Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The happiest loves become the next hopeless hearts.

I’ve caught myself saying “the universe is doing this to you because” so much more than usual lately. I have been saying this to my friends, my family and mostly to myself. I am not sure if it because I would go crazy without the constant reminder that the universe is unfolding as it should, or without the mindfulness that I have to have faith that these things I live through are for some reason that I do not get to know, some sort of stepping stone preparing me for some next great adventure I am about to have.

The universe gave me something I really, desperately wanted. Someone to adore me. Someone who jumped in with me fearlessly. Someone to call mine. When the universe gave me this gift I couldn’t help but jump up and down, scream it to anyone who would listen at the top of my lungs, and shove it everyone’s faces.

I am most like the girl who cried love.

I have spend most of my life willing fate. Many times I will walk out of an audition and begin telling people I have a job long before a contract is ever signed. I was talking about my dream book deal before I had even finished the book. Some people call this sort of living following “the secret”. Some friends of mine call it “putting it out into the universe”. I call it “being that crazy obsessive compulsive girl”.

The universe is a tricky little one though. As quickly as it threw me someone to dote on. It threw me headfirst into a situation where I would be forced to watched my ex dote on their new found mate. Instead of making me feel happy that I had someone new also, someone who in my mind was an upgrade on so many levels. It made me remember that new begins are wonderful, and that new beginnings eventually become hurtful endings. The source of my last great heartbreak was the band-aid that healed what was my first love. He was a new beginning that I had complete utter faith in. Maybe I am morbid for saying this, but it is not lost on me that, all the people I have ever given my heart to have sent it back to me in some sort of firey, burning mess of heartbreak, fiona apple record on repeat, sleepless night, puffy eyed mess of a soul shattering heart loss.

Instantly I started looking at my new mate with a different pair of eyes. Instead of being able to look with 18 year old fresh hopeless romantic eyeballs full of faith and love I was looking at him with ten years later and I really wish I had spent more time in ballet class and less time kissing toads who would eventually turn into a small collection of, what was I thinking? I am rethinking each and every moment, word, thought, idea.

Diving in head first is a delicious thing. This week in NYC spagatti said to me that I was such a contradiction because I am someone who cares greatly what other people perceive of me and yet continue to put myself out there at each and every chance I get, without a safety net for failure. It seems that someone like me might be slightly more careful of everyone watching me go down in flames.

Regardless, I have learned a really valuable lesson from the universe as of late. Slow down. Not everything needs a label, a contract, or a giant stamp of success. I have learned that I can write a to do list filled with bills to pay and contacts to email but hearts, they just do not work that way. Hearts are a delicate little thing that take time and trust and even a little bit of faith before they will ever be ready to open up. Falling in love cannot be checked off some magical list of things to accomplish.

The universe will give you what you ask for. Regardless of if you get to cross it off your to do list, a hearts work is never done. The happiest loves become the next hopeless hearts. For me, I am learning that I am not ready to give any of the precious pieces of myself that took me to long to pick up off the floor.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I have a new crush.

I am right now playing all of it back.
the life.
the love.
the handclaps.

it's not that I want to go, you learn your heart just tells you so.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

fine, i miss you, but that doesn't change a thing.

someone sent me this photo of them, their mantra cuff + radio city. love.

I love new york. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the way that, even though, the city belongs to everyone else- I feel like it is mine. I feel like, whenever anyone comes here, or lives here, or talks about it here, that pieces of the city belong only to me. Los Angeles is filled with beautiful people, tons of auditions, fancy cars and sunshine. It is a place where you can smell success in the air. You can see the sons + daughters of famous Hollywood types standing in line at the next big cool spot to be, hoping that some of their fathers fame will trickle down to them- I see twenty year olds driving cars that cost more money that I made my first 5 years living in nyc. It is just different. Success in LA means money and beauty. Success in NYC means an apartments without cockroaches and a subway track without delay.

I have lists and lists of things I miss and things I regret.
I will file my breakup with new york city under both.

Friday, March 26, 2010

"you save yourself or you remain unsaved. "

I have recently fallen back into my obbession with reading. I am reading "lucky" by Alice Sebold. The title quote is hers. A lit Agent asked me to send the first 50 pages of my book off to her monday morning. A small beacon of light. I wanted to review these pages, add to them, work on them and I came across this passage. I thought it was nice. Falling in love for the very first time is so amazing. I won't ever be that girl again, But I am glad she existed, even for a few magical moments. enjoy.

"First loves are delicious in a way that only firsts can be. Firsts change you and you are never ever the same again. Being with Rocker was like riding my bike for the first time without training wheels, the first day of school, or the first time I ever set foot on a stage. It was magical, mystical, a combination of elements, matter, and energy that were combusting in my heart, threatening to explode every time I opened my mouth." -r.r.r

sleeping to dream.

i have no idea where the last eight weeks went. I know that I spent time at sxsw, went to nyc to shoot the nationwide ad, shot a music video in la, judged, danced, auditioned, ate, saw two movies, washed my car once- I assume there were a few nights of sleep in there somewhere but I cannot be sure. I know I have been up before 6 am more times than I would choose.

Currently I am in NYC filming some stuff that I cannot talk about on here yet. I am happy to be here, and this is all very exciting but I am so far behind in life, bills, phone calls, emails, laundry. I woke up yesterday morning and was happy that my eye makeup from yesterday had not been disturbed in my few short hours of sleep- it has "slept over" well enough for me to just rock it again to the airport. gross. I danced for 8 hours the day before, in a room of 500 of the best dancers in LA at the xtina audition (I eventually got cut). When I got home I was tired that after feeding myself + packing for a week in nyc I fell asleep, with big plans to shower at 4 am before my flight. When my alarm woke me at 4 am, the extra 15 minutes of sleep seemed like a better idea. So i sat for 6 hours on a plane next to a poor fellow who could mostly likely smell me with yesterdays sweat on my skin, yesterdays makeup on my face and huge plans to get some sleep in nyc.

People always ask me how I stay so motivated + driven. I usually answer "because this is what I love to do". I think the more honest answer is that I am searching for something, somewhere that I am not sure exists- and that if I stopped chasing it and slowed down for a moment I might give myself the chance to see that I am out of my mind.

I always tell people to not give up + to go after their goals. I will stand by that. But I want you to know, it will not come without huge amounts of sacrifice.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Monday, March 22, 2010

hi. i missed you. so I spent the week being the music host for at sxsw. it was the most incredible week, for so many reasons. I got to meet + chat with some amazing bands, work with a team of amazing people + see a few old friends.

I went into this audition, and this job knowing that I was in way over my head. I had to audition against 500 other hosts and most of them probably had more experience + looked better, or had more knowledge of this festival. I had two things to offer, I love music + I can talk to anyone for hours.

When I left last week I called on most of my bests for pep talks, reminding me of the good things about me. As confident as I seem, I fall from grace when it comes to self-esteem more than i care to admit. The week was amazing, I learned so much, I gained so much and I had so much fun doing it. I lost my voice at the end of the week from reporting over top of some amazing bands. I wore so much denim that I think my skin turned blue.

A few acts that I saw that I think everyone should check out are An horse, Honeyhoney, dawes, band of horses + sharon jones. There was a point where I was watching HOLE play, from above the crowd and I turned to my sound man and said "i feel like the coolest girl in school". I really did. I have found something other than dance that makes me feel like I belong.

I also got to hang out with my friend Alex from the cab + see his set (wonderful), I got to play with my friends cassie + jon. It's weird. I miss them both. I want what they have. I have never met two people more in love.

I also got put in one of the worst situations that you could ever wish on someone. No matter who you are, or what you have done in life, I hope that you never have to go through what I did. In the words of c.perri "karma tastes so sweet". i learned this. give time and energy to the people who deserve it. some people will never change. hold true to the things you want in life. jealousy is ugly. insecurity is even uglier. and just know, what I know- a cheater is always a cheater so I will keep my pride and she can have you. I felt nothing when you looked into my eyes except for pity, and I have waited 400 days to be able to say that.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


this is why I have no voice.
going to bed.
will tell you all about it tomorrow.

Friday, March 19, 2010


sorry i have been missing. i have been busy being this girl. it's been amazing, life changing, and a giant learning process. gained a huge perspective. heard some awesome music. will chat about it very soon, but tonight- rest. lost my voice and still have interviews to do !


Sunday, March 14, 2010

what happens when you ask the universe for everything you have ever wanted and then you get it and you realize that it isn't what you wanted after all? There is no return to sender on this life. There is no, if you don't like it in 30 days- just bring it back for a full refund. There is magical time machine that take you back to before you met so that all the feelings, and emotions and rules of relationships stay nicely intact.

Summer was right, relationships are messy.
Christina was right, inviting someone into your life is work.
My mom was right, you sound exhausted, you can't be everything to everyone all the time.

be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

you lied to me, cause I asked you to.

I think this is my #1 favorite song of all time. I have been crushing on bono since 8th grade.

this song feels restless to me. i feel restless. it is one of those days where i hate everything about myself. i hate my stupid zooey knockoff haircut. i hate my freckles. i hate my stupid bubble butt. i hate all my clothes. i hate my face. i hate my room. i hate this city. i hate this tea. i hate this computer. i hate this blog.

this is totally normal for me though, if I sit down anywhere long enough, or when i tend to get what i want, i find a way to make sure it isn't what i want anymore. i want a new face. a new city. a new room. a new life.

i wish there was a way to control this my restless nature.
i am hoping that today bono and a delicious sha-la-la might be able to help.

Friday, March 12, 2010


I am so incredibly scared for my heart.
I will everything to ruin this, and nothing to save it because when someone is willing to give you their all, it is scary. This means I have to give my all too. That means when it ends, I will lose it all again too. I am not sure if my heart can handle worldheartwar three.

Why do I do this? Everything is magic.

Perhaps it is easier to ruin something good before the something good ruins you.

i could feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
i could feel you floating in me.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

things start splitting at the seams.

It's late. I haven't had much time lately to sit by myself and think or write. I am happily distracted. I am having all these doubts about what is next and where I am headed. I have no clear picture in my head of the right direction for me, but what I do know is that, I know where I have been and they are places I hope I never go back to.

I guess it is okay to move ahead and not know where you are going, as long as you are moving forward and not backwards.

When I get confused I tend to think about my darkest days, and since there is a really big chance that I am in fact the terrible writer most people like to tell me I am-and that I will never see my book published, I figured that I would continue to share it here. For you, but more so, for me.

"I think that there is this point where you can’t make any more excuses for yourself and you know in the deepest part of your soul that you are not right. It is a really hard place to get to because it is so easy when you are a great faker to lie, even to yourself. I could convince myself over and over that I was okay and my actions time and time again would disprove this. Telling lies to other people is unfair and cruel, telling lies to yourself is ( i need a really strong word that means crazy and insane).
I was determined not only to prove to myself that I was better than this, but I could not help but be inspired by all the people back at home and at the people who had not hired me from the rockettes, and of course singer, who were watching closely to see what I would do with my crash into rockbottomness. The things was for me, I was so low, that I could only go up and I had been waiting for someone or something to throw me a rope and help me climb out of my despair. The cleaner my body got, the cleaner my mind got, and it was brutally clear to me that no one was coming to rescue me. I was going to have to find my own way to crawl out. And trust me, I was crawling, tooth and nail, clenching every inch of my body, into the light. It meant staring at my bloated out of shape body in the wall length mirrors for two hours at a time in the multiple dance classes I would take each day. It meant hours of solidation when I had to turn down my friends who invited me to parties where there would be liquor. It meant going grocery shopping for healthy fuel for my body instead of grabbing whatever sweets were on the counter at the corner deli. It meant long long walks alone in central park with the bitter cold of winter in New York City biting at my nose and ears. I sat with John Lennon at strawberry fields and pictured the magical world I wanted to exist around me. I was sure that if I sat long enough with the panhandlers and hippies at the imagine memorial that I would walk away with bright psyacdellic reds and blues painted across the sky and that my gloom would be erased. I felt strong, I felt beautiful and I was ready to reinvent myself.

I set out on a new path and jumped back into the audition world feverishly. Only this time the universe rewarded my new outlook. The big budget disney movie "Enchanted" was auditioning. I was called in for the waltz scene-I spent the entire day faking my way through my best version of the Viennese waltz. I was cut. The next day I went back because I was called in for the “kicking girls” scene- I made it until the very end of the audition. And, after kicking for 6 hours was cut from that audition also. The next day I was called in again, for the bride scene. I laughed as I showed up in the same leotard I had been auditioning in for the 2 days prior. When I was my turn to dance I looked the choreographer in the eyes where she sat behind the directors table scattered with headshots, resumes and notepads. I laughed and cracked “ I am just going to keep coming back until you hire me”. She giggled. The director giggled. Once again, my charm had won me a job over my mediocre talent. The dance portion of my life had taken a turn of tables. I was cast as one of the principle dancers. The movie was being shot in NYC. It was a dance job that every dancer in the city had wanted to book, and there I was one of 10 dancers learning a complex string of lifts and partnering to be performed in the middle of central park, in the middle of summer in the middle of the biggest dance extravaganza of the decade."

Monday, March 8, 2010

boy, looking back i see- i'm not the girl i used to be.

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas showing my spring line at a big dance expo that happens there each year. I also went to go see my old stomping ground and peepshow and take a look at peepshow version 2.0.

I lost my breath when i walked into the theatre because the smell, it had this aroma, or a memory attached to it, it was the smell of my own sadness. The way that room assaulted my nose made my heart tight, my eyes well up and emotion overwhelm me. I was taken back to exactly the way i felt a year ago. The smell literally reminded me of being sad. eau de heartbreak.

I still can't believe that most of last year even happened. It seems like it was a different lifetime. I have a hard time remembering the girl I was then (thankfully) and it overwhelms me to think how much has changed. I was sure I would live inside that sadness forever. I was so sure my heart would never heal. I was almost certain I would never love anyone ever again. I was sure it was my destiny to walk around with that particular scent of sadness following me and to fall asleep crying each night. To spend my time making lists of all the things that were wrong with me to deserve that kind of treatment. To spend most of the night trying to sort the difference between the people that say they love you and the people who do.

It is such a terrible feeling to be sad.
It is such a terrible feeling to be hopeless.

But how amazing that feeling that way is simply a memory that comes upon me so strongly it threatens to break my heart all over again? a memory instead of a reality.

I promise you, that if you just hold on- for even just one more day, that eventually you will be holding onto the day that you feel better. It takes a long time. But trust me, that day will come.

in the brilliant words of c.perri

"Yay 2010. See!
Time does keep going!
Wounds do mend!
Pain does pass!
And the good guy wins :)"

hold on. please. your brightest days are coming.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

S+B spring 2010!

when did I get cool enough to hang with these two superstars?

Friday, March 5, 2010

nice is the new black.

I learned a giant life lessons from a beautiful 16 year old girl yesterday.

nice people, they do win. we were on set for 12 hours yesterday. I had on 2 sweaters, a scarf, pants and boots and was freezing. beautiful girl had on a summer dress. I was with her for 12 hours straight and she was gracious, kind, never once complained, said please + thank you every time. this girl is in a position where she could be a diva, she's a huge tv star, the face of a major cosmetics line, and now, about to release her debut record (ps. her voice is AMAZING, she sang live in EVERY take).

I guess it just reminded me that, in this world where we see so many of the 'uglies' get ahead that there is a place where the universe is rewarding the people who act well. so be kind, be better, be gracious, be mindful.

the only time it doesn't hurt to be talked about behind your back is when everyone is saying good things.

a special thanks to Alan Ferguson for always seeing me as more than what everyone else saw me as. xo.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

plant a seed.

today I had a much needed day off. seems the whirlwind life has taken full hold of my days and i barely stop for breath. that is the way i like it though.

there were a gazillion things on my plate for today, a super long to do list and i threw it in the trash and decided instead to get my butt into Toyko's contemporary class.

i will just never get over dancing. to me, dancing is like feeding a part of my soul that I cannot fill with anything else. it is my way of hugging my soul + giving myself a nice big delicious gulp of conscious. it brings me down the earth. it makes me feel graceful and totally worthless at the same time. it doesn't matter how big the jobs i book are, or how famous the celebs i get to work for are- the most important thing i do in dance is for myself. i could care less if anyone ever sees it. i feel it. that is all that matters.

you are a gorgeously special creature, make sure to take the time everyday to plant something special in the garden of your soul. we all forget to do that. we shouldn't.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I can see your halo.