my so called life.

On friday I had a little incident with a landslide. More on that later.

In more exciting news I woke up to a phone call from one if the directors of HOUSE MD. So weird to not be begging people to like my work, I cannot really actually even digest it yet. He said many epic things, but the one that stuck with me was, I think the theme of your story is "hope goes a long way". Isn't that just gorgeous? So true. I have lived the better part of my life, wishing, hoping for whatever that next thing is. In between all of that I have been convinced that I am a talentless, idiot. Isn't that the struggle of life? Waking up each morning and knowing that 90% of the world is going to try to beat the crap out of your confidence all day long so that they can feel slightly better about themselves, it is just a vicious cycle, we all just keep doing it to eachother. I think over the past few years I have grown a deliciously thick skin, rarely does the world know me down to a lowest low anymore with their cruel thoughts. But you know what you simply can't get away from? Yourself.

Ugh. Wake up, look in the mirror. I hate my damn skin. Why Am i so pale? Why is my hair always a mess? Get in the shower. Why does my belly always look like a food baby is inside? I need a pedicure. My feet are awful. My boobs are pathetic. My arms have too many moles. Get out of shower. Get dressed. Why can't I be 6 feet tall? Why does this not look good? I hate my butt. I hate my boobs (again). I hate this shirt. Why did I think wearing this shirt would be a good idea. Why do I even own a star wars T-shirt? I hate star wars. Why did culture make me thing that I might like myself more if I wore this, and place it in front of me. I hate this shirt. I hate star wars. I hate myself. Makeup time. Mom says my eyebrows are to fat. I like them. But why do they grow so fast! I hate my nose. I hate my skin. I need concealer. more concealer. and finally more concealer. I hate my eyelashes. How the hell do the kardashians always look good? I hate my face. I hate myself. I hate everyone.

It is so hard to see the good in things when we can only see the bad in ourselves.






"Angela: Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me."-my so called life.

losing your mind for the sake of your heart.

well,

I realize my blogging skills have been less than stellar lately, so thanks for sticking it out with me. A few things have been putting a block in my writing mind frame, one of them is that I am using all my brain thoughts to write the most epic treatment of all time for what might just (with a bunch of hard work, and a certain amount of luck) the best new tv show in the universe. The problem is of course, that I am trying to sum up a book into two pages, a life into two pages and a message into those two pages too...how do people do that?

How do we simplify the complex structure of our hearts and dreams? It is proving to be pretty difficult. Le Sigh.

Heard I was getting some flack on the inter webs for quoting some band lyrics.

Bottom line, we are what we do with our once in a lifetime chances. I cannot stand people who have no idea of just how lucky they are. I know what I did with my life after that break-up and I cannot hide that I am proud of my former friends for picking up their own pieces, in whatever place they wanted to and the moving on. Making art, for the most part should be really wonderful, because what is the point of all the rejection, false friends and bullshit if you are not getting to create things you are really proud of?

I am pretty sure that there was nothing more magical than being in the room with that dreamer as he wrote music. I was there once, I felt that magic. Even though years later most of the time my thoughts go to "what was i thinking?!" There were a whole bunch of other people that got to become addicted to that brilliance too, but to be honest, there was nothing worse than being the the room with him the rest of the time. I have never met a better liar. I cannot help but feel a little hopeful to those of us who survived and decided that we would let the people who wanted to sink ships, sink themselves and not us! To me, records, time stamps and weddings are just signs of what I knew all along, people are only as important as the importance we place upon them.

Most humans, myself included are pretty dull beings, but we seem to place some sort of godlike standard on some "special" people. Then we are disappointed when we are disappointed with them? That's not fair, people are just people. It is our own job to make sure that our own hearts are taken care of and we are living our own lives, and not in some dream world we created in our minds.

That guy you like, he is only cool because you like him. If you didn't he would just be some dude you avoid eye contact with on the street.
Same with whatever shirt, shoes, car or other consumer item that you are constantly lusting after, your lust is what makes it gorgeous.


There is so much space between acting crazy and losing your mind.
Some of us are better that it than others.




Ps. Because I feel pretty bad for being MIA this week, I went and made an epic sale. $20 wild hearts tees + $20 lace shorts at keltiecolleendance.com. Please accept my "sorry" with some fierce shiz!

Christina Perri "arms" .

Hello Army.
Today Christina's new single "Arms" came out. I kinda sorta love it. Why? because Cp + I share a similar problem. We have a very hard time letting people love us.

Call it a scar. Call it a past. Call it holding back.

Falling in love is pretty easy. I fall in love on a daily basis. With the babe at the store. The character in the book I am reading. The voice of Matt Nathanson. It is pretty easy to jump, skip and yell about how amazing the person who has pumped new blood into your heart is! "he's the one!", "this is it!" "best guy ever!"

But,

Loving someone is really hard. It involves a heck of alot of trust, courage and fearlessness. It involves giving away parts of you and being unsure if you will ever see them again. It involves looking at the big picture, the long haul, and some gnarly heart stuff. It involves loving someones flaws and letting them see our own. You know those days when you want to give up on everything, well, you can't anymore, because someone Else's heart is involved. That, my darlings, is not only brave on your own hearts side, but an incredible responsibility to someone else's heart.

I've had my heart beaten and beaten enough hearts in the past to know both sides of love.

I was chatting with CP at the 101 yesterday + talking about what makes swoon so special. I think it is that with him, there is no instant gratification. Is my life infinitely better each day with him in it? yes. But when I look at Swoon I don't see tomorrow, or next month, or what cool thing he has going on this spring- I see him in a forever kind of way. I see him and I when we are very old. I see him with me in 10 years. It is a very scary, safe place. When you look at your heart and see the big picture is it so wonderful. The challenge is just letting yourself be brave enough to see it that way.

Because even with all the love he gives me, I spent last thursday night crying while he was at the gym, sure that he was out with another girl. When he arrived home, sweaty and tired, through my hysterics I explained to him where all these scars came from- he sat with me and allowed me to look through his phone, at each and every message...

Because I am sure that I cannot trust anyone, and he is sure to prove me wrong.

I hope you can see right through my walls.

the ballad of what taylor swift, madonna, the beatles + every other awesome-saucer in the world has gone through.

i promise you will be ok.
this is the "give up point"
the point where most people walk away from their dreams when it gets gut-wrenching hard.
I have been there many times my darling,
and the secret is not to walk away.
just stay.
the universe has a plan
i swear.

stop.

Sitting listening to "lovestrong" by Christina Perri all the way through. Benefit of being in the circle of trust. It's amazing. I am so inspired.

I got some good advice advice today that I wanted to pass on.

Just Stop.

I know. Easy right? Seems that way. I think sometimes we get so used to seeing things and reacting to things based on what we see through our tiny little personal lenses. But, think for a minute ALL the millions, gazillions of things that make up one person. Think of all the things that YOU have been through that effect the way you think and feel. It's very personal. There just is no black and white when it comes to feelings. We get in trouble when we hear or see something we do not like, and then instantly throw our reaction back out into the world (this is the stuff that makes up 99% of reality television) without STOPPING.

I guarantee if you stop for a second and look through the bigger lens for the bigger picture, you will react differently. After all, we are all fighting the same fight. Trying to keep our heads above water, have people like us, survive and actually enjoy ourselves.

Contrary to what your tiny lens might try to make you believe, people are not out to get you, hurt you, or upset you in any way (most of the time, and if they are then to heck with them!) People are just trying to do the things they have to do in order to make sure all of their own realities are in sync.

So the next time something upsets you, confuses you or hurts you.

STOP.

Look at life through the wide lens.

I can honestly say, anytime I have ever given an instant reaction to ANYTHING I have always regretted it.

Stop.
Breathe.
Repeat.

you just never know.

Once upon a time I spent alot of time on a tour bus with a really cool director.
Once upon a time I had a favorite band in Brooklyn + used to go see them with 5 other people when they played tiny shows.
Once upon a time I used to have a friend who posted epic songs to youtube + we drank milkshakes at the 101.

During all of those times, I was reaching, searching, longing for my "career" to take off. I had dreams of janet jackson. I went to auditions and parties and meetings and tried so hard to catch the eye of someone so that I would have a shot at using my talent for someone/something "cool".


This week that really cool director asked me choreograph a magical video for one of my favorite artists.

This week that band (after blowing up) asked me to choreograph their very first official music video.

This week that friend started planning her music video for her first single off of what I am pretty sure will be one of the most talked about albums of 2011, and she asked me to be a part of it.

Here is my thought for you today. Remember all those days we spent trying to fit in with the cool kids? Look again, we are the cool kids.

you make my heart. beat. faster.

Dear, girls who are attacted to assholes:

Seriously, as a recovering addict of the never calls, the liars, the "i'm busy right now", the "oops I forgot your birthday/name/phone number", the ones who are so "artistic" you think they just love you in a super artistic way, maybe by osmosis where they don't actually have to be "nice" to you, they just have to promise to be nice to you and that is enough. To the girls that are addicted to the ones who run, the ones who cheat, the ones who disappear, the ones who flirt (with other girls) the ones who sleep (with other girls) the ones who make you feel like you are worthless/not pretty enough/ or are really REALLY lucky to have them + should put up with whatever bullcrap platter they are serving...

Do yourself a HUGE favor. Stop. Right now. Stop obsessing over these idiots. Anyone who doesn't have any idea how to treat a human being with respect certainly cannot be ready to treat your heart with the extra loving care that it needs.

Anyone who cannot see how unbelievably lucky they are to have you, and spends everyday of their life making YOUR life better by telling you that you are stunning, talented, not as bad of a cook as you think- is NOT worth it.

You are dying. Yup, you are. I am too. We all are, and I betcha on your death bed when you are looking back at your life you will seriously regret all those hours you wasted stalking someone who has no idea you are alive, on the internet or from inside your car during drive-bys (you creep!) Obsessing if his new girlfriend/previous girlfriend is prettier/more talented/has better clothes than you is a waste of time. We all know that no matter what he is doing now, it is no where CLOSE to as awesome as being your main squeeze, why? because you are the most gorgini woman on the planet. Even your once a month menstal zit is cute. You have the best heart and you love with all of it, and only a very VERY special creature is deserving of this love.

Stop wasting your time trying to be the girl that you think he wants. If he is made of boy material he most likely has no idea what he wants.

Just go with me for a second, and take a look around, see that guy over there, the one who isn't the most popular, isn't the one that "every" girl wants (even though they should because he is awesomesauce) the one that is really nice to you, has the balls to take you out on a proper date and remembers the little things you say in passing that you cannot even remember that you said (ie. I cannot sleep with closet doors open). You have most likely been friends with this guy for a long time. Maybe you went out once and then he was soooo nice to you, it felt completely alien so you ran the other direction back into the arms of boy who had no idea what he wanted/treated you like garbage.

Take it from me, a girl with more heart stories that any one person should have.
If you end up with the nice guy, your life will be really nice. '

Swoon makes me believe in the good guys + is so gorgeous that sometimes I can't believe I get to date such an U B E R H O T T I E.