right? For a very long time, I very openly blamed a whole handful of other humans for the fact that they couldn't love me right. Although those people are not all together innocent, most of the blame landed on me. I came from a world of dance where perfection could never be reached. I would spend numerous hours each day of my life growing up picking myself apart in floor to ceiling mirrors. I've been pretty cruel to myself over the years. It is no wonder then, that I easily connected with other people who also were pretty cruel to me. It felt really right. I started to fight for recognition in my career and my relationships the same way, by pretending that everything was fine and never letting anyone see me cry. I could barely take care of myself, but I found it helpful to my heart to attempt to take care of others, almost obsessively.

I spend two years alone, working on my heart and out of the awesome abiss came swoon. I have never met a better human, or a better man. I get to spend my days with my best friend and someone I admire and look up to (and also, have to look up to, see video!)

It's May, and that calls for a home movie. I hope that you like it and feel inspired to find you own swoon one day...

I know you don't want to read about happiness.

Happiness to anyone who isn't happy is likely vomit inducing. It was to me for a very long time. Lately I have found it both confusing and disappointing that it is far more artistic and interesting to be seriously depressed, than it is to be happy. So many good sad songs. I could search for images + quotes of desperation for hours, everything about happiness is in the shape of a daisy. boring.

Real happiness isn't like that. It isn't a sun shining, or a flower growing. Most likely, if you are like me, your tomato plant will be dying while you are your happiest. I think we live in a universe that is so challenging for us that when happiness or some sort of peace is upon us we spend those fleeting moments is complete fear of that happiness. I think I am happy! AHHHHHHH!!!! Hold on tight.

I kinda feel like, WHO DO I THINK I AM? Taking meetings with bigwigs, having them duel over who gets to play in my sandbox, being whisked away to the desert by a devilishly handsome swoon, daily letters of adoration from readers, a full jar of peanut butter, friends who have the mature ability to be both jealous of me, and happy for me at the same time (a quality I am not sure I possess), in the last 2 months having a little piece of my art be believed in by a swanky, high-powered manager who also happens to be slightly OCD and impatient like me, and a few bucks in my pocket.

My first instinct is always that at my next turn someone will find out that I am completely untalented fraud and that all of this will turn to dust, and I will be all alone again. I have to work hard everyday to love myself the way others seem to love me, it's nearly impossible. Having to walk into a room and explain the inner workings of my heart to strangers is close to hell for me. I get so stupidly nervous when i have to be myself. Why? because there is some gnarly ugly stuff inside me, and I've been able to hide behind that for nearly a decade in my dance career. Getting to walk in a room, smile, and dance around without really having to get to know anyone, or let anyone into my soul was a very safe choice. Smile. Tittie pop. get out.

With that safe choice, I have created a whole collection of pretty forgettable pieces of art. A few youtube videos, a collection of times I was the Blondie behind, beside and in front of a such-in-such star, some kicks where it was my job to blend in and be completely un-noticed. Now I am in a place where I am purging my entire soul into my work, in a very scary environment, and I am learning to be fearless with my words. Because I have been given to opportunity to create something timeless, inspiring and something that might inspire you, your friends, or even your kids to follow their dreams and be better, stronger, kinder humans. That is a job I do not take lightly.

I am not sure why i wrote this today. I guess I kinda wanted you to look at your goals and dreams and to not be so upset when they take a different twist + turn then you had planned (maybe since you were 9 like me). The universe knows where you belong, who you belong with, and what you are meant to create in your lifetime. You can be like me and fight that for many, many years...or you can close your eyes and absorb what the universe is trying to tell you.

No one ever wrote me a letter telling me how much my dancing changed their lives. I am pretty sure their are dancers out there who do receive those letters. I do however, on a daily basis receive letters about how these little words, and my little book have inspired you all to be better, live inspired and be careful with your hearts.

That's all the sign I need.
What is the universe trying to tell YOU?

Hey guys,
I know it is guest blogging month, so I haven't been writing a ton but I felt compelled to write a little today.

A few years ago I laid in my bed in Queens crying my eyes out feeling the lowest of lows and seriously contemplating going downstairs and drinking the bottle of bleach under my sink. I felt like there was no reason to go on, and that the world was always going to be this muddled, backwards, non-karmic nightmare.

So, I started writing. You started reading. I fell and in and out of love. In and out of hate with myself. But most of what you were reading was a daily letter to myself to KEEP GOING. I am so happy it inspired you and touched you, but mostly I am so glad that I didn't drink the bleach that day, or any of the other days afterwards I have wanted to.

Sometimes I wish that when we were born we were given a map so that we could be semi-informed of where life's twists and turns might take us. I think it might be easier to navigate if we at least had a hint of where we might end up.


I just wanted to say, please do not give up. It is really easy to think that happiness and success and love look exactly like we pictured at 6 years old after watching wonder years re-runs, but I think real success isn't about bmw's or fancy shoes. Success to me is creating art with integrity and being able to pay my rent. I used to think that happiness existed inside the "cool" people or certainly inside of rooms that I was never being invited into, but I have figured out that happiness comes when you actually like yourself. Liking myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn.

And love, ah love. Love isn't a lovesong, or a picture that looks sweet, or a million people ooohhhing and ahhhhing over how cute you are together. Love is when someone stays up all night with you to help you practice being yourself, because you are so bad at letting people see the "real" you, that you actually have to prepare in order to speak about yourself.

Staying true to who you are and not letting the million pieces of who you should be that the universe throws at our eyes is one of the biggest challenges of our generation. I am so glad that we are all here together figuring out how to do that.

Guest Blogger: Tim Minor

It's guest blogging month! Remember that in addition to this being an awesome way to connect to new and inspiring people+ blogger this is also a competition! The blogger who recieves the most direct hits to their blog here will win a giant box of cool stuff from my clothing line + a few other awesome sponsors! Make sure to post, re-post, tweet + facebook your favorite entries!


Spaghetti.

I went over to my neighbs late the other night. My brother decided to wake her up by pounding on her bedroom window and scaring her out of her sheets. Probably terrifying, but funny at the same time. I walked in and asked her if she had anything for me to put in my stomach. She said Ms. Rowdy had made spaghetti that night and it was the worst thing she had ever tasted. In her words, it tasted 'like fart'. Out of curiuosity, I had to taste this recipe. I'm kind of a rat when it comes to food anyway; even if it literally tasted like fart, I would have still ate it because its free.

I laughed at her remark but had to ask her if she told Rowdy it was horrible.

"Oh, no. I just said I wasn't that hungry. I didn't want to hurt her feelings or nothing, I mean, everyone else said they liked it... "

In unison, my brother and I looked at each other, chuckled and said

" Or at least they said they liked it."

I tasted it. I ate a bunch of it actually. And I'll admit, it wasn't awesome or something I'd recommend to anyone else. But it wasn't gag worthy or disgusting necessarily, it just wasn't seasoned right. Regardless, Rowdy left that night thinking she made dinner for her friends and that they loved it. When really, the truth was hidden behind the rest of soon-to-be thrown out left overs in the fridge afterwards.

I have an honesty complex. I call it a complex because I've began to realize how rare brutal, blunt honesty is to come across. And for me, its a must in order get some sort of objectivity to grow from. But I've found it easier for people to blatantly lie to someones face- about their choice of hair color, wardrobe, music taste, etc- instead of telling them the truth and letting them know that "no, that shirt does not match those shoes" or "no, that color does not look good on you" or "no, that music makes me want to stab my ears." I understand being sensitive. I understand being considerate. I understand fear of conflict and whatever else but what I dont get is why its so hard for someone to just simply say how they feel and put it on the table. Lay it out, and dont make it insulting or hurtful but just... real.

I need that real. I need that level of criticism and nothing less. Fighting this good fight is... a fight. Its not easy. Its not a walk in the park. Its an obsticle course. You have to jump around cliches and avoid generic topics and continually pace yourself to keep your identity and a unique voice. And when I read my work to people, or recieve responses from people about my work... its becomes almost scripted; they are going to say "Man, that was awesome. Good stuff!" or "Yeah, that was really good" and that shit never propells my artistic development. It just makes my writing plateau. I feel like "Thank you" has about as much substance behind it as "hello" or "how are you" when I say it now; its lowered itself from a sincere level of humbling appreciation to boring, repetitive small talk.

Maybe its insecurity that drives this need. Maybe the truth is that some of what I write is actually 'good stuff' and I'm just really bad at taking compliments. But I can't help but think that sometimes, when I leave the room, that the people who read my work or hear me perform tell others it tasted like fart. And personally, I WANT TO HEAR THAT STUFF! I dont want these candy coated responses. Even if I do write or perform or say something awesome, I would almost prefer to recieve a " That was good but I think you should.... (blank)". Give me a building block. Give me an obsticle to maneuver around or something to push me higher.

I dont want to be intimidating. I dont want artists to approach me to do projects and accept every idea I spew out as being right or usable. I want to be rejected. I want to be told 'that just sucks'. I want you to break me down so I can grow and become a better me. Challenge me. Shove my face into my mistakes and my short comings. I am a flaw. Personified and breathing so

dont let me think I'm anything more than a work in progress.



Links for Tim:
kineticaffect.com
http://stitchedupstillrunningwithscissors.blogspot.com

and in the end you'll have your best friend.

This is the kind of song that if you have recently had your heart broken, you might think is the worst song known, ever.

This is the kind of song that if you are madly, sweetly, blindingly, passionately, head over tap shoes in love, might send giant smile from heart to lips.

Sometimes I look back to times in 2005, 2006, 2009 and wonder how I could have been so low, how I could have let someone hurt me so badly, just how badly a heart can break. But I wouldn't trade it in, although, I wish I knew know what I knew then (cliche alert!) It is so easy to say you are in love. After days, weeks, one magical date, one magical kiss- but I am pretty sure that love, real love, involves two people laying in bed together for the first time in busy weeks and confessing their hope to die first, knowing that many years from now, even if they love eachother endlessly, with all that they have- at some point their heart will be empty.

I have also walked through the fire enough to know that some sort of giant let down is at the end of this tunnel of love. Maybe another broken heart, or maybe we last for what feels like forever and...he dies first.

Nothing is forever, so you better love him or her with every heartbeat you have right now.

I do.

I've moved down the street to Tumblr.

Come on over for a cup of tea!

Guest blog: alysen lauridsen

Guest Blog: alysen lauridsen!

What’s the point of having a future when you don’t live in the present? I know there’s that lame saying about everyday being a miracle which is why it’s the present… and as accurate as that may be, it just sounds weird. BUT ANYWAY.

If you don’t live in today, you’re going to miss it. You’re going to find yourself sitting in an unfamiliar apartment, wondering “how the hell did I get here… and more importantly, what did I have for lunch yesterday?” Turns out, that apartment is your apartment. You spent the last two months moving in and unpacking in an LA filled daze. (and for the record, you had PB&J yesterday). The details may seem trivial, but what happens if you don’t live to see tomorrow? Your life will be filled with hopes and dreams, but nothing accomplished.

That’s also bad.

It’s great to have hopes and goals and dreams, but you have to remember that now is now, and it’s only going to happen once. There aren’t any do-overs, and there definitely isn’t a rewind button.

Sometimes, you just have to take a break. Grab a mug of green tea, your favorite book, those cute raybans that you had to have, and enjoy the sunshine and just take a minute to smell the roses. You don’t know how long they’ll be there.

xo aly

my blog is http://www.wewillberemembered.blogspot.com/

my twitter is http://www.twitter.com/mynameisalysen
#guest blogger keltie colleen

Guest blogger: Abbie Reetz

It's guest blogging month! Remember that in addition to this being an awesome way to connect to new and inspiring people+ blogger this is also a competition! The blogger who recieves the most direct hits to their blog here will win a giant box of cool stuff from my clothing line + a few other awesome sponsors! Make sure to post, re-post, tweet + facebook your favorite entries!

Introducing: Abbie Reetz!

I’m Abbie. I’m currently a college sophomore in a small town somewhere in the Midwestern United States. I wish I could live in a Harry Potter book, love all things chocolate, and swoon over anything acoustic.

I also have a secret power. Well, two secret powers. Streetlights have a tendency to turn off as I walk under them, so my friends believe I can manipulate light, but that isn’t the important one. I have a secret talent for attracting perfectly nice guys that I’m just not interested in. During my first two months at college, I got hit on by someone new just about every week, which is ridiculous because that was more than the total number of guys who hit on me in all four years of high school. It got to the overwhelming point that I even made a list of Secrets To Charming Boys (Especially The Kind You’re Not Interested In). (link: http://abbie-turned-normal.blogspot.com/2010/09/secret-to-charming-boys-especially-kind.html

Because of these experiences, I have come up with a list of Things Not To Do If You Like Someone. Because no one wants the person they like to refer to them as “That creepy guy/girl.”

Things Not To Do If You Like Someone:

1.) Assume one conversation means you are in a relationship. I know when you get swept up in the new, happy feelings of being in like with someone, you can get kind of carried away. But don’t think that one late-night Facebook chat with your future soul-mate means that…well…they’re your soul-mate. Even if you have a great conversation, it is not permission to stalk them, text them 24/7, or start PhotoShopping your pictures together to figure out what your future kids will look like.

2.) Ask them out, regardless of the current circumstances. If you like someone and you’ve been hanging out and they’ve been giving you that “I’m-into-you-please-love-me” vibe, ask them out. Go for it. Why not? Just pick your timing carefully. Try to avoid times when they are rushed or with other people. One guy I met decided to ask me out after we’d been hanging out for a week. He wasn’t a bad guy, but he asked me while I was rushing to prepare for a soccer game. And my roommate was sitting two feet away. And he prefaced the whole thing by saying, “This is going to be awkward with your roommate right there, but…” which obviously just made it more awkward. My response was “Maybe”, which leads me to how you shouldn’t…

3.) Get mad at them for their answer. I gave him a “Maybe” because I had no time to think and I honestly didn’t know him that well. He was not happy. He sent me angry text after angry text telling me how he put his feelings on the line and how I just stomped all over them and how he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to just jump into a relationship with a near-stranger. The whole thing was loaded with immaturity. So, if you don’t get the answer you want, be gracious. If they give you a maybe, hear them out and try to do what you can to make them change their mind. If they give you a no, be respectful and back off.

4.) Tell them how your friends think you’re perfect for each other. Because nothing is quite as off-putting as knowing that someone’s entire collection of friends knows enough about you to judge how great of a match you would be when you’ve never even met any of them.

5.) Never make a move. Nothing is quite as frustrating as when someone is super flirty with you and you kind of like them, but they never give you any reason to think that they want anything more than just to flirt (and consequentially mess with your head). Unless you’re into the whole playing-games-with-someone thing, let them know that you’re interested. There’s no reason not to.

Pretty much, just don’t do things that would freak you out or bother you if someone were doing them to you. Which makes sense. That whole “Golden Rule” thing applies to a lot. I mean, you wouldn’t want anyone to think you were a creep, so you don’t act like a creep. You wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re a chainsaw murderer, so you leave your chainsaw and hockey mask in your garage instead of carrying/wearing them around all the time. It’s just common sense!

For anyone who’s curious, eventually one of the nice guys who liked me convinced me that he was worth my time (after I gave him a “Maybe” and he said, “I can handle that,” and proceeded to be the sweetest boy ever) and we’ve been dating for the past five months.


Blog: http://abbie-turned-normal.blogspot.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/dear__abbie (dear__abbie)

Guest Blogger: Kaitlyn Wilhite

Welcome to HighKicks+Highhopes Guest blogging month! Remember that in addition to this being an awesome way to connect to new and inspiring people+ blogger this is also a competition! The blogger who recieves the most direct hits to their blog here will win a giant box of cool stuff from my clothing line + a few other awesome sponsors! Make sure to post, re-post, tweet + facebook your favorite entries!

Congrats to my first awesome blogger!
Kaitlyn Wilhite
http://kaitlyn-lifeinashoe.blogspot.com/

Sometimes in life I think we all get so selfish. We feel like in order to give we must get something in return. When I walk onto a big black marlee floor and leave my heart there unplugged and abandoned, I expect to feel something. I expect the earth to stop for a moment and renew my fire. Truth is, since I left California in August, I can count on one hand the amount of times that dancing has made me feel something. I've gotten really frustrated, and heartbroken. It's like the worst break up of my life. I. Just. Want. To. FEEL. Something, anything. I'm fighting with my dancer self. I can't make eye contact with her in the mirror. I can't set her free like normal. The love of my life (dance) isn't making me feel anything anymore. But isn't that how true love works? If you can fall in love, you can fall out of love. Which is why I don't believe love is something you fall into. Love is something you throw your entire human self at, and choose over and over again every single day. So, regardless of the fact that I don't feel like I'm getting what I need from my dancing self right now, I'm going to continue to throw myself at it, everyday.


This is the perfect generation for dreamers and I'm so blessed to be a part of it. I mean, how many other times in history has the starving artist been as stable as the college graduate. No one expects me to get a degree and be a school teacher, a nurse, a politician or any other really cool grown up job. Turns out those kids are also applying to sell sweet tea at Chic Filet. I live in a generation that gets to go for it, because really, what else can you do? It's not money, or stability you are after, because that's all stupidly unstable these days.-- It's happiness. So for goodness sake go out and do what makes you feel alive. That's what we all really need, to be alive little beings who do more than eat, work, sleep and repeat.


I'm having to make some tough decisions about work next year. It's really been getting me down because once again it seems the universe is being a tid bit stubborn about letting me make everyone happy. I've been all glum and blue, and pouty. Then it hit me, remember when your parents told you that you needed to finish your dinner because there were starving kids in third world countries?...I guess I missed this because I was stuffin those last 2.5 green beans into my very full tummy but Im pretty sure that the real moral of the story is to love what you have. You see, I have people offering me money to do what I love. Woah, somebody smack me! Really Kaitlyn?...Now, don't get too excited but here is the surprise spoiler ending to my book, SHHHH...don't tell. The conclusion to my book is going to be a chapter called "You know you're a blessed mess when..."--and fact of the matter is, it's going to be longer than all of the other chapters combined.


At the end of a very very long, unecessary day, as I sit in my crappy shirt, stuffing York mints in my mouth and counting down the minutes until a new day begins I'm going to realize I am one majorly blessed little mess. I'm thankful for the air I'm breathing right now. The heart that is still pumping blood. The feet I have to dance. The lack of logic I have that allows for HUGE dreams. The possibility of seeing the sunrise again tomorrow. I mean, let's be real...even after all the small defeats I felt today, and all the 'epic fail' kind of days that await me, I am beyond blessed. I get to come home to a man that loves me more than he should. After he hugs me, wipes my tears and brings me back to a healthy non emotional woman perspective...I can walk into a studio with him, say nothing and just dance. For hours. and Hours. and Hours. Until I can't breath anymore. Until the problems that overwhelmed me prior are smaller than ants. Last I checked, that's a pretty big dream all in itself.



Ps. remember to "like" this blog on bloglovin'

sometimes I find it very difficult to see people who are known to be cruel to others get ahead in life. what a bummer. sometimes I question Karma a little.

Advice post:

what should go through your mind when someone says something purposely hurtful and cruel to you?

someone who would speak to anyone that way is obviously someone whose opinion is not worth anything. Because anyone respectable would never say anything that nasty int he first place. Yelling, screaming, pick fights, leaving rude comments, sending hurtful tweets or taking out your self-hatred on someone else has no grace and is VERY revealing of them.

And because of that...you do not have to take it in.