new home.

hi. it's me.

Lots of readers have been writing me, upset that I am blogging for Buzznet and not here on HKHH anymore. I wanted to explain why, and offer you some insight as to where you can find those super heartfelt, inspiring blogs you loved on HKHH, now!

1) This year I retired from dancing. Very weird for me. I also retired from having a job. Buzznet can help someone create a career out of being a blogger. I like that.

2)All the HKHH goodness is still there. I call them “heart blogs.” I post 2-3 of them a week, just like I did on HKHH. They are full of questions for the universe and all the good heart filled stuff you loved on HKHH. I’ll show you. Click here.

3)Buzznet allows me to share things, that I never could on HKHH. Trust me, I spent ALOT of time gathering images, inspiring quotes, music playlists I love, and fashion and makeup ideas that I love. Everything is handpicked by me, and it is an extension of my writing. Sometimes this might seem stupid to you, but sometimes, I feel like talking about glitter instead of the inner workings of my heart. Plus, I have a wedding to plan, so I have dresses and flowers to talk about- please join me!

Look, I know change sucks, but I also know that I work really hard to continue to write great heartblogs, and feed your HKHH selves. You’ve been with me since the beginning, and I love each and every one of you. I encourage you to come over to buzznet and take a peak at what i am trying to do. I am really enjoying myself. I think you will too.

COME TO BUZZNET!

big big big big big news.


we're engaged!

full story
http://keltiecolleen-imengaged.buzznet.com/user/photos/

view the full blog here.

Question:

is anyone ever happy in long term relationships?

answer: HERE.

depression is a beast.

When I was in 11th grade, an a week away from an ultra important ballet exam, the pressure got to me and I had a major meltdown. I had been eating only golden delicious apples for a week in preparation of the exam, and at some point the world got to much for me and I decided that hiding under the giant purple desk at my dance studio and crying was the best option.

That is my first memory of dealing with depression. It sneaks up on me.

A friend found me and it was the first time I went to see a doctor about my feelings. Over the years I have been to many and I suffer from a condition called PMDD. Sounds lame, but somewhere inside my chemical make-up my feelings are directly linked to my hormones. So, being a girl and having a 28 day cycle of hormones, my body doesn’t do very well when some of those hormone levels are high or low. I take medicine for this, and have for years, and I never told ANYONE, because I so embarrassed. Swoon was the first boy I ever told, and he’s been so amazing and supportive. I know this sounds really weird but somedays I wish I was just missing an arm, or something, then I could say- see look! This is why I am hurting. When it’s a condition inside your brain, you are always mixed with a hundred people and naysayers saying that it doesn’t exist.

I can live 40-50 perfectly happy days and then fall into a week of dark, hopeless days. I feel very embarrassed about my struggle with depression, and I never really talk about it, but I could assume that some of my up’s and down’s are why people say I am crazy. I’m not crazy, but I can fall into staggering lows if I let myself. Last week, I had a day where I turned off my computer, and phone and sat looking out the window for almost 10 hours. I just sat there. I had a million questions for the universe and I was pissed. At 5 pm swoon called me and I was crying so hard, he came home early from work. I swear, he thought I was dying. I kinda wished I was. That’s how low it gets.

In the midst of my darkest days, I feel like I might never recover. That I might not ever feel okay again, eventually, I do. But, inside of it all, I struggle. Do you know what I mean? And you feel a little silly right? Who am I to complain? There are starving children and people without a cent and with cancer and war heroes, and THOSE people have the right to be sad! Not us! I hope that this blog today opens up a good conversation about depression, and how it can happen to anyone. I also want to know that I accept fully that this is a condition that my brain has given me, and not something I brought on myself, and that it is not ANY of our faults when we feel this way.

I wanted to write this blog because I wanted to be honest, and I wondered if any of you have ever felt this way, or dealt with any form of depression. I put some of my symptoms in this gallery, and I hope you will take a look.

Just remember, you are never alone, and if no one if your world gets it- I do.

ps. I hope you click through and look at my gallery, and that you find some comfort in knowing someone out there struggles too. :)

CLICK HERE.

I think we all look in the mirror sometimes and give our reflection sexy face and are happily convinced that we are total babes. Usually, for me, the next thing that happens is that I see a photo of me from that day and I look like a super try-hard, lipstick on her teeth, nerd burger.

I think sometimes it's super hard to look out at the media and world around us and feel good about our outward opinion. Everywhere I turn I see Kim Kardashian going to the gym with a full face of makeup looking better than I do on a red carpet! It's hard on your girl heart- to always feel less than pretty.

That is why I was thrilled when legendary photographer Brad Elterman agreed to shoot me in Los Angeles. He is one of the most famous rock n roll photogs of all time, and I knew if anyone could catch a good side of me...it would be him.

Our day together was "cosmic" as he would say. Brad has amazing energy and was trying his best to convince me I was cool!! I guess what I learned from our shoot is that, the things that make you different are really the things that make you beautiful.

Check out this behind the scenes video & photos! Stay tuned for Brad's take on the photo shoot tomorrow and the full photos this Friday!

my AMA day!

INSPIRATION FOR YOUR DAY:

One thing I learned last night, that I wanted to pass along is that we see all these stars, and think in our heads that they are so untouchable, or that they possess something so much more special then any of us have, or that they have a kind of beauty that we could never posses. The closer I get to these people the more I realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. Anyone can look that amazing with a glam squad, and anyone (yes even me) can walk on a red carpet in a cute dress if they have the right team behind them. So, the next time you look t an US weekly, or a People magazine and feel jealous that j.lo always has perfect hair, remember J.Lo can't go to the store in her sweatpants without makeup. EVER. She can never just be herself....she always has to be 'J.lo" yikes, that seems like ALOT of work! Be happy to be you!

You can check out my AMA outfit here!

twilight.

last night I got to attend the Twilight Breaking Dawn premiere! I made videos and took pictures and if you want to see them click here.

It's been a really long road this year.

It began with a shoe store and I spent the better part of a year crying hysterically all day long, followed by joyous phone calls to my besties to celebrate minor successes! I got a manager. I got a big fancy agent. I got a big fancy producer to ask to make my book a tv show. I got to meet a big A-list celeb to play me. Everything was going as planned and then...

My integrity stepped in.

Somewhere they decided to make my character a slut, (I tried not to take that personally.) They turned the Rockers into stock brokers and the foot tape into leg warmers and began creating a world I didn't recognize, and one that I know that you, my readers, would not care about or be inspired by at all.

So then, at a gas station while washing my beat up 2000 CRV and counting my last few dollar bills, I made my decision. I wasn't going to take something so real, authentic and un-apologetically transparent and turn it into a bright, shiny made for tv movie will beautiful, perfect girls and fake story lines. I walked away.

I then had some people say really nice things to me like, "No one cares about your book until you sell 1 million copies" "We are waiting to see about getting you a publishing deal until we see if the tv show sells"

The emails got shorter, the time between responses got longer and I once again became an unpopular blogger who wrote a book and published it herself.

I don't care if I never make a tv show. I don't care if all the "book snobs" of the world think my book sucks. I don't care if agents and people who make a living making books, don't want to take mine under their wing.

Most of the time I agree with them, hate myself, look at my writing and agree. It sucks.

But, then you email me, you tweet me, you write me. Your long winded late night confessionals about why, who and how your own heart broke. How this quote saved you. How this book helped you. How you have your own Dreamer. How your own Rocker left you.

And that is what matters. Last night I was sitting, letting tears run down my cheeks in an honest conversation about death. I am so scared to die. I don't know about souls, or where we go and nothingness haunts me. I do know this. If we die, and all we have are our souls, then we need to make every single decision with those souls. The human connection is the only THING that is really real guys. When we go to heaven we won't have eyes to see BMWs or hands to count dollar bills with. We will have our souls. That's all.

So, I am filling up my soul by giving the middle finger to everyone who doesn't think I can be a writer. I am putting out the second edition of Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom on my own because it's gonna fill up my soul (and maybe your soul), and that's what counts.

AND YOU ARE GONNA HELP ME?

Calling all artists. I need you all to create the cover art for RRR 2.0. I see the things you create on tumblr, twitter, weheartit and I know that you are the most brilliant artists in the world. Here is a gallery of my favorite book covers, please create and post in the comments your design for me- I will be picking the winner next week and you will receive credit, a free e-book copy of RRR 2.0, some sugar and bruno clothes, and an autographed poster of your work. You have until Friday Novemeber 4th, 2011 and must be 13 years or older to enter.

Thanks for helping me, believing in me, and fighting the good fight. xx

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

-It can be photoshop, drawing, graphics but you must own the right to all images used

-Must include the title "Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom" and by: Keltie Colleen

-Color or black and white

-Please no ballerinas

-No photos of my face (i'd prefer to not be on the cover this time)

-BE CREATIVE!

you have 2 weeks!

visit my buzznet page for a gallery of images I love + to enter!

prescription for clarity:


1- try to develop a genuine appreciation for people by realizing the truth about them, they are all children of god, unique personalities and creative beings.

2- take the trouble to stop and think of the other persons feelings, viewpoints, desires, and needs, think more of what the other fellow wants and how he must feel.

3- act as if other people are important and treat them accordingly.

new blog.

here.

about this.

sometimes sadness can come over you in a wave
and your brain is just no match for your heart.
you should know better.

but a song
a smell
a photo

will take you right back.

And your happiness is ruin buy old hurt.


I hate old hurt.

The 'Oh shit" moment.

I was in church last week + heard the most amazing speech. I cannot remember it exactly but it went something like this.

"Everyone always thinks they have it totally figured out. Who they love, who they hate, what is important, what they want, what they need, and how the world works, and their relationship with god until...

the 'oh shit moment'

The moment when the plane is crashing or the cancer is happening that changes everything. "


I have been living my life this year as one big "oh shit" moment. Focusing truly on the things that are 100% important and living my life as if the plane is crashing down. It's meant some big changes in my friends, life, structure and time but I'd rather do it now then when I crash.

rome day1.

I am writing this as I take train by myself though inner italy, on route to my next stop on my 8 days here. It’s been amazing to be away from LA and the USA and everything normal and submerged in culture, beauty and a slow paced lifestyle.

I was eating dinner last night with my girlfriend that joined me for the first 3 days and we started talking about the things we love and what we would change.

I said that, although Los Angeles makes me want to collect things, I am always happiest when I am collecting memories.

She replied by saying “Driving a BMW is very nice, and I am sure it is fun, but it isn’t an experience, do not confuse the two”

I know we live in this culture that gives us one kind of pretty, one kind of success, one kind of rich and somehow we all become slaves to that status quo. It beats us down everyday making us feel like we are not good enough. That we do not matter unless we have lusted after “things.”

One day, at the end of your life, you will look back at all your years. I can guarantee you won’t marvel in all the hours you spent with perfect hair in your bmw.

Sometimes I spend so much time looking down at the ground, counting my imperfections in my head over and over, and rushing to get the the next part of my life that will somehow make sense that I forget that all my favorite moments are those in which I remember to look up.

If the sun is shining on me, and I can allow happiness into my heart- then I am the richest girl in town.

i made a gallery of all the things I have learned that I wish I could have told myself at 20. totally worth a read this morning.

enjoy. xx

CLICK HERE FOR GALLERY

for the heartbroken + uninspired.

emptied my "tape this to the fridge" folder on my mac + thought I would share it w/u -for the heartbroken + uninspired.

Click Here.

sometimes, no matter how much time has passed, or whose feelings were hurt, a person will always have a very special place in your heart. Years take the edge of rejection. Years take the sadness out of "I can't." The world has an amazing way of giving you what you need, and not always what you want.

It's been years. I will always consider you a part of my life in NYC and a million things have changed but you will always feel like home to me.

shark day.

This weekend I had a blast the shark night pool party. I realized that I am sort of a werid-o and I really enjoy marching to the beat of my own drum. I've been crafting a ton, and I made my flower halo for the party. Please check out the link to my gallery of photos~

things I learned at the pool party:

-hot tmz guy is hot in real life too.
-jeffery campbell lita's do not make good pool shoes.
-everyone has cellulite
-unless you are jennifer anniston or paula abdul you don't get to have your publicist act snotty to the press about interviews. You are the star of shark night, drop he tude chicks.
-a gay as a date never disappoints.
-when in doubt...lunge.

LINK TO PICTURES

It is very hard to see ourselves for what we really are. Easy to complain. Easy to want more than we have.

Today I am going to attempt to teach myself again that you cannot have it all just because you think you deserve it.

You don't really deserve anything, you work for everything.

get to work!