Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Christina Perri "arms" .

Hello Army.
Today Christina's new single "Arms" came out. I kinda sorta love it. Why? because Cp + I share a similar problem. We have a very hard time letting people love us.

Call it a scar. Call it a past. Call it holding back.

Falling in love is pretty easy. I fall in love on a daily basis. With the babe at the store. The character in the book I am reading. The voice of Matt Nathanson. It is pretty easy to jump, skip and yell about how amazing the person who has pumped new blood into your heart is! "he's the one!", "this is it!" "best guy ever!"


Loving someone is really hard. It involves a heck of alot of trust, courage and fearlessness. It involves giving away parts of you and being unsure if you will ever see them again. It involves looking at the big picture, the long haul, and some gnarly heart stuff. It involves loving someones flaws and letting them see our own. You know those days when you want to give up on everything, well, you can't anymore, because someone Else's heart is involved. That, my darlings, is not only brave on your own hearts side, but an incredible responsibility to someone else's heart.

I've had my heart beaten and beaten enough hearts in the past to know both sides of love.

I was chatting with CP at the 101 yesterday + talking about what makes swoon so special. I think it is that with him, there is no instant gratification. Is my life infinitely better each day with him in it? yes. But when I look at Swoon I don't see tomorrow, or next month, or what cool thing he has going on this spring- I see him in a forever kind of way. I see him and I when we are very old. I see him with me in 10 years. It is a very scary, safe place. When you look at your heart and see the big picture is it so wonderful. The challenge is just letting yourself be brave enough to see it that way.

Because even with all the love he gives me, I spent last thursday night crying while he was at the gym, sure that he was out with another girl. When he arrived home, sweaty and tired, through my hysterics I explained to him where all these scars came from- he sat with me and allowed me to look through his phone, at each and every message...

Because I am sure that I cannot trust anyone, and he is sure to prove me wrong.

I hope you can see right through my walls.