Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Some my favorite people...

Jamie from TWLOHA
Elmo, Cp's drummer.

cute right?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Today I heard a song line that went "everything is magical until it becomes routine".

So true right? 5 years ago I would have died to have the kind of week I had dancing with Beyonce!! Swoon drove all the way to vegas just to sit in the crowd an cheer me on! All good things right?

But it didn't feel magical. It just felt normal. That's how I feel in my heart too. So weird isn't it? To just want someone so normal for so long and then not be able to take anything from it because it feels so good all the time?

Falling in love is the single best feeling on the planet. You cannot get enough of someone. Your eyes twinkle when they meet eachothers. He's perfect. He's kind. He really cares about you. But for some reason I have such a hard time even appreciating that because my mind is set that all really good things should be really, really hard.

I think it is so pathetic that I feel the most alive + inspired when I am hurting.
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Guest blogger: Lucy Karahagopian !!

I was having a conversation with someone today... a conversation I've previously had with the same person countless times. And although said person forgets what has been said the next day, i've realized that while trying to help her snap out of her depression I have helped myself to stop being such a douchebag.

So this person has lived her entire life being afraid of what other people might say. She has lived her life as the image of perfection on the outside, and a complete mess on the inside. 8 years ago something happened in her life, and even though it was something drastic that affected the lives of more than one person she still has not been able to let go. For the past 8 years she has been a workaholic and a very aggressive person who takes it all out on the people she loves.
She is an extraordinary person, but a martyr. She helps everyone around her but fails to see the good things that come to her and pushes them away.

The worst thing you can do is live by other people. Here's the thing, they're not the ones living your life. They're not going through your pain. They have no clue what goes on inside your head, or your home. People who have nothing better to do than discuss other people's lives are pretty much worthless and hence you should not even give them a second thought. When you do, you give them more chances to interfere with your own affairs and you let them get to you when you really shouldn't give a damn. At the end of the day it's your life. Live it. Do whatever you want, wear whatever makes you comfortable, go wherever you wanna go, blast the music and dance like a lunatic if it makes you happy.
If you do not let yourself be happy, no one is going to do it for you. So either take matters into your own hands or shut the hell u p and do not blame other people.

You know that saying that you should do good and not expect anything in return? Don't take it too seriously. What happens most of the time is that you do good over and over again, people get used to it and thats the fastest way of becoming a doormat. Do not give anyone the chance to abuse you. So yes, be good to people, help them if you can, but you do not have to sacrifice your happiness for people who do not appreciate it.
I understand sacrificing for people you love, and poeple who appreciate what you do. But giving up your own happiness and that of people who care about you for the sake of others who are just going to turn around and stab you in the back, that I don't get.
I am becoming a strong believer of the fact that the most important person in your life should be you. If you are not well enough to be able to take care of yourself and provide your own happiness then you will never be able to achieve anything and you will never be able to be of any help to people who truly need you. I've heard this several times from my best friend but have only started to realize how true it is.

The point of all this rambling is that YOU are the only person who can stand in your own way by choosing to be negative, by not giving yourself a chance, by constantly doubting yourself and by not caring enough for your own needs. Cut it out. Take a breath. Loosen up. Go do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Screw other people, screw society, screw everyone who's ever made you feel any less than amazing. YOU are phenomenal. Act like it.

more at

Lucy, I love this. there is a good chance I am printing this out and putting it up on my fridge, amazing. Thank you for sharing.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

sometimes I wonder why things happen. Why did I date singer? Why did he come in and out of my life. Sometimes the answer comes really quick, in a few days and sometimes it takes years. Apparently, Singer was in my life so that I could follow him around while he played in this band, and so I could become friends with Luke (the lead singer) and then after Singer left the band, continue to love Atomic Tom and continue to follow them around to all their shows.

And then one day the made a music video and asked me to choreograph + I said I would but I had to dance too.

You just never get to know what the universe has in store for you. Maybe it is a broken heart. Maybe it is a tittie pop.

what do you guys think?

Monday, May 16, 2011

messing with a broke...broke.

I have been hiding out writing as many of my crazy NYC dancer stories down that I can think of. It's been really fun. I wanted to share this one!-KC

The next day I received a phone call from a casting director regarding a dance job I had applied for on one of endless streams of casting websites that I click, click, clicked every morning with my morning cup of green tea.
He was looking for the featured dancer for a music video that was shooting in Brooklyn the next day. He had seen my photos on my submission and wondered if I had any background in 1970’s go-go dancing. As a rule of thumb in my career- I had a background in everything, honestly I was at best a good dancer. But depending on who was on the other end of the casting phone call I would completely morph myself to having whatever skills they were looking for. You need someone who could do pointe work? I hadn’t touched my ballet shoes in almost 3 years, but I was still an expert who “almost” danced with the National Ballet of Canada, lie. You needed someone who could do lifts and partnering? I did one boy/girl jazz duet at dance competitions, so obviously that qualified me as a pas de deux expert, lie. Jobs for me were so few and far between that when landed on my lap, I had to do my best to be whatever it was that they needed. I didn’t care WHAT they wanted, I had to convince them that they wanted me.

So I did what I did best, I faked it till I made it. Almost instantly, I had studied fosse extensively and was very versed in all things with the 1970’s feel when really I was born in 1982. I had no idea what I was talking about. He seemed intrigued. He said that this was great and he said he would email me the address and information for the shoot and asked me to be there at 10 am the next day. I asked him about rehearsals and other dancers and he told me that I didn’t need to rehearse because I was going to be the only dancer. I couldn’t be more excited! I didn’t even have to audition. My very first official music video and it was a solo! When the email arrived I found out who I would be dancing for, Kayne West. This was many years before I would be dancing beside Taylor Swift and comforting her the night when the combination of these two stars on the MTV stage would cause an uproar. This was long before I knew what a golddigger was. I had no idea who this was. I call my mom.

“Mom! I booked a music video! I am going to be dancing for KAYNE (I pronounced it KA-IN-YEA) WEST”
“who is that?”
“I have no idea! It shoots tomorrow, amazing right!”

We celebrated my doing un-specified choreography in an unspecified music video for an artist I had never heard of like I had just won an Oscar.

The Next day I hopped on the subway and headed out to Brooklyn, when I arrived to the station, I treated myself to a cab ride from the station to the shoot. Mostly because I had no idea where I was, and also because I wanted to seem important when I arrived. When I did arrive in my cab, no one was outside to see me being important. I paid the cab driver and looked at the door with the numbers that matched my email. I started to seriously doubt that this was actually a job, there appeared to be no one inside. I knocked on the rusted, graffiti covered door and heard nothing. Finally after enough time had past for me to plan how I was going to tell my mom that the video had turned out to be nothing, the door opened. It was a dude with a headset. I told him I was a dancer in the video, he looked confused and told me to come with him. I followed him around the set while he asked every single person, "do you know where I put this dancer?" PUT THIS DANCER. It felt the same as if he was asking the crew where the dumpster for the trash was. This was not the glamorous version of my music video debut I had envisioned. Finally, the dude put me in a tiny little dressing room and told me to wait there. SO, I waited for what seemed like hours. Finally, the director found me. He introduced himself and brought me to set. He showed me a giant white shadow box and had me step inside. It was made of white paper and lit from behind so that when I was inside all the camera could see was my silhouette. It became clear why I had booked this job without an audition. It didn’t matter what I looked like, because you weren’t going to even see me. I was going to dance inside a box. I came out of the box and waited for shooting to start and watched a giant entourage of huge men surround a tiny little guy wearing a Letterman sweater. Apparently Kayne West had arrived. Once he got onto the sound stage the guy who had been standing in a giant bear costume for the last 45 mintues in the heavy stage lights moved out of the way and got out of the bear suit. Kayne put the suit on and it was time to shoot. Where the heck was I? I was Dancing in a box for a guy rapping while wearing a bear suit? Was this what showbiz was always going to feel like? Confusing and overwhelming?

This was the first time I could ever remember learning one of the lessons of my entire dance career. Dancers lived at the bottom of the showbiz pond. On top were the stars and somewhere down at the bottom with the silt and sludge were the dancers and production assistants. No one of set knew my name, brought me water, cared that I had been dancing full out in that tiny box completely overheating for the last 2 hours without a break. I was far too scared and overwhelmed to ask for anything I might have needed. In between takes I would just take deep breaths and pray that it would all be over soon. I was released from my box and nothing was ever said again to me. I walked around set and tried to find the man that I had spoken to on the phone, I asked everyone if they knew where we got paid. I told them I was told I would get $150 at the wrap of the shoot. No one seemed to know. When I finally did see phone call man he told me that he was so sorry but had forgotten to get cash to pay me, he took down my address and promised to send out a check tomorrow when everything calmed down. I agreed because I trust everyone, I am Canadian, I don't even lock my house. I learned that day the reason it is called show business. If it was going to be a good time and people were going to throw money at me after I completed a job it would be called, show fun.

Everyday for the next two weeks I ran to the mailbox to see if I had been paid. For me at the time a check for $150 was a tiny life of dance life salvation. The check never came. That day I learned the reason that Kayne’s “golddigger” wasn’t messing with a broke...broke. He kept that $150 for himself.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

You know how our favorite actresses, pop stars or icons all tend to at one point in their career, go seemingly mad? I used to think that was based on the fact that you have to be a little weird, unique and slightly out of your mind to want to be in show business.
The truth is that showbiz is one big illusion. An empty mirage. Showbiz is a world full of constant judgement and scaredy cat people. There is nothing real here because everything we make is make believe.

That being said. I am off the the 101 to have breakfast with my bestie because love and friendship are the only thing worth fighting for, I believe.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

crying is okay here.

everything single fiber of my being wants to give up today.

In my head within the last hour I made plans to take what is left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, prince rupert or Greenland and become a starbucks barista. I have made plans to drive my shitty suv off the edge of the highway because I am pretty sure the relief that I am aching for could come from the smash of all of me + all of my car. I have decided to start yelling at people, like just showing up at their office, house or via email and just start ragging on every single thing that I cannot control and want to be able to. I want to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I have already started by skipping pilates, auditions and meals.

It has been a very, very long time since I stood crying in the shower. I know you all know, that overwhelming, spinning sense of utter confusion at what to do next. Should I scream? Should I rinse my hair? Should I lay down?

It has been an even longer time since I thought about laying down on the floor and not getting up for days, because I might feel better in days. I know I am supposed to rejoice in all of the many blessings the universe has given me and the people I love, but if those blessings make it impossible to see your best friend, or the guy you love, are they even blessings? We are living as totally successful loners. Although, at this point I am more of the barely getting by loner. We have "the life" the big wigs, the vip passes and the names to drop but when does being busy and making your dreams come true become a curse? Why do we work so hard so we can have nice houses, cars and meals (I have none of those yet), if we never actually get to enjoy any of it. Swoon planted an entire garden for me a few weeks ago and I have been outside to see it 4 times.

every single fiber of my being wants to run very far away today.

But I can't move to greenland, lay on the floor or throw rocks at peoples houses.
Because that isn't what a fighter does. and WE, you and me, we are fighters. We are the good guys, we are supposed to win.

so, I'm gonna get up off this floor and I'm gonna do exactly what I said I would, and I'm gonna do it better than anyone else could. If I have to cry my eyes out every single day until something makes sense, I guess I am going to have to do that to. I am so sorry I haven't been better at connecting and inspiring you lately. I honestly, am just having such a hard time inspiring myself to keep going, that I don't have any extra inspiration left for you. Please forgive me. Please get up off the floor and fight with me, because I can't do this alone.

We can't give up.
I won't let you, if you don't let me.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

guest blogger: Gretchen McCutchoen

Everyday: Makeup, hair, fancy outifits. You know what I did today? I wore no makeup, I didn’t touch my hair, and I wore old sweats. It was like a glamour detox. Today, I felt perfectly happy in my own skin. (Even if it does have a few blemishes here and there!)

Sure I like that “fashion” stuff sometimes, but girls wear it to put on a facade it seems; to cover up who they are and the way they were born. They depend wearing on five pounds of foundation, 2hours worth of frying their hair with a flat iron, and the latest clothing trends before they can step out the door. A couple years ago I was like that too. I wouldn’t even go the grocery store without spending an hour primping beforehand! But this year, I realized that people who are even worth my affection, would like me for who I am on the inside, rather than the mask I wear on the outside. If someone only likes you for the way you look or the clothes you wear, NEWS FLASH: they don’t really like you. Remember the classic tale of Beauty and the Beast? Belle loved the beast because he turned out to be a wonderful person on the inside, no matter how menacing his looks were.

As it has been clearly established, I’m the world’s most hopeless romantic. The girls on tv and in the movies all look perfect, thin, and modelesque, and the boy always falls in love with the beautiful girl. Of course I want to be that beautiful girl that Prince Charming falls head-over-heels for. I’ve tried ALL the latest makeup tricks, new hairstyles, different clothes, losing weight, and anything that might make me more “beautiful”. However, every Prince Charming has a different vision for his princess, and every princess has a different vision for her Prince. Think about it, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, they will see you and love you even at your very worst and STILL think you’re perfect. I stopped trying to change who I was. I embraced what I wanted to wear, what I decided to eat, and what I considered beautiful. No need to try to be like everyone else. I was made the way I am for a reason, and so were you.

Try it, take off all the makeup. Don’t worry about your gorgeous locks. Wear whatever you want to, and Smile. Just detox yourself from any insecurities, worries, or self-hate. Try it. Brown hair, brown eyes, not skinny, and not modelesque, yet perfectly imperfect. It really opened my eyes up to what is really “beautiful” and that is being ME.
Inspiration of the day: “Remember all those days we spent trying to fit in with the cool kids? Look again, we are the cool kids.” ~from Keltie Colleen’s blog “High Kicks and High Hopes”

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Head on over to + enter my little contest. In the spirit of PROM I am giving away a dress from Bestey Johnson! The directions are over on buzznet but all you have to do is leave a comment saying the BEST EVER line to get someone to go to prom with you...

ie. "I am bendy, wanna go to prom?"

so... Go! Play! Join! Shop! Anyone can enter + it ends of Wed!