You know how our favorite actresses, pop stars or icons all tend to at one point in their career, go seemingly mad? I used to think that was based on the fact that you have to be a little weird, unique and slightly out of your mind to want to be in show business.
The truth is that showbiz is one big illusion. An empty mirage. Showbiz is a world full of constant judgement and scaredy cat people. There is nothing real here because everything we make is make believe.

That being said. I am off the the 101 to have breakfast with my bestie because love and friendship are the only thing worth fighting for, I believe.

crying is okay here.

everything single fiber of my being wants to give up today.

In my head within the last hour I made plans to take what is left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, prince rupert or Greenland and become a starbucks barista. I have made plans to drive my shitty suv off the edge of the highway because I am pretty sure the relief that I am aching for could come from the smash of all of me + all of my car. I have decided to start yelling at people, like just showing up at their office, house or via email and just start ragging on every single thing that I cannot control and want to be able to. I want to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I have already started by skipping pilates, auditions and meals.

It has been a very, very long time since I stood crying in the shower. I know you all know, that overwhelming, spinning sense of utter confusion at what to do next. Should I scream? Should I rinse my hair? Should I lay down?

It has been an even longer time since I thought about laying down on the floor and not getting up for days, because I might feel better in days. I know I am supposed to rejoice in all of the many blessings the universe has given me and the people I love, but if those blessings make it impossible to see your best friend, or the guy you love, are they even blessings? We are living as totally successful loners. Although, at this point I am more of the barely getting by loner. We have "the life" the big wigs, the vip passes and the names to drop but when does being busy and making your dreams come true become a curse? Why do we work so hard so we can have nice houses, cars and meals (I have none of those yet), if we never actually get to enjoy any of it. Swoon planted an entire garden for me a few weeks ago and I have been outside to see it 4 times.

every single fiber of my being wants to run very far away today.

But I can't move to greenland, lay on the floor or throw rocks at peoples houses.
Because that isn't what a fighter does. and WE, you and me, we are fighters. We are the good guys, we are supposed to win.

so, I'm gonna get up off this floor and I'm gonna do exactly what I said I would, and I'm gonna do it better than anyone else could. If I have to cry my eyes out every single day until something makes sense, I guess I am going to have to do that to. I am so sorry I haven't been better at connecting and inspiring you lately. I honestly, am just having such a hard time inspiring myself to keep going, that I don't have any extra inspiration left for you. Please forgive me. Please get up off the floor and fight with me, because I can't do this alone.

We can't give up.
I won't let you, if you don't let me.

guest blogger: Gretchen McCutchoen

Everyday: Makeup, hair, fancy outifits. You know what I did today? I wore no makeup, I didn’t touch my hair, and I wore old sweats. It was like a glamour detox. Today, I felt perfectly happy in my own skin. (Even if it does have a few blemishes here and there!)

Sure I like that “fashion” stuff sometimes, but girls wear it to put on a facade it seems; to cover up who they are and the way they were born. They depend wearing on five pounds of foundation, 2hours worth of frying their hair with a flat iron, and the latest clothing trends before they can step out the door. A couple years ago I was like that too. I wouldn’t even go the grocery store without spending an hour primping beforehand! But this year, I realized that people who are even worth my affection, would like me for who I am on the inside, rather than the mask I wear on the outside. If someone only likes you for the way you look or the clothes you wear, NEWS FLASH: they don’t really like you. Remember the classic tale of Beauty and the Beast? Belle loved the beast because he turned out to be a wonderful person on the inside, no matter how menacing his looks were.

As it has been clearly established, I’m the world’s most hopeless romantic. The girls on tv and in the movies all look perfect, thin, and modelesque, and the boy always falls in love with the beautiful girl. Of course I want to be that beautiful girl that Prince Charming falls head-over-heels for. I’ve tried ALL the latest makeup tricks, new hairstyles, different clothes, losing weight, and anything that might make me more “beautiful”. However, every Prince Charming has a different vision for his princess, and every princess has a different vision for her Prince. Think about it, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, they will see you and love you even at your very worst and STILL think you’re perfect. I stopped trying to change who I was. I embraced what I wanted to wear, what I decided to eat, and what I considered beautiful. No need to try to be like everyone else. I was made the way I am for a reason, and so were you.

Try it, take off all the makeup. Don’t worry about your gorgeous locks. Wear whatever you want to, and Smile. Just detox yourself from any insecurities, worries, or self-hate. Try it. Brown hair, brown eyes, not skinny, and not modelesque, yet perfectly imperfect. It really opened my eyes up to what is really “beautiful” and that is being ME.
Inspiration of the day: “Remember all those days we spent trying to fit in with the cool kids? Look again, we are the cool kids.” ~from Keltie Colleen’s blog “High Kicks and High Hopes”

Head on over to BUZZNET.com + enter my little contest. In the spirit of PROM I am giving away a dress from Bestey Johnson! The directions are over on buzznet but all you have to do is leave a comment saying the BEST EVER line to get someone to go to prom with you...

ie. "I am bendy, wanna go to prom?"

so... Go! Play! Join! Shop! Anyone can enter + it ends of Wed!

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

I remember once being so heartbroken I couldn't get out of bed. More than once. When I look back at what I have learned about love, it really boils down to the fact that I never really loved myself. It seems pretty silly right? For a very long time, I very openly blamed a whole handful of other humans for the fact that they couldn't love me right. Although those people are not all together innocent, most of the blame landed on me. I came from a world of dance where perfection could never be reached. I would spend numerous hours each day of my life growing up picking myself apart in floor to ceiling mirrors. I've been pretty cruel to myself over the years. It is no wonder then, that I easily connected with other people who also were pretty cruel to me. It felt really right. I started to fight for recognition in my career and my relationships the same way, by pretending that everything was fine and never letting anyone see me cry. I could barely take care of myself, but I found it helpful to my heart to attempt to take care of others, almost obsessively.

I spend two years alone, working on my heart and out of the awesome abiss came swoon. I have never met a better human, or a better man. I get to spend my days with my best friend and someone I admire and look up to (and also, have to look up to, see video!)

It's May, and that calls for a home movie. I hope that you like it and feel inspired to find you own swoon one day...

I know you don't want to read about happiness.

Happiness to anyone who isn't happy is likely vomit inducing. It was to me for a very long time. Lately I have found it both confusing and disappointing that it is far more artistic and interesting to be seriously depressed, than it is to be happy. So many good sad songs. I could search for images + quotes of desperation for hours, everything about happiness is in the shape of a daisy. boring.

Real happiness isn't like that. It isn't a sun shining, or a flower growing. Most likely, if you are like me, your tomato plant will be dying while you are your happiest. I think we live in a universe that is so challenging for us that when happiness or some sort of peace is upon us we spend those fleeting moments is complete fear of that happiness. I think I am happy! AHHHHHHH!!!! Hold on tight.

I kinda feel like, WHO DO I THINK I AM? Taking meetings with bigwigs, having them duel over who gets to play in my sandbox, being whisked away to the desert by a devilishly handsome swoon, daily letters of adoration from readers, a full jar of peanut butter, friends who have the mature ability to be both jealous of me, and happy for me at the same time (a quality I am not sure I possess), in the last 2 months having a little piece of my art be believed in by a swanky, high-powered manager who also happens to be slightly OCD and impatient like me, and a few bucks in my pocket.

My first instinct is always that at my next turn someone will find out that I am completely untalented fraud and that all of this will turn to dust, and I will be all alone again. I have to work hard everyday to love myself the way others seem to love me, it's nearly impossible. Having to walk into a room and explain the inner workings of my heart to strangers is close to hell for me. I get so stupidly nervous when i have to be myself. Why? because there is some gnarly ugly stuff inside me, and I've been able to hide behind that for nearly a decade in my dance career. Getting to walk in a room, smile, and dance around without really having to get to know anyone, or let anyone into my soul was a very safe choice. Smile. Tittie pop. get out.

With that safe choice, I have created a whole collection of pretty forgettable pieces of art. A few youtube videos, a collection of times I was the Blondie behind, beside and in front of a such-in-such star, some kicks where it was my job to blend in and be completely un-noticed. Now I am in a place where I am purging my entire soul into my work, in a very scary environment, and I am learning to be fearless with my words. Because I have been given to opportunity to create something timeless, inspiring and something that might inspire you, your friends, or even your kids to follow their dreams and be better, stronger, kinder humans. That is a job I do not take lightly.

I am not sure why i wrote this today. I guess I kinda wanted you to look at your goals and dreams and to not be so upset when they take a different twist + turn then you had planned (maybe since you were 9 like me). The universe knows where you belong, who you belong with, and what you are meant to create in your lifetime. You can be like me and fight that for many, many years...or you can close your eyes and absorb what the universe is trying to tell you.

No one ever wrote me a letter telling me how much my dancing changed their lives. I am pretty sure their are dancers out there who do receive those letters. I do however, on a daily basis receive letters about how these little words, and my little book have inspired you all to be better, live inspired and be careful with your hearts.

That's all the sign I need.
What is the universe trying to tell YOU?

Hey guys,
I know it is guest blogging month, so I haven't been writing a ton but I felt compelled to write a little today.

A few years ago I laid in my bed in Queens crying my eyes out feeling the lowest of lows and seriously contemplating going downstairs and drinking the bottle of bleach under my sink. I felt like there was no reason to go on, and that the world was always going to be this muddled, backwards, non-karmic nightmare.

So, I started writing. You started reading. I fell and in and out of love. In and out of hate with myself. But most of what you were reading was a daily letter to myself to KEEP GOING. I am so happy it inspired you and touched you, but mostly I am so glad that I didn't drink the bleach that day, or any of the other days afterwards I have wanted to.

Sometimes I wish that when we were born we were given a map so that we could be semi-informed of where life's twists and turns might take us. I think it might be easier to navigate if we at least had a hint of where we might end up.


I just wanted to say, please do not give up. It is really easy to think that happiness and success and love look exactly like we pictured at 6 years old after watching wonder years re-runs, but I think real success isn't about bmw's or fancy shoes. Success to me is creating art with integrity and being able to pay my rent. I used to think that happiness existed inside the "cool" people or certainly inside of rooms that I was never being invited into, but I have figured out that happiness comes when you actually like yourself. Liking myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn.

And love, ah love. Love isn't a lovesong, or a picture that looks sweet, or a million people ooohhhing and ahhhhing over how cute you are together. Love is when someone stays up all night with you to help you practice being yourself, because you are so bad at letting people see the "real" you, that you actually have to prepare in order to speak about yourself.

Staying true to who you are and not letting the million pieces of who you should be that the universe throws at our eyes is one of the biggest challenges of our generation. I am so glad that we are all here together figuring out how to do that.