highkicksandhighhopes

2011-12-25T00:14:00.001-08:00

big big big big big news.

we're engaged!

full story
http://keltiecolleen-imengaged.buzznet.com/user/photos/

2011-12-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

2011-12-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

view the full blog here.

Question:

2011-11-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

is anyone ever happy in long term relationships?

answer: HERE.

depression is a beast.

2011-11-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

When I was in 11th grade, an a week away from an ultra important ballet exam, the pressure got to me and I had a major meltdown. I had been eating only golden delicious apples for a week in preparation of the exam, and at some point the world got to much for me and I decided that hiding under the giant purple desk at my dance studio and crying was the best option.

That is my first memory of dealing with depression. It sneaks up on me.

A friend found me and it was the first time I went to see a doctor about my feelings. Over the years I have been to many and I suffer from a condition called PMDD. Sounds lame, but somewhere inside my chemical make-up my feelings are directly linked to my hormones. So, being a girl and having a 28 day cycle of hormones, my body doesn’t do very well when some of those hormone levels are high or low. I take medicine for this, and have for years, and I never told ANYONE, because I so embarrassed. Swoon was the first boy I ever told, and he’s been so amazing and supportive. I know this sounds really weird but somedays I wish I was just missing an arm, or something, then I could say- see look! This is why I am hurting. When it’s a condition inside your brain, you are always mixed with a hundred people and naysayers saying that it doesn’t exist.

I can live 40-50 perfectly happy days and then fall into a week of dark, hopeless days. I feel very embarrassed about my struggle with depression, and I never really talk about it, but I could assume that some of my up’s and down’s are why people say I am crazy. I’m not crazy, but I can fall into staggering lows if I let myself. Last week, I had a day where I turned off my computer, and phone and sat looking out the window for almost 10 hours. I just sat there. I had a million questions for the universe and I was pissed. At 5 pm swoon called me and I was crying so hard, he came home early from work. I swear, he thought I was dying. I kinda wished I was. That’s how low it gets.

In the midst of my darkest days, I feel like I might never recover. That I might not ever feel okay again, eventually, I do. But, inside of it all, I struggle. Do you know what I mean? And you feel a little silly right? Who am I to complain? There are starving children and people without a cent and with cancer and war heroes, and THOSE people have the right to be sad! Not us! I hope that this blog today opens up a good conversation about depression, and how it can happen to anyone. I also want to know that I accept fully that this is a condition that my brain has given me, and not something I brought on myself, and that it is not ANY of our faults when we feel this way.

I wanted to write this blog because I wanted to be honest, and I wondered if any of you have ever felt this way, or dealt with any form of depression. I put some of my symptoms in this gallery, and I hope you will take a look.

Just remember, you are never alone, and if no one if your world gets it- I do.

ps. I hope you click through and look at my gallery, and that you find some comfort in knowing someone out there struggles too. :)

CLICK HERE.

2011-11-22T14:03:00.000-08:00

I think we all look in the mirror sometimes and give our reflection sexy face and are happily convinced that we are total babes. Usually, for me, the next thing that happens is that I see a photo of me from that day and I look like a super try-hard, lipstick on her teeth, nerd burger.

I think sometimes it's super hard to look out at the media and world around us and feel good about our outward opinion. Everywhere I turn I see Kim Kardashian going to the gym with a full face of makeup looking better than I do on a red carpet! It's hard on your girl heart- to always feel less than pretty.

That is why I was thrilled when legendary photographer Brad Elterman agreed to shoot me in Los Angeles. He is one of the most famous rock n roll photogs of all time, and I knew if anyone could catch a good side of me...it would be him.

Our day together was "cosmic" as he would say. Brad has amazing energy and was trying his best to convince me I was cool!! I guess what I learned from our shoot is that, the things that make you different are really the things that make you beautiful.

Check out this behind the scenes video & photos! Stay tuned for Brad's take on the photo shoot tomorrow and the full photos this Friday!

my AMA day!

2011-11-21T10:15:00.000-08:00

INSPIRATION FOR YOUR DAY:

One thing I learned last night, that I wanted to pass along is that we see all these stars, and think in our heads that they are so untouchable, or that they possess something so much more special then any of us have, or that they have a kind of beauty that we could never posses. The closer I get to these people the more I realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. Anyone can look that amazing with a glam squad, and anyone (yes even me) can walk on a red carpet in a cute dress if they have the right team behind them. So, the next time you look t an US weekly, or a People magazine and feel jealous that j.lo always has perfect hair, remember J.Lo can't go to the store in her sweatpants without makeup. EVER. She can never just be herself....she always has to be 'J.lo" yikes, that seems like ALOT of work! Be happy to be you!

You can check out my AMA outfit here!

twilight.

2011-11-15T12:36:00.000-08:00

last night I got to attend the Twilight Breaking Dawn premiere! I made videos and took pictures and if you want to see them click here.

2011-10-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a really long road this year.

It began with a shoe store and I spent the better part of a year crying hysterically all day long, followed by joyous phone calls to my besties to celebrate minor successes! I got a manager. I got a big fancy agent. I got a big fancy producer to ask to make my book a tv show. I got to meet a big A-list celeb to play me. Everything was going as planned and then...

My integrity stepped in.

Somewhere they decided to make my character a slut, (I tried not to take that personally.) They turned the Rockers into stock brokers and the foot tape into leg warmers and began creating a world I didn't recognize, and one that I know that you, my readers, would not care about or be inspired by at all.

So then, at a gas station while washing my beat up 2000 CRV and counting my last few dollar bills, I made my decision. I wasn't going to take something so real, authentic and un-apologetically transparent and turn it into a bright, shiny made for tv movie will beautiful, perfect girls and fake story lines. I walked away.

I then had some people say really nice things to me like, "No one cares about your book until you sell 1 million copies" "We are waiting to see about getting you a publishing deal until we see if the tv show sells"

The emails got shorter, the time between responses got longer and I once again became an unpopular blogger who wrote a book and published it herself.

I don't care if I never make a tv show. I don't care if all the "book snobs" of the world think my book sucks. I don't care if agents and people who make a living making books, don't want to take mine under their wing.

Most of the time I agree with them, hate myself, look at my writing and agree. It sucks.

But, then you email me, you tweet me, you write me. Your long winded late night confessionals about why, who and how your own heart broke. How this quote saved you. How this book helped you. How you have your own Dreamer. How your own Rocker left you.

And that is what matters. Last night I was sitting, letting tears run down my cheeks in an honest conversation about death. I am so scared to die. I don't know about souls, or where we go and nothingness haunts me. I do know this. If we die, and all we have are our souls, then we need to make every single decision with those souls. The human connection is the only THING that is really real guys. When we go to heaven we won't have eyes to see BMWs or hands to count dollar bills with. We will have our souls. That's all.

So, I am filling up my soul by giving the middle finger to everyone who doesn't think I can be a writer. I am putting out the second edition of Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom on my own because it's gonna fill up my soul (and maybe your soul), and that's what counts.

AND YOU ARE GONNA HELP ME?

Calling all artists. I need you all to create the cover art for RRR 2.0. I see the things you create on tumblr, twitter, weheartit and I know that you are the most brilliant artists in the world. Here is a gallery of my favorite book covers, please create and post in the comments your design for me- I will be picking the winner next week and you will receive credit, a free e-book copy of RRR 2.0, some sugar and bruno clothes, and an autographed poster of your work. You have until Friday Novemeber 4th, 2011 and must be 13 years or older to enter.

Thanks for helping me, believing in me, and fighting the good fight. xx

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

-It can be photoshop, drawing, graphics but you must own the right to all images used

-Must include the title "Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom" and by: Keltie Colleen

-Color or black and white

-Please no ballerinas

-No photos of my face (i'd prefer to not be on the cover this time)

-BE CREATIVE!

you have 2 weeks!

visit my buzznet page for a gallery of images I love + to enter!

2011-10-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

prescription for clarity:

1- try to develop a genuine appreciation for people by realizing the truth about them, they are all children of god, unique personalities and creative beings.

2- take the trouble to stop and think of the other persons feelings, viewpoints, desires, and needs, think more of what the other fellow wants and how he must feel.

3- act as if other people are important and treat them accordingly.

2011-10-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

new blog.

here.

about this.

2011-10-12T16:38:00.001-07:00

sometimes sadness can come over you in a wave
and your brain is just no match for your heart.
you should know better.

but a song
a smell
a photo

will take you right back.

And your happiness is ruin buy old hurt.

I hate old hurt.

The 'Oh shit" moment.

2011-10-11T10:22:00.001-07:00

I was in church last week + heard the most amazing speech. I cannot remember it exactly but it went something like this.

"Everyone always thinks they have it totally figured out. Who they love, who they hate, what is important, what they want, what they need, and how the world works, and their relationship with god until...

the 'oh shit moment'

The moment when the plane is crashing or the cancer is happening that changes everything. "

I have been living my life this year as one big "oh shit" moment. Focusing truly on the things that are 100% important and living my life as if the plane is crashing down. It's meant some big changes in my friends, life, structure and time but I'd rather do it now then when I crash.

rome day1.

2011-09-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am writing this as I take train by myself though inner italy, on route to my next stop on my 8 days here. It’s been amazing to be away from LA and the USA and everything normal and submerged in culture, beauty and a slow paced lifestyle.

I was eating dinner last night with my girlfriend that joined me for the first 3 days and we started talking about the things we love and what we would change.

I said that, although Los Angeles makes me want to collect things, I am always happiest when I am collecting memories.

She replied by saying “Driving a BMW is very nice, and I am sure it is fun, but it isn’t an experience, do not confuse the two”

I know we live in this culture that gives us one kind of pretty, one kind of success, one kind of rich and somehow we all become slaves to that status quo. It beats us down everyday making us feel like we are not good enough. That we do not matter unless we have lusted after “things.”

One day, at the end of your life, you will look back at all your years. I can guarantee you won’t marvel in all the hours you spent with perfect hair in your bmw.

Sometimes I spend so much time looking down at the ground, counting my imperfections in my head over and over, and rushing to get the the next part of my life that will somehow make sense that I forget that all my favorite moments are those in which I remember to look up.

If the sun is shining on me, and I can allow happiness into my heart- then I am the richest girl in town.

2011-09-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

i made a gallery of all the things I have learned that I wish I could have told myself at 20. totally worth a read this morning.

enjoy. xx

CLICK HERE FOR GALLERY

for the heartbroken + uninspired.

2011-09-03T13:05:00.001-07:00

emptied my "tape this to the fridge" folder on my mac + thought I would share it w/u -for the heartbroken + uninspired.

Click Here.

2011-09-01T16:23:00.001-07:00

sometimes, no matter how much time has passed, or whose feelings were hurt, a person will always have a very special place in your heart. Years take the edge of rejection. Years take the sadness out of "I can't." The world has an amazing way of giving you what you need, and not always what you want.

It's been years. I will always consider you a part of my life in NYC and a million things have changed but you will always feel like home to me.

shark day.

2011-08-28T15:17:00.001-07:00

This weekend I had a blast the shark night pool party. I realized that I am sort of a werid-o and I really enjoy marching to the beat of my own drum. I've been crafting a ton, and I made my flower halo for the party. Please check out the link to my gallery of photos~

things I learned at the pool party:

-hot tmz guy is hot in real life too.
-jeffery campbell lita's do not make good pool shoes.
-everyone has cellulite
-unless you are jennifer anniston or paula abdul you don't get to have your publicist act snotty to the press about interviews. You are the star of shark night, drop he tude chicks.
-a gay as a date never disappoints.
-when in doubt...lunge.

LINK TO PICTURES

2011-08-25T10:21:00.001-07:00

It is very hard to see ourselves for what we really are. Easy to complain. Easy to want more than we have.

Today I am going to attempt to teach myself again that you cannot have it all just because you think you deserve it.

You don't really deserve anything, you work for everything.

get to work!

living louder.

2011-08-23T19:11:00.001-07:00

a little musical story.

I once met a band of little boys. Those little boys signed a record deal, made a record, toured and never saw the success they deserved.

Then, no one knew what to do with them. So they wrote songs, for 3 years. Every song they turned in didn't sound like what the "safe" choice would have been, and so they were denied.

After a while, they had some break-ups, with managers and labels and I sat with my friends while they contemplated giving up totally. I decided that they might need some advice so I hooked them up with lunch with a guy i knew who was a music manager for a big company. They had lunch, and seemingly left even more defeated.

Eventually, that guy became their manager, they took all their own money and they made the record THEY believed in. The day it was released it took over the itunes charts without the help of a label, a fancy PR company or a million dollars. All they used was their songs and their amazing fanbase.

This is a story so inspiring, that it makes me cry. I will never forget this day. I will never forget what it feels like when the good guys win.

I am so proud.

If you haven't supported THE CAB by purchasing their record SYMPHONY SOLDIERS yet, please do.

2011-08-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend was amazing. i got to go to Canada and turn off the internet, cell phone and life for 5 days and just enjoy my friends and family. I had never been in a wedding before and it just changed my heart so much. When I live in LA everyday I start making subconscious lists of all the things I want. A bigger house, a nicer car, more work, more money, more hours in the day. With my friends in Canada this week, I felt so rich. It didn't matter, none of the things we get blasted with that are "important" matter. Love matters. Family matters. I feel so happy and full.

I love when the good overtakes the bad, even if it is just for fleeting minutes.

2011-08-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

If I had a penny for everytime you made me feel worthless, I'd be worth something by now.

2011-08-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I got the chance to go to the troubadour and watch Christina Perri play. 3 amazing things happened.

first, she was amazing, gave me a shout out before jar of hearts, and made me more proud then ever. running up to her after the show and hearing "hi, best friend, I miss you" was the best thing ever. What weird about when one of you friends becomes an overnight sensation, is that in order to be a sensation, they don't really have time to be around anymore. It's been a hard year for me that way. To get used to LA without CP living underneath me. Not having my #1 around everyday like before. But, I guess that friendships really are like relationships in that, you just have to love someone, through the good and the bad and the close and the far. It won't always feel awesome but I think that sometimes the love that friends share is so special and what might tear apart lovers can never mess with a friendship.

secondly, I saw Rocker last night. I cannot remember the last time I saw him. Maybe 8 years ago? I couldn't look him in the eye but it was so nice to hug him and meet his lovely wife. Weird, how sometimes everything ends up just where it should be. When i was with rocker I was CONVINCED that he was the guy for me, and seeing him and his wife last night, made it really clear to me that that just wasn't the case. They are perfect together.

The third thing that happened was that i realized that my "perfect together" was there too. When Cp played "arms" and swoon stuck his around me, I couldn't help but think of how cool it was gonna be when Christina sang it for us at our wedding. It's just the perfect song for our story. i am crazy. He is calm. And he loves me anyways. I try to run everyday. I cry over stupid things. I obsess and he just rolls right along thinking I am the cats meow.

The most perfect moment was when we got home and I rolled over and said "Isn't it gonna be so cool when CP plays Arms at our wedding?" and he answered "I was totally thinking about that when she played that too!"

Bottom line: everyone is perfect for somebody. But we are not always perfect for who we this we should be perfect for. Love will find you. In the places you are not looking. Love is gonna find the people who broke your heart too, and you should want that for them. We all deserve happiness and once you find your own "meant to be" you won't feel so horrible about your "not meant to be's" loving someone else. Trust me.

you put your arms around me and I'm home.

2011-08-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

this. just so much.

"you touch a wall and you break my heart"

thanks for nothing google.

2011-07-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

I just googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?”.

I'm not even sure what my dreams are anymore? I am seriously questioning if I ever loved dancing. I think I might have just been in love with the music I got to dance to. In love with the musicians that played that music. I loved writing and wanted to be a writer until I realized that most of the time people just want you to write for free, and that writing is actually a hobby. Like doing crafts. Or jogging.

I had known from a very young age what I wanted to be when I grew up. In 5th grade I can vividly remember spending an entire week in health class filling out paperwork and using my number 10 lead pencil to make teenie-tiny dash marks on a receipt shaped paper during "career week." I answered questions like “do you prefer to work alone or in groups?” My choices were a)some of the time, b) all of the time or c)never. Next question, “I enjoy problem solving” a)some of the time, b)always, c)never. I was deeply convinced that at the end of all of these questions that my teacher would whisk my paper away, run it through that insane automatic marking machine in the office and would come back with an announcement. Not only to me, but to my entire 5th grade class. While Andy was most suited to being a firefighter and Jill was going to be a nurse, the test had proved without a doubt that the only job meant for Keltie was, superstar.

Over my years growing up my intention to my future calling never got any clearer. In 11th grade when I was failing algebra and had to get a math tutor, I announced at the top of my lungs to my entire class, that "math was stupid and that I was never going to need to use the Pythagorean theorem because when I was going to be a star and I would just hire someone to use the Pythagorean theorem for me, if I ever needed it, which I wouldn’t because no one actually uses the Pythagorean theorem."

So, I never made a back up plan. Back up plans were for people who were going to fail. Back up plans were for people who were not going to be stars. Back up plans were for people who in the deepest part of there guts, hiding in a teenie tiny little corner was the littlest hint of doubt that they had what it took to make it. I had no doubt. I had no back up plan. I had ballet shoes. I had a yellow leotard. I had a black and white headshot. I was going to be a star.

Fast forward. In 6 months I will turn 30 years old. When I was 14 I was convinced that like most things in life like rules and limitations, aging would also not apply to me. I am currently alternating acne cream and wrinkle cream nightly. I found my first grey hair. I am driving a 2001 Black Honda CRV with locks that do not work and blood splatters on the roof (I didn't notice them until I had already bought the car.)I buy most of my clothing at forever 21, as if wearing a dress that has a label that says it could actually make being perpetually 21 happen. I rent. I don’t have health insurance. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a college degree. I don’t have a back up plan.

Last night I googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?” in hopes that the information superhighway that usually tells me everything would have the answer to this question. It didn't. It did however, know how to make a chocolate cake from scratch.

2011-07-18T21:43:00.001-07:00

dear followers.

Remember when you liked that guy in school and he didn’t even know you were alive? I am having a similar problem with a tv show. That show is So You Think You Can Dance Canada. I really want to be a guest judge, but they don’t know I am alive. If you agree with my 5 reasons they should consider me for guest judge please tweet the crap out of them. I can count on you army!

#1- That one time I was on the Cover of Dance Spirit Magazine (only 4 Canadians have ever done that)

#2- Danced for Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Fergie, Panic!, John Legend, Christina Perri + more.

#3- Grew up dancing in Canada + am Canadian.

#4- Radio City Rockette for 6 years. (one of 3 Canadians!)

#5-I really love dancing. It’s my soul. I would love to celebrate that love with my home and native land.

My soul thanks you in advance for helping me. Love, Keltie.

Tweet to @SYTYCDCanada

2011-07-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

I saw Midnight in Paris the other night. I have to admit it messed up my insides. People said that it made them happy and hopeful about love. I felt the opposite. It made me terribly sad.

I wrote this after I saw the show:

Paris for me, is the reminder of love. Paris is the city of love. It was impossible to not have the movie pull on your heart strings. Paris to me represents, the kind of love the seems more special because you know it won't ever last. It can't possibly last. Love like that only exists on short vacations to Paris and tiny little places in your mind. Somehow memory changes everything that was wrong, into everything that is right. I guess that is why the last person who broke your heart, will always be the one that messed you up the most. Our minds have this uncanny ability to rewrite everything that was. Fear turns into fearlessness. The end is the beginning. Lovers are never realists. We cannot ever see the truth with our hearts. We can only see what we want to see. Paris to me, isn't real. Paris represents every romantic moment of my life and how fleeting that "perfection" is.

2011-07-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

I think one of the greatest powers I possess is the power to be in bed in the morning, completely unsure if I can go on. Then somehow get up, smile, have "great energy" and continue on. No one who doesn't read this, or know me well would ever know how much I fight against my brain. The good news is, once and a while I create something that makes me like myself again, and this is one of those things. It's amazing how much good lighting and a skilled camera man can boost your confidence.

take a look at my behind the scenes video

2011-07-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I just googled "What I am supposed to do with my life?"

2011-07-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

I think the hardest thing ever is to simultaneously love yourself and completely hate yourself. To believe that there is something so special about yourself that all of this hard work will eventually turn into the life of your dreams and also be convinced that you deserve nothing of the sort.

I can't figure out which part of me to believe.

2011-07-01T17:00:00.001-07:00

i needed this sign in my life today.

2011-06-30T17:55:00.001-07:00

a year ago.

2011-06-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to people watch. I see so many bits of the old me. So many are all trying to make things that do not work, work. I used to be that girl. Making excuses. Over looking obvious red flags. Fighting. I would have never believed it but I seriously think that there is a perfect person who fits perfectly into everyone of our lives.
I always wondered how you are supposed to know when you meet the “one.” I am far from an expert at relationships and I am far from perfect. All the days I have known Swoon I have never had a fight with him. I’ve never raised my voice, wondered if we would last, wished for someone else, drove off in rage. None of it. I think love must be when your care and concern for someone else’s well being equals your own. A mutual respect for each others feelings. You don’t have to freak out or yell because you respect the other persons far too much to treat them that way. When I get angry and break into fits of hysterics swoon usually says “awww come here mamma” and just holds onto my girl-fit until I calm down. He calls this snuggling. I call it hormones. This year when I started to walk away from my dance life (which provided a pretty radical paycheck) and went into becoming an unknown writer (which left me with an almost non-existent paycheck) he never made me feel like less of a human. He just told me he would support me as long as I needed him to and that he believed in me. So easy. We talk about getting married everyday and I never break into hives. When we play doggie swap with my ex he shakes his hand and says things like “I could see us all being friends one day.” Who says that? He is more handsome everyday. Sometimes I go to the laundry basket and smell his old shirts because that smell makes me happy. I know! I’m seriously screwed right?! But maybe that is what love is. The tiny little things that make normal days better.

I know I am going on and on, but love is confusing to all of us, and I thought that in the brief instant that I think I might have it figured out wanted to share.

Don’t waste time trying to change those red flags, because you might be missing out on your perfect match! My biggest regret is that I spent much of my 20’s wasting time on boys that were wrong for me. Sure, I loved them. Sure, there were moments of fun. Sure, skinny jeans make me swoon.

True love feels better than all of that.
Trust me.

2011-06-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

In my life I had a godfather who was 6'6 and a deep-voiced, sort of intimidating farmer. He bought me my first roses. He used to tell me that "any boy who wanted me had to meet DA GODFATHER first". This past December when the girls from TWLOHA came to my house for a book party, he scared the crap out of them. Sometimes the things people do for you, stand out more than the words they say. He never said much. But, he was there for every single big day of mine. He bored people with stories of my adventures and when I showed up today in my 4 inch back heels, instead of cowboy boots, my mom told me "that is just the way he would have wanted you to be! Standing out from the crowd!"

Today we had the viewing of my godfather. I cried through the whole thing. I have so many memories of this amazing, sweet man. He was my biggest fan. Weird to be in a room of people and everyone knowing who you are because they've heard about your entire life.

I couldn't stop thinking about today was how we spend our entire lives collecting "things". We live in this insane commercial world where everything is for sale and our worth is determined by what we have surrounding us. My godfather passed away and now we must get rid of his cows, peacocks, shop, farm, cats, dog, even the turkey (who has been camped out on the hood of his pick-up truck waiting for him to get back) Everything must go. At the end of your life why did you work so hard to collect things? You should have been collecting memories.

LA has played a trick on me, it got me thinking that I am a less than person with my less than car and my second hand clothes. That I need a house with a pool. That I need fancy meals and fancy friends.

Today made me want to hug my parents, forgive my enemies, tell swoon I love every inch of his 6'5 self with all of my heart. It made me want to walk my dog, see the world, and relish in this awesome adventure called life. It did not make me want to drive a bmw. It didn't make me want to buy designer clothes. It did not make me want anything but to live my life completely full out and fearless.

People die. Unexpectedly.

So, start collecting love + memories and worry less about whatever new, hot thing that is being thrown in your face.

I know I am not making sense.
Just I love you.
I'm sad.
I wish I had the ability to tell people how much they mean to me before I can't say those things anymore.

ox

BUZZNET

2011-06-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

The amazingness that is Kate Cordova followed me around all day so that I could give Buzznet a peak into what my life is like. My life is Diet Coke, HOBO in the front seat, auditions, interviews, managers, and a million meetings about my book-turned-tv-series. BAN.AN.AS!!

I am passionate about so many things that sometimes it gets me in trouble. I never have enough time to do everything. I also have a very ginormas forehead which bugs me. I guess the thing no one ever tells you about having your dreams come true is how much work is involved. I need a nap! I am so excited about all the art I am creating and totally thankful that I get to live my dreams.

In part one: shopping for a dress for the Mr. Popper's Penguin Premiere, pick up a script from my manager, and trying diet coke with lime (yuck!)

CLICK RIGHT HERE to watch the video!

matt nathanson. le sigh.

2011-06-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

awwwwww crap.

i might be fake in love with the fake version of him I created in my head, again.

le sigh.

hey weird girl!

2011-06-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Your guts are your guts and when they talk to you, you should listen.

There are so few things in the world that are REALLY yours, your skin, your hair, your underwear. Most of us rent shelter, have car payments and eat food prepared by someone else. Really, your feelings have to be one of your most prized possessions.

Sometimes my feelings make me act like a whiny little baby.
Sometimes my feelings get me so high that I cannot help but skip, sing at the top of my lungs and drink 14 diet cokes in one day.

Feelings are hard to understand but I always try to remember this:

(IF I have had enough sleep...because me without sleep is the exception to this rule)

If there wasn't a reason to feel hurt, you wouldn't feel hurt.
If there wasn't a reason to feel weird, you wouldn't feel weird.

These questions should not be allowed:
"should I be feeling this way?"
"am I just being stupid?"

What you feel is really in essence, who you are. So, just know that whatever happiness or loneliness you are feeling right now is preparing you for something really important. We have to believe that. You kinda have to be able to look at life and acknowledge all the good stuff, all the messy stuff and all the weird stuff and somehow sort out that you still actually like yourself and that your entire life is not a tragic waste. There is no reason to ever feel "weird" because if you are feeling then you are living!

2011-06-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

In was reading “Don’t Sleep with your Drummer” by Jen Sincero last week and she had the best line. “ Being in denial is a lot harder when someone else has witnessed the truth” SO true right? I’ve been in that situation so many times. Especially in relationships. People would (most spagatti) tell me that someone was bad news and I would choose not to admit it. My guts knew it. The girls he had invited on the tour bus and impress with “she’s not my girlfriend” lines knew it. But, I wanted to stay in denial. It is a much safer place to stay. We work so hard to create these picture perfect magical lives and when they do not turn out the way we think they should, and after SO much work, it is really hard to throw in the towel and admit defeat. Sometimes for me, it was a mix of wanting things to work and not wanting to fail at something. It’s really hard to be bad at love. Movies and tv shows make love look pretty easy, most of my friends have found totally contented love that thrives. It is embarrassing to me to fail once, at anything. I failed more than two hands can hold at love. Sometimes, even when you know things are not working you do not want to admit defeat.

But Jenn is right.

You cannot deny something when everyone else has already seen the truth!

temporary bliss.

2011-06-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

someone once said to me. Do not fret, this is only temporary. I think this is the single best piece of advice I have gotten all year. I get so passionate and emotional so much of the time. Little insignificant things will fill up my Psyche and I will obsess over them until the point of tears. I swear if I have a nickel for all the times I was convinced the world was ending I would be driving a way sweeter car. I think myself into these bubbles and have a really hard time understanding that everything in life is only temporary.
The way we feel.
Our surroundings.
Our situations.

It really is a new day at each and every sunrise.

That friend that hates you right now.
That boy who has no idea you are alive.
That empty wallet of yours

Is only temporary! Doesn’t that make it so much better!?

Carpe the hell out of that diem!

2011-06-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes it seems like people who are mean, rude, and act out seem to win. I hate karma for working that way. we all have to believe that it is only temporary. everyone is watching them because they are pulling focus. no one is watching them act that way and then actually liking them. At the end of it all, are they really ahead?

no.

stay strong army. fight the good fight.

thanks universe.

2011-06-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

I started dancing when I was 3 years old. It was the only thing I really ever did growing up. I got to the point where I was supposed to decide what I was going to do with my life and it made sense to pick dancing. After all, I had worked for years at it. So, I forged out on this career and have fought tooth and nail for all of it. Every single day of my career have worked my butt off forcing fate.

Next story-
A few years ago I got my heart broken and I started writing. I just wrote because I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. Eventually, I finished writing and decided I would put out the book I had made. It all came from love. There was no tooth and nail. It was a very natural (*although sometimes heartbreaking) process. Eventually, the book ended up in the hands of some really nice people and since that day my job has been to go around and talk to people about my story, my heart and the things that make me tick. I don't have to wear padded bras or transform myself into "hotter" "more commerical" version of myself for these meetings. I usually roll into them in an old tee-shirt and my boots. I don't think that in this world I get to ever pop open the champange and celebrate but some really mind blowing, amazing things have happened in the past few months.

Here is my thought. Sometimes we need to sit back and realize that the things was WANT to make happen are not always our destiny. You can push and push and push, but the universe (god, the heavens- whatever you call it) has a pretty clear path mapped out for you. Sometimes we are trying so hard to make something happen that we pass by what it so naturally put in front of us.

I bet if you stopped crushing on that total jerkface there would be a nice guy around for you, just saying.
I bet if you just looked like you, and spoke your mind that people would listen.

Listen to what the universe is telling you!

meet my honeys, honeyhoney.

2011-06-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

I have very good news.

I cannot tell you that news so I have to tell you some other good news.

When you go see CP on tour this summer you will also get to see one of my favorite live bands ever, HoneyHoney. I met them last year at sxsw and have been a super fan ever since. They are insanely good humans + put on a drag down, sexy town show.

Get into it!

2011-06-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”

-The Notebook.

I used to think that love was about seeing someone you thought was delicious and then letting them know your insides and kissing and holding hands. I am sure all of that is true, but I now know that love is about waking up each day and making a choice to live for someone and to put effort into loving them. You have to show them that love and making the time to show them your heart, not just in the beginning, but everyday.

Love is about being close to someone when they are right, being selfless when they are wrong. Loving their ideals and what makes them tick. Loving the way a look from them can calm your constantly ragging guts.

Usually, at weddings when the bouquet toss happens I stand in the back avoiding being the person to catch it. I've always been afraid that it would end up in my hands.
Last night I stood in the front because I wanted it to be me.

I wanted to be next.
I wanted us to be true.
I want you.

2011-06-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

a million years could pass and that little house on the hill with you and her inside will never feel better in my guts. I could get married, get swept away, get his name, get the love I deserve and it still wouldn't be enough.

I wish that happiness could erase old hurt the way old hurt obliterates knowing better.

2011-06-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I was going to run.
swearsies.
I read this.
This morning I woke up so glad I had stayed.

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

— Bob Marley

New! New! New!

2011-06-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

I've been writing my tail off + couldn't be prouder that I can announce that I have officially finished the homework my mangers gave me. Tomorrow I am meeting with the amazing people who made 2 1/2 men (again) because they want me to meet the guy who wrote "Wonder Years". There are some things I wish were different sure, but instead of complaining I am reveling in the blessings my hard work have given me. Slowly, I am going to share bits and pieces + promise to keep you updated on what is happening. Thanks for hanging in with me. I love your guts.

New Work!

Every single night before I went to bed I would do three things in this order:

I would ice every single fiber of my body that was sore. First my feet and ankles, then my shoulders and lastly my hips. Twenty minutes each part.

Next, I would go to the bathroom and start tearing away the hockey tape I had used to cover my blisters all day. Once my feet were tape free I would sit on the toilet holding a tissue between my legs hoping to catch some of my magical foot salvation. I would then take the tissue I had just peed on and prop my feet up on the sink and carefully cover each of my blisters with my own urine. This I found was the magical cure for open sores. There was nothing that could heal a blister faster than this. Once the pee had semi-dried, I would hobble into bed. I slept with the urine on my feet all night long so that hopefully in the morning my feet would be slightly less raw and sore. There were so many things to worry about during rehearsals and there was absolutely no compassion given to blistered feet. It wasn’t
that we were going to be able to NOT get blisters, it was how many, which toe and were they infected yet? We had an entire team of physical therapists who treated our feet. I once had a blister that was so bad it would hang like a lip over the back on my tap shoe, when they finally took me to the doctor they lanced it off to reveal a nasty infection coming from the blister underneath that blister. Even my blisters were blistered.

The last thing I would do before I went to sleep at night would be to plan my escape. I would make a mental list of all of the reasons that I could pack up my bags and go away from all of this insane pressure. In my head I would make plans to take what was left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, Prince Rupert or Greenland and become a Starbucks barista. Sure they had to deal with people asking for triple venti skinny one shot mochas but at least they didn’t have to sleep with their own pee on their blistered feet.
I would plan to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I played out what it would feel like to show up at rehearsals late the next day and start yelling at people, just showing up without my tap shoes on and just start screaming all the ways that everything about this process ruined my soul. That there was no reason to be hard on us, couldn’t they see we were all trying so hard inside each moment! Did they know that at the end of the day we all had tears running down our cheeks? This was my childhood dream! I had missed out on proms, parties, and Friday nights my entire life for this! This was supposed to feel magical, like watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade on repeat! This was Christmas for heaven sake. We were ambassadors for the most wonderful time of the year! All the girls and even Santa himself would look at me in shock and awe and then band together and we would all run off to Greenland together, free from the pressures of getting exactly what we wanted and not wanting it at all.

But that never happened. Somewhere inside my fantastic escape plan I would find sleep. The next morning my alarm would ring. I would get up, put on my tights and tap shoes and become the lines fearless leader for another 8 hours.

-RRR 2.0

2011-05-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

Some my favorite people...

Jamie from TWLOHA
Swoon.
Elmo, Cp's drummer.

cute right?

2011-05-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today I heard a song line that went "everything is magical until it becomes routine".

So true right? 5 years ago I would have died to have the kind of week I had dancing with Beyonce!! Swoon drove all the way to vegas just to sit in the crowd an cheer me on! All good things right?

But it didn't feel magical. It just felt normal. That's how I feel in my heart too. So weird isn't it? To just want someone so normal for so long and then not be able to take anything from it because it feels so good all the time?

Falling in love is the single best feeling on the planet. You cannot get enough of someone. Your eyes twinkle when they meet eachothers. He's perfect. He's kind. He really cares about you. But for some reason I have such a hard time even appreciating that because my mind is set that all really good things should be really, really hard.

I think it is so pathetic that I feel the most alive + inspired when I am hurting.
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Guest blogger: Lucy Karahagopian !!

2011-05-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with someone today... a conversation I've previously had with the same person countless times. And although said person forgets what has been said the next day, i've realized that while trying to help her snap out of her depression I have helped myself to stop being such a douchebag.

So this person has lived her entire life being afraid of what other people might say. She has lived her life as the image of perfection on the outside, and a complete mess on the inside. 8 years ago something happened in her life, and even though it was something drastic that affected the lives of more than one person she still has not been able to let go. For the past 8 years she has been a workaholic and a very aggressive person who takes it all out on the people she loves.
She is an extraordinary person, but a martyr. She helps everyone around her but fails to see the good things that come to her and pushes them away.

The worst thing you can do is live by other people. Here's the thing, they're not the ones living your life. They're not going through your pain. They have no clue what goes on inside your head, or your home. People who have nothing better to do than discuss other people's lives are pretty much worthless and hence you should not even give them a second thought. When you do, you give them more chances to interfere with your own affairs and you let them get to you when you really shouldn't give a damn. At the end of the day it's your life. Live it. Do whatever you want, wear whatever makes you comfortable, go wherever you wanna go, blast the music and dance like a lunatic if it makes you happy.
If you do not let yourself be happy, no one is going to do it for you. So either take matters into your own hands or shut the hell u p and do not blame other people.

You know that saying that you should do good and not expect anything in return? Don't take it too seriously. What happens most of the time is that you do good over and over again, people get used to it and thats the fastest way of becoming a doormat. Do not give anyone the chance to abuse you. So yes, be good to people, help them if you can, but you do not have to sacrifice your happiness for people who do not appreciate it.
I understand sacrificing for people you love, and poeple who appreciate what you do. But giving up your own happiness and that of people who care about you for the sake of others who are just going to turn around and stab you in the back, that I don't get.
I am becoming a strong believer of the fact that the most important person in your life should be you. If you are not well enough to be able to take care of yourself and provide your own happiness then you will never be able to achieve anything and you will never be able to be of any help to people who truly need you. I've heard this several times from my best friend but have only started to realize how true it is.

The point of all this rambling is that YOU are the only person who can stand in your own way by choosing to be negative, by not giving yourself a chance, by constantly doubting yourself and by not caring enough for your own needs. Cut it out. Take a breath. Loosen up. Go do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Screw other people, screw society, screw everyone who's ever made you feel any less than amazing. YOU are phenomenal. Act like it.

more at http://deludedkitten.blogspot.com/

Lucy, I love this. there is a good chance I am printing this out and putting it up on my fridge, amazing. Thank you for sharing.

2011-05-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes I wonder why things happen. Why did I date singer? Why did he come in and out of my life. Sometimes the answer comes really quick, in a few days and sometimes it takes years. Apparently, Singer was in my life so that I could follow him around while he played in this band, and so I could become friends with Luke (the lead singer) and then after Singer left the band, continue to love Atomic Tom and continue to follow them around to all their shows.

And then one day the made a music video and asked me to choreograph + I said I would but I had to dance too.

You just never get to know what the universe has in store for you. Maybe it is a broken heart. Maybe it is a tittie pop.

what do you guys think?

messing with a broke...broke.

2011-05-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have been hiding out writing as many of my crazy NYC dancer stories down that I can think of. It's been really fun. I wanted to share this one!-KC

The next day I received a phone call from a casting director regarding a dance job I had applied for on one of endless streams of casting websites that I click, click, clicked every morning with my morning cup of green tea.
He was looking for the featured dancer for a music video that was shooting in Brooklyn the next day. He had seen my photos on my submission and wondered if I had any background in 1970’s go-go dancing. As a rule of thumb in my career- I had a background in everything, honestly I was at best a good dancer. But depending on who was on the other end of the casting phone call I would completely morph myself to having whatever skills they were looking for. You need someone who could do pointe work? I hadn’t touched my ballet shoes in almost 3 years, but I was still an expert who “almost” danced with the National Ballet of Canada, lie. You needed someone who could do lifts and partnering? I did one boy/girl jazz duet at dance competitions, so obviously that qualified me as a pas de deux expert, lie. Jobs for me were so few and far between that when landed on my lap, I had to do my best to be whatever it was that they needed. I didn’t care WHAT they wanted, I had to convince them that they wanted me.

So I did what I did best, I faked it till I made it. Almost instantly, I had studied fosse extensively and was very versed in all things with the 1970’s feel when really I was born in 1982. I had no idea what I was talking about. He seemed intrigued. He said that this was great and he said he would email me the address and information for the shoot and asked me to be there at 10 am the next day. I asked him about rehearsals and other dancers and he told me that I didn’t need to rehearse because I was going to be the only dancer. I couldn’t be more excited! I didn’t even have to audition. My very first official music video and it was a solo! When the email arrived I found out who I would be dancing for, Kayne West. This was many years before I would be dancing beside Taylor Swift and comforting her the night when the combination of these two stars on the MTV stage would cause an uproar. This was long before I knew what a golddigger was. I had no idea who this was. I call my mom.

“Mom! I booked a music video! I am going to be dancing for KAYNE (I pronounced it KA-IN-YEA) WEST”
“who is that?”
“I have no idea! It shoots tomorrow, amazing right!”
“yes!”

We celebrated my doing un-specified choreography in an unspecified music video for an artist I had never heard of like I had just won an Oscar.

The Next day I hopped on the subway and headed out to Brooklyn, when I arrived to the station, I treated myself to a cab ride from the station to the shoot. Mostly because I had no idea where I was, and also because I wanted to seem important when I arrived. When I did arrive in my cab, no one was outside to see me being important. I paid the cab driver and looked at the door with the numbers that matched my email. I started to seriously doubt that this was actually a job, there appeared to be no one inside. I knocked on the rusted, graffiti covered door and heard nothing. Finally after enough time had past for me to plan how I was going to tell my mom that the video had turned out to be nothing, the door opened. It was a dude with a headset. I told him I was a dancer in the video, he looked confused and told me to come with him. I followed him around the set while he asked every single person, "do you know where I put this dancer?" PUT THIS DANCER. It felt the same as if he was asking the crew where the dumpster for the trash was. This was not the glamorous version of my music video debut I had envisioned. Finally, the dude put me in a tiny little dressing room and told me to wait there. SO, I waited for what seemed like hours. Finally, the director found me. He introduced himself and brought me to set. He showed me a giant white shadow box and had me step inside. It was made of white paper and lit from behind so that when I was inside all the camera could see was my silhouette. It became clear why I had booked this job without an audition. It didn’t matter what I looked like, because you weren’t going to even see me. I was going to dance inside a box. I came out of the box and waited for shooting to start and watched a giant entourage of huge men surround a tiny little guy wearing a Letterman sweater. Apparently Kayne West had arrived. Once he got onto the sound stage the guy who had been standing in a giant bear costume for the last 45 mintues in the heavy stage lights moved out of the way and got out of the bear suit. Kayne put the suit on and it was time to shoot. Where the heck was I? I was Dancing in a box for a guy rapping while wearing a bear suit? Was this what showbiz was always going to feel like? Confusing and overwhelming?

This was the first time I could ever remember learning one of the lessons of my entire dance career. Dancers lived at the bottom of the showbiz pond. On top were the stars and somewhere down at the bottom with the silt and sludge were the dancers and production assistants. No one of set knew my name, brought me water, cared that I had been dancing full out in that tiny box completely overheating for the last 2 hours without a break. I was far too scared and overwhelmed to ask for anything I might have needed. In between takes I would just take deep breaths and pray that it would all be over soon. I was released from my box and nothing was ever said again to me. I walked around set and tried to find the man that I had spoken to on the phone, I asked everyone if they knew where we got paid. I told them I was told I would get $150 at the wrap of the shoot. No one seemed to know. When I finally did see phone call man he told me that he was so sorry but had forgotten to get cash to pay me, he took down my address and promised to send out a check tomorrow when everything calmed down. I agreed because I trust everyone, I am Canadian, I don't even lock my house. I learned that day the reason it is called show business. If it was going to be a good time and people were going to throw money at me after I completed a job it would be called, show fun.

Everyday for the next two weeks I ran to the mailbox to see if I had been paid. For me at the time a check for $150 was a tiny life of dance life salvation. The check never came. That day I learned the reason that Kayne’s “golddigger” wasn’t messing with a broke...broke. He kept that $150 for himself.

2011-05-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

You know how our favorite actresses, pop stars or icons all tend to at one point in their career, go seemingly mad? I used to think that was based on the fact that you have to be a little weird, unique and slightly out of your mind to want to be in show business.
The truth is that showbiz is one big illusion. An empty mirage. Showbiz is a world full of constant judgement and scaredy cat people. There is nothing real here because everything we make is make believe.

That being said. I am off the the 101 to have breakfast with my bestie because love and friendship are the only thing worth fighting for, I believe.

crying is okay here.

2011-05-05T15:00:00.001-07:00

everything single fiber of my being wants to give up today.

In my head within the last hour I made plans to take what is left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, prince rupert or Greenland and become a starbucks barista. I have made plans to drive my shitty suv off the edge of the highway because I am pretty sure the relief that I am aching for could come from the smash of all of me + all of my car. I have decided to start yelling at people, like just showing up at their office, house or via email and just start ragging on every single thing that I cannot control and want to be able to. I want to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I have already started by skipping pilates, auditions and meals.

It has been a very, very long time since I stood crying in the shower. I know you all know, that overwhelming, spinning sense of utter confusion at what to do next. Should I scream? Should I rinse my hair? Should I lay down?

It has been an even longer time since I thought about laying down on the floor and not getting up for days, because I might feel better in days. I know I am supposed to rejoice in all of the many blessings the universe has given me and the people I love, but if those blessings make it impossible to see your best friend, or the guy you love, are they even blessings? We are living as totally successful loners. Although, at this point I am more of the barely getting by loner. We have "the life" the big wigs, the vip passes and the names to drop but when does being busy and making your dreams come true become a curse? Why do we work so hard so we can have nice houses, cars and meals (I have none of those yet), if we never actually get to enjoy any of it. Swoon planted an entire garden for me a few weeks ago and I have been outside to see it 4 times.

every single fiber of my being wants to run very far away today.

But I can't move to greenland, lay on the floor or throw rocks at peoples houses.
Because that isn't what a fighter does. and WE, you and me, we are fighters. We are the good guys, we are supposed to win.

so, I'm gonna get up off this floor and I'm gonna do exactly what I said I would, and I'm gonna do it better than anyone else could. If I have to cry my eyes out every single day until something makes sense, I guess I am going to have to do that to. I am so sorry I haven't been better at connecting and inspiring you lately. I honestly, am just having such a hard time inspiring myself to keep going, that I don't have any extra inspiration left for you. Please forgive me. Please get up off the floor and fight with me, because I can't do this alone.

We can't give up.
I won't let you, if you don't let me.

guest blogger: Gretchen McCutchoen

2011-05-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

Everyday: Makeup, hair, fancy outifits. You know what I did today? I wore no makeup, I didn’t touch my hair, and I wore old sweats. It was like a glamour detox. Today, I felt perfectly happy in my own skin. (Even if it does have a few blemishes here and there!)

Sure I like that “fashion” stuff sometimes, but girls wear it to put on a facade it seems; to cover up who they are and the way they were born. They depend wearing on five pounds of foundation, 2hours worth of frying their hair with a flat iron, and the latest clothing trends before they can step out the door. A couple years ago I was like that too. I wouldn’t even go the grocery store without spending an hour primping beforehand! But this year, I realized that people who are even worth my affection, would like me for who I am on the inside, rather than the mask I wear on the outside. If someone only likes you for the way you look or the clothes you wear, NEWS FLASH: they don’t really like you. Remember the classic tale of Beauty and the Beast? Belle loved the beast because he turned out to be a wonderful person on the inside, no matter how menacing his looks were.

As it has been clearly established, I’m the world’s most hopeless romantic. The girls on tv and in the movies all look perfect, thin, and modelesque, and the boy always falls in love with the beautiful girl. Of course I want to be that beautiful girl that Prince Charming falls head-over-heels for. I’ve tried ALL the latest makeup tricks, new hairstyles, different clothes, losing weight, and anything that might make me more “beautiful”. However, every Prince Charming has a different vision for his princess, and every princess has a different vision for her Prince. Think about it, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, they will see you and love you even at your very worst and STILL think you’re perfect. I stopped trying to change who I was. I embraced what I wanted to wear, what I decided to eat, and what I considered beautiful. No need to try to be like everyone else. I was made the way I am for a reason, and so were you.

Try it, take off all the makeup. Don’t worry about your gorgeous locks. Wear whatever you want to, and Smile. Just detox yourself from any insecurities, worries, or self-hate. Try it. Brown hair, brown eyes, not skinny, and not modelesque, yet perfectly imperfect. It really opened my eyes up to what is really “beautiful” and that is being ME.
Inspiration of the day: “Remember all those days we spent trying to fit in with the cool kids? Look again, we are the cool kids.” ~from Keltie Colleen’s blog “High Kicks and High Hopes”

2011-05-01T18:53:00.001-07:00

Head on over to BUZZNET.com + enter my little contest. In the spirit of PROM I am giving away a dress from Bestey Johnson! The directions are over on buzznet but all you have to do is leave a comment saying the BEST EVER line to get someone to go to prom with you...

ie. "I am bendy, wanna go to prom?"

so... Go! Play! Join! Shop! Anyone can enter + it ends of Wed!

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

2011-04-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

I remember once being so heartbroken I couldn't get out of bed. More than once. When I look back at what I have learned about love, it really boils down to the fact that I never really loved myself. It seems pretty silly right? For a very long time, I very openly blamed a whole handful of other humans for the fact that they couldn't love me right. Although those people are not all together innocent, most of the blame landed on me. I came from a world of dance where perfection could never be reached. I would spend numerous hours each day of my life growing up picking myself apart in floor to ceiling mirrors. I've been pretty cruel to myself over the years. It is no wonder then, that I easily connected with other people who also were pretty cruel to me. It felt really right. I started to fight for recognition in my career and my relationships the same way, by pretending that everything was fine and never letting anyone see me cry. I could barely take care of myself, but I found it helpful to my heart to attempt to take care of others, almost obsessively.

I spend two years alone, working on my heart and out of the awesome abiss came swoon. I have never met a better human, or a better man. I get to spend my days with my best friend and someone I admire and look up to (and also, have to look up to, see video!)

It's May, and that calls for a home movie. I hope that you like it and feel inspired to find you own swoon one day...

2011-04-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

I know you don't want to read about happiness.

Happiness to anyone who isn't happy is likely vomit inducing. It was to me for a very long time. Lately I have found it both confusing and disappointing that it is far more artistic and interesting to be seriously depressed, than it is to be happy. So many good sad songs. I could search for images + quotes of desperation for hours, everything about happiness is in the shape of a daisy. boring.

Real happiness isn't like that. It isn't a sun shining, or a flower growing. Most likely, if you are like me, your tomato plant will be dying while you are your happiest. I think we live in a universe that is so challenging for us that when happiness or some sort of peace is upon us we spend those fleeting moments is complete fear of that happiness. I think I am happy! AHHHHHHH!!!! Hold on tight.

I kinda feel like, WHO DO I THINK I AM? Taking meetings with bigwigs, having them duel over who gets to play in my sandbox, being whisked away to the desert by a devilishly handsome swoon, daily letters of adoration from readers, a full jar of peanut butter, friends who have the mature ability to be both jealous of me, and happy for me at the same time (a quality I am not sure I possess), in the last 2 months having a little piece of my art be believed in by a swanky, high-powered manager who also happens to be slightly OCD and impatient like me, and a few bucks in my pocket.

My first instinct is always that at my next turn someone will find out that I am completely untalented fraud and that all of this will turn to dust, and I will be all alone again. I have to work hard everyday to love myself the way others seem to love me, it's nearly impossible. Having to walk into a room and explain the inner workings of my heart to strangers is close to hell for me. I get so stupidly nervous when i have to be myself. Why? because there is some gnarly ugly stuff inside me, and I've been able to hide behind that for nearly a decade in my dance career. Getting to walk in a room, smile, and dance around without really having to get to know anyone, or let anyone into my soul was a very safe choice. Smile. Tittie pop. get out.

With that safe choice, I have created a whole collection of pretty forgettable pieces of art. A few youtube videos, a collection of times I was the Blondie behind, beside and in front of a such-in-such star, some kicks where it was my job to blend in and be completely un-noticed. Now I am in a place where I am purging my entire soul into my work, in a very scary environment, and I am learning to be fearless with my words. Because I have been given to opportunity to create something timeless, inspiring and something that might inspire you, your friends, or even your kids to follow their dreams and be better, stronger, kinder humans. That is a job I do not take lightly.

I am not sure why i wrote this today. I guess I kinda wanted you to look at your goals and dreams and to not be so upset when they take a different twist + turn then you had planned (maybe since you were 9 like me). The universe knows where you belong, who you belong with, and what you are meant to create in your lifetime. You can be like me and fight that for many, many years...or you can close your eyes and absorb what the universe is trying to tell you.

No one ever wrote me a letter telling me how much my dancing changed their lives. I am pretty sure their are dancers out there who do receive those letters. I do however, on a daily basis receive letters about how these little words, and my little book have inspired you all to be better, live inspired and be careful with your hearts.

That's all the sign I need.
What is the universe trying to tell YOU?

2011-04-21T17:25:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,
I know it is guest blogging month, so I haven't been writing a ton but I felt compelled to write a little today.

A few years ago I laid in my bed in Queens crying my eyes out feeling the lowest of lows and seriously contemplating going downstairs and drinking the bottle of bleach under my sink. I felt like there was no reason to go on, and that the world was always going to be this muddled, backwards, non-karmic nightmare.

So, I started writing. You started reading. I fell and in and out of love. In and out of hate with myself. But most of what you were reading was a daily letter to myself to KEEP GOING. I am so happy it inspired you and touched you, but mostly I am so glad that I didn't drink the bleach that day, or any of the other days afterwards I have wanted to.

Sometimes I wish that when we were born we were given a map so that we could be semi-informed of where life's twists and turns might take us. I think it might be easier to navigate if we at least had a hint of where we might end up.

I just wanted to say, please do not give up. It is really easy to think that happiness and success and love look exactly like we pictured at 6 years old after watching wonder years re-runs, but I think real success isn't about bmw's or fancy shoes. Success to me is creating art with integrity and being able to pay my rent. I used to think that happiness existed inside the "cool" people or certainly inside of rooms that I was never being invited into, but I have figured out that happiness comes when you actually like yourself. Liking myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn.

And love, ah love. Love isn't a lovesong, or a picture that looks sweet, or a million people ooohhhing and ahhhhing over how cute you are together. Love is when someone stays up all night with you to help you practice being yourself, because you are so bad at letting people see the "real" you, that you actually have to prepare in order to speak about yourself.

Staying true to who you are and not letting the million pieces of who you should be that the universe throws at our eyes is one of the biggest challenges of our generation. I am so glad that we are all here together figuring out how to do that.

Guest Blogger: Tim Minor

2011-04-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

It's guest blogging month! Remember that in addition to this being an awesome way to connect to new and inspiring people+ blogger this is also a competition! The blogger who recieves the most direct hits to their blog here will win a giant box of cool stuff from my clothing line + a few other awesome sponsors! Make sure to post, re-post, tweet + facebook your favorite entries!

Spaghetti.

I went over to my neighbs late the other night. My brother decided to wake her up by pounding on her bedroom window and scaring her out of her sheets. Probably terrifying, but funny at the same time. I walked in and asked her if she had anything for me to put in my stomach. She said Ms. Rowdy had made spaghetti that night and it was the worst thing she had ever tasted. In her words, it tasted 'like fart'. Out of curiuosity, I had to taste this recipe. I'm kind of a rat when it comes to food anyway; even if it literally tasted like fart, I would have still ate it because its free.

I laughed at her remark but had to ask her if she told Rowdy it was horrible.

"Oh, no. I just said I wasn't that hungry. I didn't want to hurt her feelings or nothing, I mean, everyone else said they liked it... "

In unison, my brother and I looked at each other, chuckled and said

" Or at least they said they liked it."

I tasted it. I ate a bunch of it actually. And I'll admit, it wasn't awesome or something I'd recommend to anyone else. But it wasn't gag worthy or disgusting necessarily, it just wasn't seasoned right. Regardless, Rowdy left that night thinking she made dinner for her friends and that they loved it. When really, the truth was hidden behind the rest of soon-to-be thrown out left overs in the fridge afterwards.

I have an honesty complex. I call it a complex because I've began to realize how rare brutal, blunt honesty is to come across. And for me, its a must in order get some sort of objectivity to grow from. But I've found it easier for people to blatantly lie to someones face- about their choice of hair color, wardrobe, music taste, etc- instead of telling them the truth and letting them know that "no, that shirt does not match those shoes" or "no, that color does not look good on you" or "no, that music makes me want to stab my ears." I understand being sensitive. I understand being considerate. I understand fear of conflict and whatever else but what I dont get is why its so hard for someone to just simply say how they feel and put it on the table. Lay it out, and dont make it insulting or hurtful but just... real.

I need that real. I need that level of criticism and nothing less. Fighting this good fight is... a fight. Its not easy. Its not a walk in the park. Its an obsticle course. You have to jump around cliches and avoid generic topics and continually pace yourself to keep your identity and a unique voice. And when I read my work to people, or recieve responses from people about my work... its becomes almost scripted; they are going to say "Man, that was awesome. Good stuff!" or "Yeah, that was really good" and that shit never propells my artistic development. It just makes my writing plateau. I feel like "Thank you" has about as much substance behind it as "hello" or "how are you" when I say it now; its lowered itself from a sincere level of humbling appreciation to boring, repetitive small talk.

Maybe its insecurity that drives this need. Maybe the truth is that some of what I write is actually 'good stuff' and I'm just really bad at taking compliments. But I can't help but think that sometimes, when I leave the room, that the people who read my work or hear me perform tell others it tasted like fart. And personally, I WANT TO HEAR THAT STUFF! I dont want these candy coated responses. Even if I do write or perform or say something awesome, I would almost prefer to recieve a " That was good but I think you should.... (blank)". Give me a building block. Give me an obsticle to maneuver around or something to push me higher.

I dont want to be intimidating. I dont want artists to approach me to do projects and accept every idea I spew out as being right or usable. I want to be rejected. I want to be told 'that just sucks'. I want you to break me down so I can grow and become a better me. Challenge me. Shove my face into my mistakes and my short comings. I am a flaw. Personified and breathing so

dont let me think I'm anything more than a work in progress.

Links for Tim:
kineticaffect.com
http://stitchedupstillrunningwithscissors.blogspot.com

and in the end you'll have your best friend.

2011-04-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

This is the kind of song that if you have recently had your heart broken, you might think is the worst song known, ever.

This is the kind of song that if you are madly, sweetly, blindingly, passionately, head over tap shoes in love, might send giant smile from heart to lips.

Sometimes I look back to times in 2005, 2006, 2009 and wonder how I could have been so low, how I could have let someone hurt me so badly, just how badly a heart can break. But I wouldn't trade it in, although, I wish I knew know what I knew then (cliche alert!) It is so easy to say you are in love. After days, weeks, one magical date, one magical kiss- but I am pretty sure that love, real love, involves two people laying in bed together for the first time in busy weeks and confessing their hope to die first, knowing that many years from now, even if they love eachother endlessly, with all that they have- at some point their heart will be empty.

I have also walked through the fire enough to know that some sort of giant let down is at the end of this tunnel of love. Maybe another broken heart, or maybe we last for what feels like forever and...he dies first.

Nothing is forever, so you better love him or her with every heartbeat you have right now.

I do.

2011-04-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've moved down the street to Tumblr.

Come on over for a cup of tea!

Guest blog: alysen lauridsen

2011-04-11T03:49:00.001-07:00

Guest Blog: alysen lauridsen!

What’s the point of having a future when you don’t live in the present? I know there’s that lame saying about everyday being a miracle which is why it’s the present… and as accurate as that may be, it just sounds weird. BUT ANYWAY.

If you don’t live in today, you’re going to miss it. You’re going to find yourself sitting in an unfamiliar apartment, wondering “how the hell did I get here… and more importantly, what did I have for lunch yesterday?” Turns out, that apartment is your apartment. You spent the last two months moving in and unpacking in an LA filled daze. (and for the record, you had PB&J yesterday). The details may seem trivial, but what happens if you don’t live to see tomorrow? Your life will be filled with hopes and dreams, but nothing accomplished.

That’s also bad.

It’s great to have hopes and goals and dreams, but you have to remember that now is now, and it’s only going to happen once. There aren’t any do-overs, and there definitely isn’t a rewind button.

Sometimes, you just have to take a break. Grab a mug of green tea, your favorite book, those cute raybans that you had to have, and enjoy the sunshine and just take a minute to smell the roses. You don’t know how long they’ll be there.

xo aly

my blog is http://www.wewillberemembered.blogspot.com/

my twitter is http://www.twitter.com/mynameisalysen
#guest blogger keltie colleen

Guest blogger: Abbie Reetz

2011-04-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

It's guest blogging month! Remember that in addition to this being an awesome way to connect to new and inspiring people+ blogger this is also a competition! The blogger who recieves the most direct hits to their blog here will win a giant box of cool stuff from my clothing line + a few other awesome sponsors! Make sure to post, re-post, tweet + facebook your favorite entries!

Introducing: Abbie Reetz!

I’m Abbie. I’m currently a college sophomore in a small town somewhere in the Midwestern United States. I wish I could live in a Harry Potter book, love all things chocolate, and swoon over anything acoustic.

I also have a secret power. Well, two secret powers. Streetlights have a tendency to turn off as I walk under them, so my friends believe I can manipulate light, but that isn’t the important one. I have a secret talent for attracting perfectly nice guys that I’m just not interested in. During my first two months at college, I got hit on by someone new just about every week, which is ridiculous because that was more than the total number of guys who hit on me in all four years of high school. It got to the overwhelming point that I even made a list of Secrets To Charming Boys (Especially The Kind You’re Not Interested In). (link: http://abbie-turned-normal.blogspot.com/2010/09/secret-to-charming-boys-especially-kind.html

Because of these experiences, I have come up with a list of Things Not To Do If You Like Someone. Because no one wants the person they like to refer to them as “That creepy guy/girl.”

Things Not To Do If You Like Someone:

1.) Assume one conversation means you are in a relationship. I know when you get swept up in the new, happy feelings of being in like with someone, you can get kind of carried away. But don’t think that one late-night Facebook chat with your future soul-mate means that…well…they’re your soul-mate. Even if you have a great conversation, it is not permission to stalk them, text them 24/7, or start PhotoShopping your pictures together to figure out what your future kids will look like.

2.) Ask them out, regardless of the current circumstances. If you like someone and you’ve been hanging out and they’ve been giving you that “I’m-into-you-please-love-me” vibe, ask them out. Go for it. Why not? Just pick your timing carefully. Try to avoid times when they are rushed or with other people. One guy I met decided to ask me out after we’d been hanging out for a week. He wasn’t a bad guy, but he asked me while I was rushing to prepare for a soccer game. And my roommate was sitting two feet away. And he prefaced the whole thing by saying, “This is going to be awkward with your roommate right there, but…” which obviously just made it more awkward. My response was “Maybe”, which leads me to how you shouldn’t…

3.) Get mad at them for their answer. I gave him a “Maybe” because I had no time to think and I honestly didn’t know him that well. He was not happy. He sent me angry text after angry text telling me how he put his feelings on the line and how I just stomped all over them and how he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to just jump into a relationship with a near-stranger. The whole thing was loaded with immaturity. So, if you don’t get the answer you want, be gracious. If they give you a maybe, hear them out and try to do what you can to make them change their mind. If they give you a no, be respectful and back off.

4.) Tell them how your friends think you’re perfect for each other. Because nothing is quite as off-putting as knowing that someone’s entire collection of friends knows enough about you to judge how great of a match you would be when you’ve never even met any of them.

5.) Never make a move. Nothing is quite as frustrating as when someone is super flirty with you and you kind of like them, but they never give you any reason to think that they want anything more than just to flirt (and consequentially mess with your head). Unless you’re into the whole playing-games-with-someone thing, let them know that you’re interested. There’s no reason not to.

Pretty much, just don’t do things that would freak you out or bother you if someone were doing them to you. Which makes sense. That whole “Golden Rule” thing applies to a lot. I mean, you wouldn’t want anyone to think you were a creep, so you don’t act like a creep. You wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re a chainsaw murderer, so you leave your chainsaw and hockey mask in your garage instead of carrying/wearing them around all the time. It’s just common sense!

For anyone who’s curious, eventually one of the nice guys who liked me convinced me that he was worth my time (after I gave him a “Maybe” and he said, “I can handle that,” and proceeded to be the sweetest boy ever) and we’ve been dating for the past five months.

Blog: http://abbie-turned-normal.blogspot.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/dear__abbie (dear__abbie)

Guest Blogger: Kaitlyn Wilhite

2011-04-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome to HighKicks+Highhopes Guest blogging month! Remember that in addition to this being an awesome way to connect to new and inspiring people+ blogger this is also a competition! The blogger who recieves the most direct hits to their blog here will win a giant box of cool stuff from my clothing line + a few other awesome sponsors! Make sure to post, re-post, tweet + facebook your favorite entries!

Congrats to my first awesome blogger!
Kaitlyn Wilhite
http://kaitlyn-lifeinashoe.blogspot.com/

Sometimes in life I think we all get so selfish. We feel like in order to give we must get something in return. When I walk onto a big black marlee floor and leave my heart there unplugged and abandoned, I expect to feel something. I expect the earth to stop for a moment and renew my fire. Truth is, since I left California in August, I can count on one hand the amount of times that dancing has made me feel something. I've gotten really frustrated, and heartbroken. It's like the worst break up of my life. I. Just. Want. To. FEEL. Something, anything. I'm fighting with my dancer self. I can't make eye contact with her in the mirror. I can't set her free like normal. The love of my life (dance) isn't making me feel anything anymore. But isn't that how true love works? If you can fall in love, you can fall out of love. Which is why I don't believe love is something you fall into. Love is something you throw your entire human self at, and choose over and over again every single day. So, regardless of the fact that I don't feel like I'm getting what I need from my dancing self right now, I'm going to continue to throw myself at it, everyday.

This is the perfect generation for dreamers and I'm so blessed to be a part of it. I mean, how many other times in history has the starving artist been as stable as the college graduate. No one expects me to get a degree and be a school teacher, a nurse, a politician or any other really cool grown up job. Turns out those kids are also applying to sell sweet tea at Chic Filet. I live in a generation that gets to go for it, because really, what else can you do? It's not money, or stability you are after, because that's all stupidly unstable these days.-- It's happiness. So for goodness sake go out and do what makes you feel alive. That's what we all really need, to be alive little beings who do more than eat, work, sleep and repeat.

I'm having to make some tough decisions about work next year. It's really been getting me down because once again it seems the universe is being a tid bit stubborn about letting me make everyone happy. I've been all glum and blue, and pouty. Then it hit me, remember when your parents told you that you needed to finish your dinner because there were starving kids in third world countries?...I guess I missed this because I was stuffin those last 2.5 green beans into my very full tummy but Im pretty sure that the real moral of the story is to love what you have. You see, I have people offering me money to do what I love. Woah, somebody smack me! Really Kaitlyn?...Now, don't get too excited but here is the surprise spoiler ending to my book, SHHHH...don't tell. The conclusion to my book is going to be a chapter called "You know you're a blessed mess when..."--and fact of the matter is, it's going to be longer than all of the other chapters combined.

At the end of a very very long, unecessary day, as I sit in my crappy shirt, stuffing York mints in my mouth and counting down the minutes until a new day begins I'm going to realize I am one majorly blessed little mess. I'm thankful for the air I'm breathing right now. The heart that is still pumping blood. The feet I have to dance. The lack of logic I have that allows for HUGE dreams. The possibility of seeing the sunrise again tomorrow. I mean, let's be real...even after all the small defeats I felt today, and all the 'epic fail' kind of days that await me, I am beyond blessed. I get to come home to a man that loves me more than he should. After he hugs me, wipes my tears and brings me back to a healthy non emotional woman perspective...I can walk into a studio with him, say nothing and just dance. For hours. and Hours. and Hours. Until I can't breath anymore. Until the problems that overwhelmed me prior are smaller than ants. Last I checked, that's a pretty big dream all in itself.

Ps. remember to "like" this blog on bloglovin'

2011-04-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes I find it very difficult to see people who are known to be cruel to others get ahead in life. what a bummer. sometimes I question Karma a little.

Advice post:

what should go through your mind when someone says something purposely hurtful and cruel to you?

someone who would speak to anyone that way is obviously someone whose opinion is not worth anything. Because anyone respectable would never say anything that nasty int he first place. Yelling, screaming, pick fights, leaving rude comments, sending hurtful tweets or taking out your self-hatred on someone else has no grace and is VERY revealing of them.

And because of that...you do not have to take it in.

my so called life.

2011-03-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

On friday I had a little incident with a landslide. More on that later.

In more exciting news I woke up to a phone call from one if the directors of HOUSE MD. So weird to not be begging people to like my work, I cannot really actually even digest it yet. He said many epic things, but the one that stuck with me was, I think the theme of your story is "hope goes a long way". Isn't that just gorgeous? So true. I have lived the better part of my life, wishing, hoping for whatever that next thing is. In between all of that I have been convinced that I am a talentless, idiot. Isn't that the struggle of life? Waking up each morning and knowing that 90% of the world is going to try to beat the crap out of your confidence all day long so that they can feel slightly better about themselves, it is just a vicious cycle, we all just keep doing it to eachother. I think over the past few years I have grown a deliciously thick skin, rarely does the world know me down to a lowest low anymore with their cruel thoughts. But you know what you simply can't get away from? Yourself.

Ugh. Wake up, look in the mirror. I hate my damn skin. Why Am i so pale? Why is my hair always a mess? Get in the shower. Why does my belly always look like a food baby is inside? I need a pedicure. My feet are awful. My boobs are pathetic. My arms have too many moles. Get out of shower. Get dressed. Why can't I be 6 feet tall? Why does this not look good? I hate my butt. I hate my boobs (again). I hate this shirt. Why did I think wearing this shirt would be a good idea. Why do I even own a star wars T-shirt? I hate star wars. Why did culture make me thing that I might like myself more if I wore this, and place it in front of me. I hate this shirt. I hate star wars. I hate myself. Makeup time. Mom says my eyebrows are to fat. I like them. But why do they grow so fast! I hate my nose. I hate my skin. I need concealer. more concealer. and finally more concealer. I hate my eyelashes. How the hell do the kardashians always look good? I hate my face. I hate myself. I hate everyone.

It is so hard to see the good in things when we can only see the bad in ourselves.

"Angela: Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me."-my so called life.

losing your mind for the sake of your heart.

2011-03-22T16:14:00.001-07:00

well,

I realize my blogging skills have been less than stellar lately, so thanks for sticking it out with me. A few things have been putting a block in my writing mind frame, one of them is that I am using all my brain thoughts to write the most epic treatment of all time for what might just (with a bunch of hard work, and a certain amount of luck) the best new tv show in the universe. The problem is of course, that I am trying to sum up a book into two pages, a life into two pages and a message into those two pages too...how do people do that?

How do we simplify the complex structure of our hearts and dreams? It is proving to be pretty difficult. Le Sigh.

Heard I was getting some flack on the inter webs for quoting some band lyrics.

Bottom line, we are what we do with our once in a lifetime chances. I cannot stand people who have no idea of just how lucky they are. I know what I did with my life after that break-up and I cannot hide that I am proud of my former friends for picking up their own pieces, in whatever place they wanted to and the moving on. Making art, for the most part should be really wonderful, because what is the point of all the rejection, false friends and bullshit if you are not getting to create things you are really proud of?

I am pretty sure that there was nothing more magical than being in the room with that dreamer as he wrote music. I was there once, I felt that magic. Even though years later most of the time my thoughts go to "what was i thinking?!" There were a whole bunch of other people that got to become addicted to that brilliance too, but to be honest, there was nothing worse than being the the room with him the rest of the time. I have never met a better liar. I cannot help but feel a little hopeful to those of us who survived and decided that we would let the people who wanted to sink ships, sink themselves and not us! To me, records, time stamps and weddings are just signs of what I knew all along, people are only as important as the importance we place upon them.

Most humans, myself included are pretty dull beings, but we seem to place some sort of godlike standard on some "special" people. Then we are disappointed when we are disappointed with them? That's not fair, people are just people. It is our own job to make sure that our own hearts are taken care of and we are living our own lives, and not in some dream world we created in our minds.

That guy you like, he is only cool because you like him. If you didn't he would just be some dude you avoid eye contact with on the street.
Same with whatever shirt, shoes, car or other consumer item that you are constantly lusting after, your lust is what makes it gorgeous.

There is so much space between acting crazy and losing your mind.
Some of us are better that it than others.

Ps. Because I feel pretty bad for being MIA this week, I went and made an epic sale. $20 wild hearts tees + $20 lace shorts at keltiecolleendance.com. Please accept my "sorry" with some fierce shiz!

Christina Perri "arms" .

2011-03-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hello Army.
Today Christina's new single "Arms" came out. I kinda sorta love it. Why? because Cp + I share a similar problem. We have a very hard time letting people love us.

Call it a scar. Call it a past. Call it holding back.

Falling in love is pretty easy. I fall in love on a daily basis. With the babe at the store. The character in the book I am reading. The voice of Matt Nathanson. It is pretty easy to jump, skip and yell about how amazing the person who has pumped new blood into your heart is! "he's the one!", "this is it!" "best guy ever!"

But,

Loving someone is really hard. It involves a heck of alot of trust, courage and fearlessness. It involves giving away parts of you and being unsure if you will ever see them again. It involves looking at the big picture, the long haul, and some gnarly heart stuff. It involves loving someones flaws and letting them see our own. You know those days when you want to give up on everything, well, you can't anymore, because someone Else's heart is involved. That, my darlings, is not only brave on your own hearts side, but an incredible responsibility to someone else's heart.

I've had my heart beaten and beaten enough hearts in the past to know both sides of love.

I was chatting with CP at the 101 yesterday + talking about what makes swoon so special. I think it is that with him, there is no instant gratification. Is my life infinitely better each day with him in it? yes. But when I look at Swoon I don't see tomorrow, or next month, or what cool thing he has going on this spring- I see him in a forever kind of way. I see him and I when we are very old. I see him with me in 10 years. It is a very scary, safe place. When you look at your heart and see the big picture is it so wonderful. The challenge is just letting yourself be brave enough to see it that way.

Because even with all the love he gives me, I spent last thursday night crying while he was at the gym, sure that he was out with another girl. When he arrived home, sweaty and tired, through my hysterics I explained to him where all these scars came from- he sat with me and allowed me to look through his phone, at each and every message...

Because I am sure that I cannot trust anyone, and he is sure to prove me wrong.

I hope you can see right through my walls.

the ballad of what taylor swift, madonna, the beatles + every other awesome-saucer in the world has gone through.

2011-03-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

i promise you will be ok.
this is the "give up point"
the point where most people walk away from their dreams when it gets gut-wrenching hard.
I have been there many times my darling,
and the secret is not to walk away.
just stay.
the universe has a plan
i swear.

stop.

2011-03-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Sitting listening to "lovestrong" by Christina Perri all the way through. Benefit of being in the circle of trust. It's amazing. I am so inspired.

I got some good advice advice today that I wanted to pass on.

Just Stop.

I know. Easy right? Seems that way. I think sometimes we get so used to seeing things and reacting to things based on what we see through our tiny little personal lenses. But, think for a minute ALL the millions, gazillions of things that make up one person. Think of all the things that YOU have been through that effect the way you think and feel. It's very personal. There just is no black and white when it comes to feelings. We get in trouble when we hear or see something we do not like, and then instantly throw our reaction back out into the world (this is the stuff that makes up 99% of reality television) without STOPPING.

I guarantee if you stop for a second and look through the bigger lens for the bigger picture, you will react differently. After all, we are all fighting the same fight. Trying to keep our heads above water, have people like us, survive and actually enjoy ourselves.

Contrary to what your tiny lens might try to make you believe, people are not out to get you, hurt you, or upset you in any way (most of the time, and if they are then to heck with them!) People are just trying to do the things they have to do in order to make sure all of their own realities are in sync.

So the next time something upsets you, confuses you or hurts you.

STOP.

Look at life through the wide lens.

I can honestly say, anytime I have ever given an instant reaction to ANYTHING I have always regretted it.

Stop.
Breathe.
Repeat.

you just never know.

2011-03-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time I spent alot of time on a tour bus with a really cool director.
Once upon a time I had a favorite band in Brooklyn + used to go see them with 5 other people when they played tiny shows.
Once upon a time I used to have a friend who posted epic songs to youtube + we drank milkshakes at the 101.

During all of those times, I was reaching, searching, longing for my "career" to take off. I had dreams of janet jackson. I went to auditions and parties and meetings and tried so hard to catch the eye of someone so that I would have a shot at using my talent for someone/something "cool".

This week that really cool director asked me choreograph a magical video for one of my favorite artists.

This week that band (after blowing up) asked me to choreograph their very first official music video.

This week that friend started planning her music video for her first single off of what I am pretty sure will be one of the most talked about albums of 2011, and she asked me to be a part of it.

Here is my thought for you today. Remember all those days we spent trying to fit in with the cool kids? Look again, we are the cool kids.

you make my heart. beat. faster.

2011-03-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

Dear, girls who are attacted to assholes:

Seriously, as a recovering addict of the never calls, the liars, the "i'm busy right now", the "oops I forgot your birthday/name/phone number", the ones who are so "artistic" you think they just love you in a super artistic way, maybe by osmosis where they don't actually have to be "nice" to you, they just have to promise to be nice to you and that is enough. To the girls that are addicted to the ones who run, the ones who cheat, the ones who disappear, the ones who flirt (with other girls) the ones who sleep (with other girls) the ones who make you feel like you are worthless/not pretty enough/ or are really REALLY lucky to have them + should put up with whatever bullcrap platter they are serving...

Do yourself a HUGE favor. Stop. Right now. Stop obsessing over these idiots. Anyone who doesn't have any idea how to treat a human being with respect certainly cannot be ready to treat your heart with the extra loving care that it needs.

Anyone who cannot see how unbelievably lucky they are to have you, and spends everyday of their life making YOUR life better by telling you that you are stunning, talented, not as bad of a cook as you think- is NOT worth it.

You are dying. Yup, you are. I am too. We all are, and I betcha on your death bed when you are looking back at your life you will seriously regret all those hours you wasted stalking someone who has no idea you are alive, on the internet or from inside your car during drive-bys (you creep!) Obsessing if his new girlfriend/previous girlfriend is prettier/more talented/has better clothes than you is a waste of time. We all know that no matter what he is doing now, it is no where CLOSE to as awesome as being your main squeeze, why? because you are the most gorgini woman on the planet. Even your once a month menstal zit is cute. You have the best heart and you love with all of it, and only a very VERY special creature is deserving of this love.

Stop wasting your time trying to be the girl that you think he wants. If he is made of boy material he most likely has no idea what he wants.

Just go with me for a second, and take a look around, see that guy over there, the one who isn't the most popular, isn't the one that "every" girl wants (even though they should because he is awesomesauce) the one that is really nice to you, has the balls to take you out on a proper date and remembers the little things you say in passing that you cannot even remember that you said (ie. I cannot sleep with closet doors open). You have most likely been friends with this guy for a long time. Maybe you went out once and then he was soooo nice to you, it felt completely alien so you ran the other direction back into the arms of boy who had no idea what he wanted/treated you like garbage.

Take it from me, a girl with more heart stories that any one person should have.
If you end up with the nice guy, your life will be really nice. '

Swoon makes me believe in the good guys + is so gorgeous that sometimes I can't believe I get to date such an U B E R H O T T I E.

2011-02-27T21:23:00.000-08:00

Nothing about life is forever. A bad haircut will grow out. That huge zit will go away. The fight with your friend will end. French class, pilates class or whatever else your are dreading will be over soon. The seconds that you cannot breath because he is standing beside you and he is oh so lovely, and you are sure that their isn't a more perfect male specimen on the planet will one day turn into light night pillow-fights and open mouth food chewing. The days that you think you can not go on, will go on. The emptiness will become full. The dark will lighten.

and on the days when you feel so very alone, and you are convinced that no one understands what you are going through.

trust me.
I was there on sept.23rd of 2005 and have been there many times since.
I understand.
and we are in this together.

please don't stand so close to me. I'm having trouble breathing.

2011-02-25T19:35:00.000-08:00

call it anything but love
and I will...

make sure to keep my distance.
Say i love you
when you're not listening.

do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run.

"the world doesn't know what to do with visionaries like you, keltie."

2011-02-23T21:58:00.001-08:00

just take a second and breathe.

you might not look the way you want.
you might not have all the things you want.
people might not believe in you the way you wish they would.
he might not love you the way you wish he would.

but you are alive.
you are here for a reason.
the streetlights are going to turn on tonight.
eventually you will fall asleep
(even if it is after hours and hours of tossing and turning)
and tomorrow is another day where peoples words could
break your heart or change your life.
and you just never know which one it is going to be.

believe in your path.
even when it gives you every reason not to.

text message: a love story.

2011-02-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

In my entire adult life I have dated 2.1 people who lived in the same city as me. I do not count "singer" because he lived in the East Village while I lived in Queens, and anyone who has taken a ride on the E train under the river in the middle of winter knows that Queens is a different city (or a different planet depending on the condition of your mind).

There was a skinny rocker in Philly. Another in Vegas, which I actually shared an address with once upon a time, although when dealing with the musician type, sharing an address means alot less time sharing a bed then one would think. I suppose that is why I found my self living at another address shortly after that...

I once flew a fella across the country to have a first date with me. (insert pathetic version of keltie here) We met once, and had enough mutual friends on facebook that in my darkest, loneliest moments somehow convinced myself based on his "likes" + charming self-taken bathroom photos in his profile that we were somehow meant to be closer, we weren't.

I dated a very tattoo covered fella name Cole for the blink of a second last year who lived in Venice, which doesn't count either since if I needed to mail him a letter (mostly an apology for falling so deeply in love with the idea of falling deeply in love and basing that decision solely on out joint love of Mexican food) I would have to POST that letter coming from HOLLYWOOD to VENICE. See? different city.

Swoon came to me from down the block, we actually live on the same street but in different areas of LA (it is a very Loooooong street). I made him meet on my end of the street the morning that I left our table at the 101 cafe to walk to the other end of the room to grab a LA weekly and then minutes later over a breakfast of burritos + french toast when he asked me to be his girlfriend, told him, even though I was completely aware of the horrendous feeling in the gut that this was the single worst mistake of my entire life, that I could not be that girl.

Perfect things scare imperfect people.
I tend to run from them.
I ran all the way back down our street.

What I have learned is that, although the time spend across countries, oceans and time zones seems to electrify zee romance in us. Late night texts and whispered good nights, a delicious relationship doesn't make. We tend to purge, obsess, fantasize about the outcomes of seeing these long lost loves again. While I have fallen asleep with phone in hand more times than I care to admit, the amount of clarity that I've learned from these promised and not followed through on words is pretty grand.

Love is someone putting on their combat boots along side you, grabbing your hand when you want to give up and trudging through the muck and mess that (I/we/you) consistently find yourself creating. Love is someone thinking you are gorgeous at every angle. Not just the zexy, perfectly chosen, perfectly lit, possibly retouched version of yourself that you would send another humans personal device.

Love isn't someone writing an epic sentence about loving you forever and hitting send.

Love is about loving you forever.
Right beside you.

Text Message: a love story from zeus mila on Vimeo.

ps. and for those of you concerned with the updated condition of my heart, I am currently doing my very best to convince swoon 1)I made the biggest mistake of my life that morning at the 101 2)that this time I will not run, even though at some point of each and everyday I want to.

pps. My amazingly talented friend Lindsay Rosenberg made this insane little movie. Tell your friends. I love it.

2011-02-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Your definition of crazy differs far too much from my definition. I guess that is what made watching you go crazy so hard for me. There is so much space between acting crazy and losing you mind.

come back.
I loved you then.
You and all your crazy.
I hate you now.
You and all your crazy.

2011-02-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

sometimes I could see him
(pretending the sparkle in the air)

sometimes I could feel him
(as he searched for the safest place to rest his feet)

and sometimes I cried for him
(and all the wonder he lost along the way)

-kylie johnson

If it's not like the movies...

2011-02-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

I laid awake for hours last night.
I stared at the wall.
I was pretty sure that all my fears were going to eat me alive.
I could not breathe.
By morning I had devised a brilliant plan to run away from everything, go hide in some European country and drink tea all day, live alone, without any knowledge of the entire life and world I left behind.
I would base my success on if I brewed a good cup of tea.
I would base the strength of my heart on my ability to be strong enough say no to each Casanova that came into my sight.
I would do yoga everyday. Eat Vegetables. I would walk everywhere. I would listen to classical music only.
Because right now, I do none of those things. I base my success on everything I have yet to accomplish and instantly erase anything nice about myself. I hate my heart and the way it ticks. I never go to yoga. I eat peanut butter and cokes. I am not sure, on most days, if I even really like myself. I cannot fathom why YOU like me.

but, as promised to me by the universe, each dark night gives way to the sun shining through the window.
...and in the morning I woke up, and was face to face with a million reasons why I just cannot give up. The universe is like that isn't it? Just when you think you cannot go on, it gives you a reason to.

What haunts me at night blasts me with light during the day.

Promise me, that the next time you are lying awake at night thinking you want it all to end, that you will come here are read this. You never know what magic tomorrow might bring.

2011-02-09T20:10:00.000-08:00

Let me learn to listen only to the beautiful things YOU say about me
and not to the horrible things I say about me.

2011-02-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

remember when someone suggested that I make a special "fearless army" shirt for you? Well, here is is. i hope you like it. We had our yearly S+B photoshoot today + the amazing Lindsay Rosenberg shot this (unretouched!)

sometimes there are gonna be days that test your will. I had one today.
days when it seems like everything is just SO much harder than it needs to be.
days when is seems like everyone else is skating on ice + you are trudging uphill (in both directions) through knee deep mud.

I wish I could tell you why we have to keep fighting the good fight.
I don't actually know.

I do know that if you let the world eat you alive. It will.
If you let the bad guys win. Then you lose.

Just remember, that nothing that is really yours can ever be taken from you.

keep fighting fearless army.

You say, I only hear what I want to.

2011-02-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

I wrote you a letter, but I decided to tear it up into little tiny bits and sprinkle it over my granola this morning. I ate up all those words that I will never say, because once I say them, this will all be real, and anything real is scary, because having someone could one day become losing someone, and I have lost enough to know that I am a very bad loser. If you want to read those words, you will have to pick apart my insides, and braver men than you have failed.

Welcome to: the weight of importance we now put on each other. We've both been burned enough to know that these precious things that we have discovered within each others minds are so very, very fragile. Be careful not to break me and I will not break you.

Sometimes I wonder how much a heart can hold, and if, loving too much might be the reason hearts get heavy.

Maybe having a heavy heart full of love is the gravity that makes the simplest things with you,

heaven.

I would give you my whole heart, if I had a whole heart to give.

but I won't ever tell you.

She collects Tear drops.

2011-02-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

Things I have learned:

-Totally okay to cry, on national tv, to your friends, by yourself when the USPS website makes it really hard to mail things. My very smart friend C. Perri said to me "don't have a breakDOWN have a breakTHROUGH" I have learned more from the tears then I ever did from the easy stuff.

-Someone else's version of "perfect" most likely looks nothing like your own version of perfect. That is what makes life interesting. Find the perfections in the imperfect nature of yourself, others + the universe. Life is more fun through a crooked lens.

-Totally okay to not kiss boys on first dates. The ones who will wait for you, are the ones you should wait for. You should be insanely proud of your own integrity + values, whatever they may be.

-Those YSL 4 inch heels were totally worth it.

this is where we both break free.

2011-02-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

"Go after her. Fuck. Don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or a tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest, making someone falling in love with you is easy as flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded and that is all that is worth anything, really."

follow your wishing heart.

2011-01-25T23:25:00.000-08:00

photo credit: awesome girl who sent me this handdrawn pic of my writing!

I wrote a book. You can buy it here.

...counting the days until contracts allow me to purge my hopeful heart on this screen late at night while I am snuggling up to my computer in the midst of middle twenties gorgeous confusion.

I miss you.

In the meantime, let's all skip around our lives to this gem.

AHHHHHHHH....

2011-01-02T15:42:00.001-08:00

"I think your message was ultimately honest, sometimes painfully so, and so needed. So many people move from relationship to relationship without realizing how unhealthy this can be sometimes. They lack insight, and really think that other people are the ones with the problems. So many people settle for mediocrity, for being taken advantage of, for being made an afterthought, for thinking they don't deserve enough or aren't worth enough to ask for certain things from others. So many people run around trying to fix others so they don't have to try to fix themselves; these are all messages I really liked, and thought I should share. Thank you for sharing your truth, even when you were being honest about your own shortcomings. That took a lot guts, and is something I respect you for." -AB

“You dont have to be a former rockette or have had your heart broken by one of your rockstar exes to benefit from this read; you just have to be human.” -KL

"This book should carry a warning about being read on public transport... one minute you will be laughing as Keltie battles through life in her typical dorky and adorable style and the next sobbing - heartbroken about her heart pain." -Z

"it was honest- sometimes brutally so- and never tried to pull the punches, which could be awkward when writing a bio focusing on both her dance career as well as past relationships. i feel it takes a lot to open up about things like depression and rejection and codependency (there are things i don't know about some of my best friends that i can now tell you about this woman!), and it's incredibly brave to do it in such a public forum."-E

Hi army//because of a little adventure I took my fearless heart (which by now I am sure you have all found out about) on I am going to have to step away from my blog (yuck. contracts.) for the next 8 weeks. I was wondering what to leave up here as my last blog for the next little while and I decided to give it to you...I love every picture, letter and email you all send me. I am so honored and touched. I cannot believe you say such nice things. You are better than a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

I was pretty sure that when I started writing Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom that about 5 people would buy it, and I would just continue dancing and dreaming right here on highkicks, you have blown me away with support for this story. It makes me believe in humanity when I get letters and get to hear your stories. It proves to me that we are so much more alike then we think, and that we are all in this together. Love. Love. Love.

I was talking to a women I met on the beach this week and she was grilling me about the affects that a dance career + Rockettes had on my body. I felt lame to respond that for the most part I was ok, other than sore hips in the morning. I felt like there was so much more to that story, that I couldn't really put into words, that could not be explained through a sore muscle. I think the greatest battle isn't with our bodies, it is with our minds. That little voice telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit that you cannot ever silence and have to push through anyways. The same voice that tells us to never love/trust/fall again with our hearts after an epic heartbreak. We must always silence those little voices with our own fearless hearts and refuse to give in. Courage. (get up.) Passion. (we all suffer.) Hard work. (keep going.)

So thank you! for being the voice telling me to keep going, long after I thought I could.

XOkc

2010-12-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

Hello last day of the ten.

I couldn't sleep last night and sat up wracking my brain for something overly epic to write to sum up this overly epic year. I didn't want to disappoint you all with something sub-par. These word kept ringing in my head.

I wish the best for you, because I love you.
I wish the worst for you, because I loved you.

It is a struggle isn't it. To love so much that you want to protect that love. To be brave enough to acknowledge that the people who treat you badly, are in fact bad for you, regardless of that love. To know that your love loves someone else more than they ever loved you, and still believe that you are worthy of a great amount of love, though days and days of searching has left you empty handed.

I want to remind you, and myself, in case you will be the one in the room staring unloveable in the face tonight at midnight when loves are smooching each other and popping champagne- that you are worth it. The universe gives you exactly what you handle and it has a beautiful, mind bending heart mending love for you, right around the corner in good old 2011.

Hang on little fearless heart.
Live with integrity.
Love fearlessly.
And
Dance.dance.dance.

2010-12-29T15:24:00.000-08:00

" Don't you bully me with your politeness! Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe? " -life of Pi

Sometimes when I finish reading a book I am so madly in love with the character that I actually am sad that I do not get to hang with them anymore. True book nerd for realz. What I loved the most about Pi is that there is a fantastic story for every normal occurrence, he and I, we see magic and myth where there is a harsh reality.

Maybe I was the dreamer after all?

I believe in love. Fairytales. I believe that hard work works. I believe that we all get a fairy godmother. I believe that the little animals in the sea all sing to each other and that dogs can understand English. If none of those things really exist, but I live my life believing it to be so... Who cares?

2010-12-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

In the middle of this amazing adventure I have been thinking about... Adventure. Perhaps simultaneously reading "Life of Pi" (for the second time) + "Letters to a young poet" does that to a girl. I've been on an island, riding a bike everywhere making friends with starfish, the millions of bugs who think I am tasty and the stars and sea. I have never been good at taking a break, being alone with my thoughts or without a busy work schedule.

I found myself during most of early 2010 snuggling up to my laptop + spending all my free time in a haze of teaching, dancing, writing, designing, blogging, airplane rides, and the business of busy. That, was a lonely existence and at some point I was determined to stop complaining of my lonlies and go out into the big bad world of actual human interaction and put my free time and heart on the line. I have been trying my hardest to break a few of my work-a-holic tendencies. Laptops, after all, are not the comfortable to snuggle.

I like to think that life is one big adventure. I spend very little time calculating the things I do or say. This is a slight flaw. But makes for an excellent adventure. You see, who are we to say what is "right" and " wrong". We have all done may things in our lives that at some point seemed like the absolute right thing to do, only to have it blow up in our face with horrific wrong-ness. We simply do not get to decide what makes other people happy, or what is right, normal or acceptable. I trust in the universe and whatever it places in front of my face is there for a reason.

All adventures are an opportunity to:
grow
Be excited
Fill my heart
Challenge myself to learn something new
Learn something about myself

The answer always has to be YES! We have to stop caring about what the world might think of our choices. We are all on great adventures with our hearts, minds and bodies! It is exciting, heartbreaking, crazy, delicious and by saying "yes" to these adventures you never have to wonder " what if?"

It is that time of the year where we all get a fresh start. We get to redefine ourselfs and start on a new path- so jump in headfirst and fearlessly to your new bad-ass self! You are far more fabulous then you will ever know, and a lust for life and a giant smile can turn any bad hair day into you being a gorgini!

" You are so young. You stand before beginnings. I would beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look now for answers because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to LIVE the question. Perhaps you will gradually without even knowing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." - Letters to a young Poet

2010-12-18T18:17:00.001-08:00

Hi guys. (sigh)
I am leaving the am for a backpacking trip through Thailand tomorrow. I do not own a tv. I don't watch tv. Instead of shows about places, I just go places. Super fun.
I wasn't sure what to write here since I won't see you all again until 2011. I will be somewhere in the air between Toyko + LA when NYE strikes! What an amazingly weird, awesomely heartbreaking, magically loveable, courageous, jumping-in-head-first year I have had.

This is my thought for the end of 2010. Sometimes we get the things we want, and sometime we don't. I want to extend a giant thank you to the people who said no, didn't want to love, sign, publish, hire, or book me this year. I learned more from the no's then I ever did from getting a yes. (note: this is what people who get a lot of no's say to make it seem like it doesn't bug us!- It totally bums me out, always.)

Sometimes we think we want or need something.
When the universe has other plans for us we do what any chick does...

we cry.
chop all of our hair off.
spend $200 bucks at forever 21 because OBVIOUSLY a new tank top will make all of our dissapointments go away.
What I think we can all learn is that sometimes people who are rescuing you are doing it by letting you rescue yourself.

I broke-up with NYC a year ago and moved in with my new squeeze, Mr. Los Angeles. I knew this was a city that ate people alive, turned people sour and made you want to get fake boobs, a BMW and a tan. I am happy to say that I am ending the year with only one of those things (obviously not the boobs~braless+flawless ladies!), in addition to a ton of hope for 2011. I took a giant leap of faith this year by taking this blog and made it into a book, and I am overwhelmed with the love and support for you, your moms, people out there in cyberspace who write me letters that my little project changed their lives...that is, honestly, what matters to me. I feel like I was put on this earth to be a positive tunnel of light for all the rad chicks out there! SO thank you. Seriously. I am humbled at your love.

I thought that I would leave you with the last few passages of "Rockettes, Rockstars + Rockbottom". I have spent the year posting really gnarly pieces about heartbreak, sick people, rejection and making you, your mom, and MY mom cry. I thought I would leave you with the end of the story and an uplifting feeling of trust that the universe gives us exactly what we can handle, nothing more, nothing less.

"When I left home at 18, I wanted to be a dancer. I’m happy to report I succeeded. I also had a clear picture of what my match would look like, and on that end, I haven’t been as successful.

My dad once said to me, “Baby girl, you can have it all, but you can’t have it all at the same time.” So true. I haven’t found my white picket fence. But I like to think that my time spent in the midst of my rock ‘n’ dance life meant something. Sometimes I look back and this story is more like a story I read and not something I actually lived. I can look at pictures and not even recognize myself. I don’t feel like that girl, and maybe that’s why we live through things. We hurt, we heal and we prove to ourselves that we can survive. Even more, we can rise from the adversity that life throws at us. I happened to do it while kicking in a pair of three-inch heels.
I could tell a million more stories. There are more words and more memories, but nothing will ever take the place of being there and alive in the magical moments that were mine. Being backstage at Mötley Crüe and meeting Slash, the more than 150,000 kicks I performed as part of the Rockettes, standing
in France on the side of the stage supporting Dreamer and looking out at the sea of people, knowing this was a once in a lifetime moment. I was there, I lived it. I made huge sacrifices for this life. Sometimes the world crashes down around me, and I wonder if it was all worth it. Other times I know it was.

One of the hardest things I ever had to learn in life is that the things that I love won’t always love me back. It is heartbreaking. It is disappointing. But I have learned that this is just the way it is. Sometimes we have to get sad and cry and then the next day we have to put on our combat boots of life and stomp through the best we can. We can’t get disappointed when the world doesn’t give us what we gave it.
Following your dreams has little to do with talent. It has more to do with being a fighter, relentless in your dedication and focused. Someone once said that I should, “stop talking about hard work because I got handed everything on a silver platter.” I wish that were true. I work hard and fight hard and really, only the last few years has really loved me back. I attended seven auditions in the last week, four in the last two days, along with dance classes, television classes and three rehearsal days. I book one out of every 20 jobs I audition for. I walk around feeling pretty terrible about myself most days. There are a hundred dancers better than me and a hundred worse.
But I love dancing. I love my place in the universe. I love this life even when it doesn’t love me back. I moved to New York in a slow winter with $500 in my pocket. I made this life for myself, and I take full responsibility for all my successes and failures. As far as forgiveness goes, I’ve also learned that there is nothing more divine you can do than forgive someone who has wronged you.
As humanity evolves, we must take every day and every breath as if it’s the first, last and only thing we have. If we constantly work on ourselves, our souls, and dealing with the influx of emotions, grudges, ego, hurt, happiness, forgiveness, resentment and mistakes, then we have only grown to deal with the past. If we see things and people in our lives as they were yesterday, then there has been no growth. We must give each
other the constant ability to change. Everything that happened in the past never happened. I do not know that person or those days. I only know this day, this person standing before me and the words and actions as they say or do them in front of me. We must let everything and everyone in our lives evolve.

I’ve had amazing conversations with each of my rockstars and it really is true when they say time heals all wounds. It does. Things that seemed so important to me then are meaningless now. I said I would love my rockstars forever, and I meant it. I just love them in a different way. I’m thankful for the challenge of healing my heart after they left, because without them I would’ve never hit rockbottom and had to find my way out. On the way out of heartbreak, I found the most beautiful love ever, and after years of searching, crawling and confusion, I found the one true love of my life – myself."

I love you little army. Enjoy the holidays.
Courage. Passion. Hard work.

you're only you. and your job is to become the best you.

2010-12-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

"it's just about gathering power. and strength. and getting to be a more secure amazing human.
it's not about labels.
dancer.
musician.
winner.
loser.
it's about accumulating.
and growing.
and becoming amazing.
you are not a victim of how you are wired.
you can rewire.
become a more efficient machine in the way that...
it's ALL a win.
and it's ALL a dream come true."

Last night I told a friend of mine that I was a jaded, closet hopeless romantic. He responded by saying:

"ha ha ha ha. you are an out of the closet hopeless romantic.you are running the streets hopeless romantic. screaming thru your megaphone."

Sometimes we get so caught up in the way our lives and hearts are supposed to be, that we forget to enjoy how they actually are. I am a goal wired person. I make goals and then I obsess completely about them until they are reached. I am like a horse with blinders. Goal. Goal. Goal. The weird thing about work is that, this is a very good way to be. Sadly, with your heart you cannot will yourself into love, or even set aside some time to "fall in love". I think I need to learn that the John Lennon was right

"Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love"

Love isn't a fancy dress or a dozen roses. Love isn't a horse drawn carriage or a perfect dinner. We do not (sadly) live inside the movies. So, today is your chance to "rewire", take your blinders off and open your heart and look around- the universe is giving you great gifts that you are not even noticing right now!

ps. Teddy, oh teddy, why are you the cat to my meow? the awesomesauce to my radburger? Boy dancing might be my favorite thing in the world next to green tea and books.

2010-12-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday two really exciting things happened...

First, I ate my first Salad in almost a year. I am not a fan of salad. Sorry salad.

Secondly, my bff Christina Perri found out that her song "Jar Of Hearts" went gold.

You know I love about this story? Not only does it mean my friend got to have her dreams come true, and we got to make an epic music video together... (in case you cannot pick me out I am dance//almost maker-outter in car int he grey dress) It means that dreams come true! Isn't that somewhat reassuring?

I love that me + CP can sit at a table in our favorite diner and just be us. 500,000 records, a few less books, and the same nut n' honey milkshake. It's weird when all of a sudden your bestie is super famous and every time you turn on the tv (if you owned a tv//or watched tv which I do not...) you get to see her face. Weird when all the people who matter, all of a sudden think that some you ALWAYS thought mattered, matters. Art, in all it's successes is actually pretty overwhemling. Making art is easy and fun and natural. Selling art is where it gets ugly. I guess that is why they call it "showbiz" instead of "showfun". I had a bad day yesterday. Rotten Keltie. I had the kind of day where I bit my lip through most of the day and finally, in the comfort of my friend and my diner had a little cry fest breakdown. You know what Cp said to me she said "don't breakdown- break open".

She and I had an amazing conversation about the lens that we choose to see our lives through. I find it so depressing when I have days that I cannot force myself to be thankful, aware or gracious for all the great things in my life. We all do that though don't we? Get in a rut and spend the day with a dark cloud over our heads. I think it is my nature to always want more and never be content, and that turns into being disappointed that my life is not exactly that the grandiose fairytale that I have dreamed up inside my wildest dreams. I only see my life through the gloomy lens. Wah wah.

I think what we all have to remember is that, it is up to us which lens we choose to see our life through. It is our job to try our hardest to not get caught up in comparing ourselves and our lives against others. I get to make art for a living. I get to inspire people. I get paid to spin, leap and skip. I have the life 6 year old Keltie dreamed of. I am free. I have a roof over my heart. I have a big ol' heart full of love. I am a lucky girl.

Gotta remember to see life through our grateful lens.
What do you see when you look through yours?

photos by: lani lee

PS. I would be insanely grateful if you would join me over at bloglovin'. For my birthday this year I want to be the #1 most popular blog in the self-improvement category. They did not have a tea drinking category or a book nerd category so I chose self-improvement. BL is awesome because you can set it up to follow all the blog you love no matter where they come from (tumblr, wordpress, blogspot!)Thanks army!

2010-12-15T09:28:00.000-08:00

People always ask me what the best advice I can give them is.

First of all, I ate frosted mini-wheat's for all three meals yesterday, washed that down with diet coke, and slept alone-lonely in bed where I cannot figure out how to make the feathers in my "feather-bed" stop from cutting through my sheets and ripping up my skin while I sleep-and by "sleep" I mean, get into bed at 3 am, read "Letters to a young poet" again, toss restlessly all night until 8 am when I start my day with a nice healthy can of Diet Coke. I doubt that anyone should be looking to ME for advice.

I just live life with a few rules, and one of those rules is that there are no rules in life, only respect. You can do whatever you wish, with whoever you wish, whenever you wish as long as you do it with integrity and respect.

Here is what I believe: The miracle- the one you have been waiting for in the form of the love of your life, the job of your dreams or that perfect hair day in which Kate Moss would be jealous...it is right around the corner.

Do not give up before the miracle happens.
It could happen today.

You could get that job/house/car/new hoodie.
He could ask you out.
You might win.
Your hair might look awesome!

Never.
Never.
Never.
Never.
give up.

What miracles are you manifesting?!

Ps. I've joined bloglovin' so now you can follow my blog, with all your other favorite blogs, no matter what site hosts them! Please add my blog to your follow list and "Like" the blogs you enjoy so I know what makes you inspired, happy, giddy + makes you think :)

2010-12-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

Follow my blog with bloglovin

2010-12-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

There are going to be so many people in the world who tell you can't do something- you might as well not be one of them.

Be passionate and foolhardy enough to put yourself on the line for something or someone you believe in.

Be honest and tough enough to accept whatever the outcome is, good or bad.

Be brave and naieve enough to try it again and again. and again.

Life is too short for the shoulda-woulda-coulda's.
I fall flat on my face most of the time, but what an adventure it is falling!

and in case you needed to be more inspired I bring you the ultra zexy dancer man Albie. Hot damn. I am glad I live in a world with duets like this one...

Photo: rufusowliebat

NYC book reading!

2010-12-11T19:15:00.000-08:00

So, almost a year ago I broke up with New York City. This weekend I got to come back for a little break-up sex...in the form of Chinese food in little white boxes, the F train and an apartment in Queens rented by my bestie Spagatti.

You know what I love about NYC the most. How it is a city of people who do not belong, belonging. Today I had my final book reading of this gosh-darn awesome little motivational moonbeam of a tour. I got to stand on the stage at my old stomping ground Rockwood Music Hall, and read...for you. You know what? Public reading is actually difficult. Purging your inner most thoughts, without the use of pirouettes, costumes or a tittie pop feels like standing naked in the middle of the street. So scary.

I was lucky enough to have an amazing "Singer" play with me. (wink wink) Wes is an insanely talented guy, with a good heart and was kind enough to come out and support me and share his art.

I suppose what 6 years later has taught me is that girls are complicated and boys are selfish. Boys, for the most part are pretty easy to decipher, the problem is that we chicks are never actually listening. We think that, "I don't want a girlfriend" means "I don't want a girlfriend right now, but if you are charming enough, fun enough and have enough lipgloss/spraytan/good hair days that at some point I will change my mind, and of course that person will be you!"

He didn't mean that. He meant what he said. They always mean what they say.

But here is the great thing! YOU are amazing. no seriously. read this. out loud. print it out and out it on your fridge of you must...you are seriously really rad. You have an amazing heart and soul, and you are so deserving of love. You have a great laugh. You have really cute toes. There are things about you that are so special that you do not even realize. You change people's lives with your kindness and compassion. You are smart. You are thoughtful. You are talented.
The really, really messed up part is this. You have no idea.

That guy, or girl, that didn't want to pick/date/love/marry/take you to the prom isn't a bad person. Unless of course, they are someone who litters, because littering makes people bad people. The honest truth is that, some people like crunchy peanut butter and some like creamy. Our awesome cannot be the kind of awesome that everybody likes. How annoying would if YOU were EVERYONE in the universes cup of creamy peanut butter love able awesome? We had to spent out days not only remembering to brush our teeth and say please and thank you, but beating off gazillions of people that fell madly in love with us, because they ALL did. (okay, it might be fun to try, even for a day...)

The magical thing about our kind of awesome is having it be being noticed by someone who totally understands and is looking for us! Someone who is available to enjoy our awesome!

Chasing after people, trying to impress them and/or make them fall madly in love with you each and every day is exausting. Trust me, been there. The most tiring part of our day should be a good ol' reformer pilates class, not falling in love!

Falling in love (when it is right) should feel like a long skip through central park, a nice hot cup of tea, or that feeling you get when get you get a load of laundry out of the dryer and lay it on your bed and smuch your face right into it. warm. inviting. comfortable.

So listen ladies and gents, "singer" taught me something so wonderful in our time together and reminded me of it when I saw him today.

I am a wonderful, caring, thoughtful compassionate human with the best of intentions. I don't need anyone to validate that for me. Neither do you!

Awesome, party of one!

Please check out the amazingness that is WES HUTCHINSON.

Thanks G. Gershoff at Wireimage for the great photos!

dreams chaser.

2010-12-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

I have not slept in 40 hours.
Living on diet coke and tea.
Following my dreams.
Trusting my feet.

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.
Other times I am convinced that it is.

People like to say "follow your dreams".
I think a much better saying would be " chase your dreams down the street with arms flailing because they will be moving along much faster than you can, and do not take to time to sleep, eat, breathe, or shower while doing so. Dream chasing is similar to marathon running, but in marathons someone hugs you when you get to the end, and then you get to have a nap. No nap here. No hug. Just more marathon running.

Sometimes snuggling up to a laptop can be pretty depressing.
But I would sleep alone every night for these dreams because I never feel better than when I get the chance to leave it all out on the floor.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves… do not seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke

What have you sacrificed for your dreams?

The time I almost met and fell in love with matt nathanson: PART TWO

2010-12-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended a charity event for the Gibson Music Foundation. I stood next to a guy named Trevor. When I Trevor told me he was a songwriter I looked down to see if he was wearing (gasp) Chuck taylors. Thankfully, no Rock n' Roll shoes to be found. I asked Trevor if he was a better songwriter than Matt Nathanson. He Laughed. I didn't laugh. I told him my theory on judging all music WT (worse than) or BT (better than) Matt Nathanson. (sadly, no one actually gets scored BT). Anyways, I realized that when I had stood there talking to Trevor for about 20 minutes about Matt Nathanson that I am a) crazy stalker super fan or b)in need of a new hobby that doesn't involve stalking Matt Nathanson.

I realized that I completely forgot to tell you about almost meeting and falling in love with Matt Nathanson...again. In reference to my earlier blog this year about the airport-almost-meeting.

So...

One Upon a time...

Matt Nathanson was playing a show. In LA. I live in LA. I put it in my calender and turned down all work, events, plans so that my night would be perfectly clear. I got dressed in my best red bellbottoms and my lucky red beret. I went to the show. It was packed so I moved slowly inching my way to the front of the crowd, even my calves were sweating. I had never seen MN live in concert and I felt like a druggie taking heroin for the first time. I knew it was going to be good. So good.

So, I stood at the front of the pack of people and talked incessantly about MN. Then I twitter stalked him. I could smell what could only be the musk of Matt Nathanson billowing from whatever backstage green room he was warming up in. We were in the same place, at the same time, again. It was destiny.

When Matt appeared on stage I realized that I could do nothing but sing at the top of my lungs and look in any direction but his. What if our eyes met? What if he noticed me? What if I was standing next to his wife and she punched me in the face? So...I did what any supposed to be mature but is totally still 12 years old would do. I stared at his feet. The whole time. Matt Nathanson, buy the way, even has EPIC feet.

Somewhere into the set he began playing a song, and I began clapping. Suddenly, Matt stopped playing, looked right in my red beret direction and called me out. I was, the only one...clapping. I had not noticed, and needless to say I have a very muscular full throttle clap. FULLOUT! FEARLESS! Suddenly the entire audience looked my way. Every person in the room was staring at my try hard red beret, my bright red bellbottoms and my beet red face.

What happened next in my head was...

"good clapping, and you happen to be the most beautiful beret wearing person I have seen today...would you like to come and sing a duet with me and share this one tiny little microphone with my mouth?" -mn

and then I would leap onto stage, glitter would begin to fall from the sky, Matt Nathanson would grow 4 feet taller and not be wearing chuck taylors and would turn to me and say...I wrote this song about you, and not my wife that I am 100% in love with...

and then we would sing, and dance, and tittie pop and the whole club would turn into a giant candle lit ballroom and all of a sudden I would be wearing a evening gown and have a respectable up-do and perfect skin, make-up and my eyes would be blue. MN would be in a suit and be throwing rose petals and unreleased cd tracks in my direction. We would drink diet coke all night and have thumb wars and talking about the reasons why being Matt Nathanson was so awesome.

Sadly what really happened was...

I was that weird girl. The one who clapped too loud. Matt went back to singing and I went back to staring at his feet. I left the show and twittered if he was going to be coming out to meet people + sign autographs. I stood at the front door of the club for 10 minutes seeing if he might respond. In those ten minutes I was so scared that I might actually MEET MN that my heart starting avoiding beating and I couldn't breathe. I completely terrified. So, I did what any respectable totally in control of her own life but melts into a puddle when faced with cute singer-songwriters wearing chuck taylors would do. I walked out of the door. I ran away. I kept my disappointment in the back pocket of my red bellbottoms. Once again, I had almost met and fell deeply in love with Matt Nathanson. Almost.

The moral of this story is that Matt Nathanson is epic and I am a nerd. The end.

2010-12-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

I am sorry I wished they would eat you alive, and they did.

Those bad decisions make good stories.

I dream about you every night.

In one of these dreams, you forgive me.

ps. we shall talk about this + much more tomorrow night on my super secret/all over the world/for you only web chat/reading/visit! I made it 2 hours earlier so that my friends on the west coast could join!!!!Tomorrow night at 6 pm PST at http://www.facebook.com/Vitabath

Date night! THIS WED at 8PM pst!

2010-12-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Hey Army! I have VERY exciting news! I am taking you on a date, but only a few of you!

I totally realize how hard it is for everyone from around the world to get out to a book signing...so I am coming to you! My awesome sponsors over at Vitabath have created an extra special secret video chat room just for us and I will be doing a private one-of-a-kind reading and questions and answer night with you!(but I never kiss on the first date- so don't even try!)

I will be reading some selections from Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom.
Answering your questions via our PRIVATE chat room.
Giving advice, telling stories, giving you a tour of my "manifest wall".

There is only room for 300 lucky readers to join me...and on top of that one LUCKY person in our super swanky secret reading is going to walk away with a $50 Vitabath Gift Set! (amazing...since they make the world's best creams + scrubs) AND in addition to THAT 10 readers who come to us from the farthest away places (Europe, Australia, the Moon) will each get one of the new Limited Edition Grey MANTRA cuffs from me!

So this is how you join:

#1- Go to the Vitabath Fan Page on Facebook THIS Wednesday Dec. 8th at 8PM PST
(http://www.facebook.com/Vitabath)

#2-"LIKE" the page

#3-Click on the “Shows” tab and then “allow” the application to run.

Remember, there are only 300 spaces available, so you’ll want to be online and ready to joint to be able to participate!!

PS. check out this fun video from my trip to Edmonton, Canada!